Joke of the Day

[HarrytheCarGeek]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to haul his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a bunch of hog wash that is .... you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do we?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

[HarrytheCarGeek]

As I was driving home one day feeling a little depressed at how my life was going.

I saw a yard sign that said:

 

 

 

 

NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-705-3787

 

 

 

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

 

It was a Latino with a lawnmower.

 

My wife thought I lost it when I could not stop laughing!

[xrac]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

 

[xrac]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in
two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks'
pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[xrac]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=5748lK9HpOg&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D5748lK9HpOg%26feature%3Dyoutu.be&app=desktop

[xrac]

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 

* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

 

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 

* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

[xrac]

[Jeff]

WOW!!

[weighit]

The Irish Bic Lighter
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[Gonzo]

A young city slicker decided to move out to the country and raise chickens.

 

He went to a nearby farmer and said, "I'd like 100 eggs. I'm going to raise my own flock."

A few weeks later he came back and said, "I'd like 100 eggs."

A few more weeks he's back, "I'd like another 100 eggs."

 

The farmer was so impressed with the young mans ambitions he said, "Wow, you're really going at this. How's many ya got so far?"

 

The young city slicker said, "I don't know... I think I'm planting them to close together."

[xrac]

MISSING WIFE

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband: My wife is missing; she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her height ?

Husband: No idea.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, so probably healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never really noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: Not sure . It may have been a dress or maybe trousers and a top.

Inspector: Was she driving?

Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Type and color of the car?

Husband: A silver Audi A8 with 4.2 liter V8 TDI engine generating 321 horse power teamed with a 6 speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full adaptive LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point, the husband starts crying.

Inspector: Don't worry sir. We will find your car.

[xrac]

 

 

 

 

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

 

She said, Hey sexy, how about giving me your number?

 

I looked at her and said, Have you got a pen.

 

She said, I sure do."

 

I said, Well, you better get back into it before the farmer

notices you're missing.

 

My dental surgery is on Monday.

 

 

 

=

[Joe Marconi]

Funny! I always love your jokes!

[xrac]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

 

 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

 

 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

 

 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

 

 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

 

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home - maybe at work.)

 

 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the?)

 

 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

 

 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

 

 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

 

 

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

 

 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

 

 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

 

 

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

 

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

 

 

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

 

 

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

 

 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[xrac]

Michigan State Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin, $12 million in forged bills and a ring of 14 prostitutes, all in a housing project behind the Detroit Public Library.

Detroit folks were stunned. A community organizer said: 'We be shocked'. 'We never knowed we had a library . . . '

[xrac]

Arriving in Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the swine clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm bollock naked hiding in this cedar chest......"

 

[xrac]

From a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't!

And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves

this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men.

It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.

The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,

Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it,

the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President

to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."

[xrac]

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

[xrac]

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[ncautoshop]

Getting Married in Heaven

 

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

 

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

 

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

 

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

 

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

 

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

 

 

 

Sent from my SCH-I605 using Tapatalk

[xrac]

Call Center

An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto much to

the dismay of her colleagues, who are unhappy with her dismissal.

 

It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that

when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call center employee replied,

 

"Remain calm and stay on the line.

[Joe Marconi]

Very funny!

[xrac]

Since I am from kentucky I will poke a little fun at ourselves:

 

 

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous distillery based in Bardstown, Kentucky.

An Indiana Hoosier applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Hoosier the job.

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Kentucky and me being Kentuckian surely I should get the job.

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?

Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Hoosier wrote down,
'I don't know.

You put down, 'Neither do I. "

[xrac]

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie - all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[Joe Marconi]

That is funny! Something tot think about too!

[xrac]

Ain't this the truth?

[xrac]

Is this you?

[xrac]

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

 

He replied:

 

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day;

deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

 

Trump 20:16

 

[Joe Marconi]

 

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

 

He replied:

 

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day;

deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

 

Trump 20:16

 

 

 

I am going to use this!

[xrac]

Chuckle.........

 

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark sunglasses.

