Joke of the Day

[xrac]

Since it is Sunday and I am on my way to church I thought you might enjoy a religious story:

 

Here is the lost paragraph in GENESIS....

 

So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

 

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

 

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion when ever you need it."

 

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

 

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

 

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

 

And the rest is history.

[Gonzo]

Since it is Sunday and I am on my way to church I thought you might enjoy a religious story:

 

Here is the lost paragraph in GENESIS....

 

So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

 

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

 

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion when ever you need it."

 

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

 

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

 

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

 

And the rest is history.

 

 

I read it to my wife... All I got was the "evil" eye.... I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight... thanx... thanx a lot. LOL She says it was a bargain for just a rib.... He should have ask for a little more... how about a toe or something....

[xrac]

Breaking news:

 

 

BP announced that this morning they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe & it quit putting out.

[Joe Marconi]

Great jokes, nice to laugh...I am going to show the jokes to my wife...wish me luck!

[xrac]

Marine check point video:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FaDhnkzqTU&feature=email

[Joe Marconi]

Marine check point video:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FaDhnkzqTU&feature=email

 

What a "sense" of humor. l listened to the video a few times!

[xrac]

At the St. Peters Catholic Church in Chicago, weekly marriage seminars are held for husbands. At a recent session, Father O’Malley asked Giuseppe, a naturalized citizen from Italy who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

 

To the assembled husbands, each leaning forward and listening intently, Giuseppe said, “Well-a, I’ve-a tried to treat her nice-a. I spend-a da money on her. But best-a all, I took-a her back to da old country, to Italy, for our 25th wedding anniversary.”

 

Father O’Malley, duly impressed, responded. “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”

 

Proudly, Giuseppe said, “ I’m-a gonna go pick her up!”

[Joe Marconi]

At the St. Peters Catholic Church in Chicago, weekly marriage seminars are held for husbands. At a recent session, Father O’Malley asked Giuseppe, a naturalized citizen from Italy who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

 

To the assembled husbands, each leaning forward and listening intently, Giuseppe said, “Well-a, I’ve-a tried to treat her nice-a. I spend-a da money on her. But best-a all, I took-a her back to da old country, to Italy, for our 25th wedding anniversary.”

 

Father O’Malley, duly impressed, responded. “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”

 

Proudly, Giuseppe said, “ I’m-a gonna go pick her up!”

 

Coming from an Italian background, that is truly funny. I laughed so hard, I really needed the laugh after a hot, tough day!

[xrac]

Some of your wives didn't appreciate the other jokes I posted. Maybe they will like this one better!

 

40 years of marriage..

 

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

[Joe Marconi]

Some of your wives didn't appreciate the other jokes I posted. Maybe they will like this one better!

 

40 years of marriage..

 

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

 

I'm going out with friends tonight and planning on tell this joke! This is a classic!

[xrac]

Just before Chelsea's marriage, Hillary spoke with her daughter.

 

 

Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom.

 

 

She asked Chelsea ... "Have you had sex with Marc?"

 

 

Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad!"

[xrac]

Limit all US politicians to two terms:

 

One in office

 

One in prison

 

Detroit and Chicago already do this.

[xrac]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

 

"I want to live forever " I said.

 

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

 

"Fine" I said, "I want to die when the Browns win the Super Bowl!"

 

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

[xrac]

If you are married or into horse racing take a look at this:

 

[Gonzo]

If you are married or into horse racing take a look at this:

 

 

 

there near the end I thought he was stating a fact not calling the race... Good one....

[xrac]

Vaseline

 

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young

Woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the

Product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

 

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say

That they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for

Your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how

You use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it

On the door knob to keep the kids out."

[Joe Marconi]

Vaseline

 

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young

Woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the

Product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

 

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say

That they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for

Your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how

You use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it

On the door knob to keep the kids out."

 

I love it, clean old fashion fun!

[xrac]

A woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

 

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

 

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.

 

"Love."

 

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

 

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

 

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

 

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

 

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. " I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

 

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

 

"Which word?" her husband asked.