She says: "Excuse me, Sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel ?"

He says: "Ma'am, I'm completely blind but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you

everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says: "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB.

test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says: "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the

counter. I'll take it !" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and

accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could

tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person

around.

The man rings up the sale and says: "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks: "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was

on sale for $20.00 ? How did you get $34.50 ?" He replies: "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is

$20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

[Joe Marconi]

Chuckle.........

 

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark sunglasses.

She says: "Excuse me, Sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel ?"

He says: "Ma'am, I'm completely blind but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you

everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says: "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB.

test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says: "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the

counter. I'll take it !" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and

accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could

tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person

around.

The man rings up the sale and says: "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks: "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was

on sale for $20.00 ? How did you get $34.50 ?" He replies: "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is

$20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

 

Now that is funny!

[HarrytheCarGeek]

There's this 80 year old guy, driving down the main drag of Las Vegas at 3 AM. He gets pulled over by the cops. Cop asks, "where you goin?" Man answers "I'm going to a lecture on alcoholism and how it ruins your life and health and relationships". Cop asks "Who's giving this lecture at 3 AM?" Guy answers. "My wife".

[xrac]

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Alabama, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us”. Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we 
is from Alabama ."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come ya'll knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners."

 

 

[xrac]

This one is dedicated to Gonzo.

 

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years,saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not aship. And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities ofa small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over andunzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten howgreat a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous bl onde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

 

[Joe Marconi]

Now that's funny!  

 

[xrac]

Psychiatrist vs Bartender.

 

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

 

So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

 

“How much do you charge?”

 

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

 

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

 

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

 

“Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

 

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

 

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

 

It's always better to get a second opinion.

[xrac]

 

[Andre R]

Thank you for that XRAC, now my head hurts. I'm calling my senator to demand an investigation!!!

[Joe Marconi]

No wonder nothing gets done in the country when the government gets involved! 

[xrac]

Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't ....show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one
day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened
to you?"

Russ replied, "I was in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about
her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'."

"The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

 

[xrac]

Murphy applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

 

 A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

 

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

 

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."

 

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

 

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

 

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?

 

Manager "That's simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,

 

'I don't know.'

 

You put down, 'Neither do I.' "

[xrac]

Gonzo, health issues have cause him to reevaluate his life and maybe it is time for us to do the same. Have you considered retirement?

Where You Can Retire In the USA

There is no perfect place to live in the USA. Sure, you probably have your idea of where "God’s country" is, but at best it only comes close to paradise; every place has drawbacks to offset its advantages. Hawaii, for example, has the kind of climate most of us would enjoy, but the cost of living there is terrible, because anything that can’t be made or grown locally has to be transported across the ocean. And every part of the nation has to deal with natural disasters at one time or another: blizzards, tornadoes, floods, etc. I heard once that when it comes to natural disasters, Utah is probably the safest state, because hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanoes never strike there -- but Utah still gets some fierce thunderstorms.

Anyway, if you are looking for a place to retire, here is what you can expect from several retirement havens.

 

 

You can retire to Seattle where:

 

1. You can rust, grow moss on your back and webbed feet all at the same time.
2. Coffee is a major food group.
3. You can wear socks with your sandals and shorts with your parka.
4. You can go to the Seattle Rain Festival--starts in January & ends in December.
5. The four seasons are rainy, rainier, sunbreaks and rain, and construction.
6. And, no matter how much you try, you can’t drive as fast as the Canadians.

OR

 

 

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where:

 

1. You’re willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: very warm but tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU FRICK’N KIDDING ME??!!

OR

 

 

You can retire to California where:

 

1. You make $250,000/year and still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

 

 

You can retire to New York City where:

 

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn (if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

 

 

You can retire to Minnesota where:

 

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole, which you call "hot pot."
4. Sexy lingerie is anything made of flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

OR

 

 

You can retire to the Deep South where:

 

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y’all" is singular and "all y’all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Ray, Bonnie Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It’s important to know the difference, too.

OR

 

 

You can retire to Colorado where:

 

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
5. The seasons are: Hiking, Feels Like Snow, Snow, Melt/Snow/Melt.

OR

 

 

You can retire to the rural Midwest where:

 

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, like, "Where’s my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
6. You actually believe you don't have an accent when you speak.
7. Your favorite church hymn is #372, "In Heaven There is No Beer."
8. Badgers and Wolverines fight with each other for sport.
9. Lutherans are the strongest gang and have the best colors.

OR

 

 

You can retire to Florida where:

 

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon, to catch the early bird special.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
6. You’ve gotten used to having bugs in the kitchen, and lizards and snakes in the yard.
7. The seasons are: Early Summer, High Summer, Late Summer, and Not Summer.

OR

 

 

You can retire to northern Michigan where:

 

1. You don’t take your dog(s) to the vet when they return home with two hundred porcupine quills in their mouths, nose, gums, and tongue, because it happens too often to pay that much money, so you hold them down with scissors and pliers and do it yourself.
2. Your trashcans/bags at the end of your driveway are in a protective structure in order to keep wildlife out, up to the size of a raccoon, because the bears will tear down any defense you build anyway.
3. Locals fall into three categories: Yoopers (live north of the Mackinaw bridge), Trolls (live under/just south of the bridge), and Fudgies (downstaters on vacation).
4. You know why downstaters are called Fudgies (their specialty is Mackinaw fudge).
5. Snowfall is measured for the season in tens of feet.
6. "Pasties" are what's for dinner, not something stuck on strippers.

OR

 

 

You can retire to Massachusetts . . .

 

but I can’t think of one reason why you would. Ever.

 

[xrac]

Last night- I dreamed I was a muffler: and woke up exhausted!

[xrac]

Do you have a phone like this?

 

https://youtu.be/kyisfzUT7Ys

[Wheelingauto]

Two pretzels were walking down the street........ one was assaulted 

[xrac]

In Naples, Florida the other day, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."

 Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker

And left a note that read:

 

"Hope this helps!!!"

[xrac]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. 

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! 
What the hell did you bring him home for?" 

"Because he's thinking of getting married." 

[xrac]

Hope I haven't already posted this:

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is daddy," ... "Is your mommy near the phone?"

"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"

After a brief pause, daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy, right now!"

"Uh, Okay, then...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house." 

"Okay, daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 

"Well, I did what you said, daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."

***long pause***

Then daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 328-9874?"

 

[Gonzo]

This guys wife is having an affair when her young son comes home early.

The boy hides out in the closet to catch what was going on, when the husband arrives home early too.

The would be affair is halted and the lover hides out in the same closet as the boy.

The boy says, "Hey, it's dark in here."  The lover answers, "Yep"

The boy replies, "I got a baseball, I'll sell to you.  That way I won't say a thing to my daddy."

The lover says, "How much?"  The young lad says to the lover, "250 bucks"

The lover pays the kid and when the coast is clear he sneaks out of the house.

A week later the same thing happens.  The boy says, "Hey, it's dark in here. I've got a baseball mitt for sale now."

The lover reluctantly asks, "How much this time?"  The boy says, "750 bucks."

Again the lover waits for the coast to clear and makes his escape.

Another week goes by and good old dad asks the son if he'd like to go play catch.  The son tells him he sold his ball and glove for a 1000 bucks.  Dad, being a bit of a prude, tells the boy that he needs to go straight to confession because that was way to much to sell his old ball and mitt for.

The boy heads to the confessional, he steps inside and says, "Hey, it's dark in here."  the voice from the other side says,

"NOW Don't start that crap AGAIN!" 

[xrac]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. 

 The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

 2. The native language they use to communicate 
with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long 
term memory for possible later retrieval; and

 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, 
you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 
(THIS GETS BETTER!) 

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine 
('el computador'), because: 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, 
you could have gotten a better model. 

The women won. 

 

Send this to all the smart women you know .....and all the men that have a sense of humor.