 

" Czechoslovakia ."

 

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay later

[xrac]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

 

The woman shakes her head no.

 

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

 

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Joe Marconi]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

 

The woman shakes her head no.

 

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

 

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

That’s your best joke yet! Hysterically funny!

[xrac]

Women Explained By Engineers

 

 

 

 

 

[Joe Marconi]

Women Explained By Engineers

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, I need to show this to my wife...or...maybe not....too funny!!

[CARMandP]

My wife wants to know what stop winging is on the remote. She said this obviously was made by a guy. LOL

[xrac]

A Guy Fairy Tale

 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

Will you marry me?

The Princess said NO!!

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles

And went fishing and hunting and played golf

And dated women half his age

And drank beer and scotch

And had tons of money in the bank

And left the toilet seat up.

[Gonzo]

pinch me.... I'm dreamin'.... no, no, no don't wake me up... I'm enjoying the moment.... LOL

 

A Guy Fairy Tale

 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

Will you marry me?

The Princess said NO!!

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles

And went fishing and hunting and played golf

And dated women half his age

And drank beer and scotch

And had tons of money in the bank

And left the toilet seat up.

[xrac]

Housewife's letter to PPG:

 

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used Tide all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

 

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

 

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go. Have to write to the Hefty bag people next!

[xrac]

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

 

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to

 

the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the

 

things that are important to each other."

 

 

He then addressed the men,

 

"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

 

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

 

 

"Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?"

 

 

And, thus began my introduction to celibacy....

[Joe Marconi]

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

 

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to

 

the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the

 

things that are important to each other."

 

 

He then addressed the men,

 

"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

 

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

 

 

"Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?"

 

 

And, thus began my introduction to celibacy....

 

Thanks, I needed a good laugh this morning!

[xrac]

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

 

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

 

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

 

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

 

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..... '

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

 

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans

 

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

 

'Your Honor, what else could I say?'

[Gonzo]

I'm FINE, yes officer... couldn't be better... LOL good one Frankie.....! !

Edited January 21, 2011 by Gonzo

[xrac]

A gynecologiost had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

 

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

 

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

 

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

[Gonzo]

Ok, he did it the hard way, but does he still want 200 buck an hour??? LOL

A gynecologiost had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

 

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

 

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

 

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

[Joe Marconi]

A gynecologiost had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

 

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

 

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

 

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

 

Now that's funny! My wife is a nurse, I will be sure to pass this on to her.

[xrac]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?"

 

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

[Joe Marconi]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?"

 

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

 

Truly funny! Thanks for the laugh!

[Guest waynes]

and god made Adam first, Adam asked why me? and god said I don't need any advice,

[xrac]

Two Redneck hunters, Bubba and Bobby Joe (or was it Gonzo and Frank) , got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

 

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

 

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

 

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

 

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

 

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Bubba and Bobby Joe survived the crash.

 

After climbing out of the wreckage, Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Any idea where we are?"

 

Bobby Joe replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[xrac]

I was at the store late the other night and I was really tired. I may even have been the last customer before the place closed. Cute girl at the register said "Strip Down, Facing Me". It didn't dawn on me that she was talking about the swiping of my Debit Card.The good news is that bail is not nearly as expensive as I thought it would be.

[Joe Marconi]

That's funny.... keep them coming....could always use a good laugh!

[xrac]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

 

He looked at her for a while then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, and K.”

 

She humbly asks “What does that mean?”

 

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

 

She smiled happily and said “Oh, that’s so lovely what about I, J, and K?”

 

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

 

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles

[xrac]

My apologies to my friends that are of differing political persuasion but I thought this too good to pass up:

 

Senior Lemon Picker

 

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. The woman applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."

[Joe Marconi]

Always look forward to good joke, breaks up the day! Thanks and keep them coming!

[xrac]

As I was driving home one day feeling a little depressed at how my life was going.

I saw a yard sign that said:

 

 

 

 

NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-705-3787

 

 

 

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

 

It was a Latino with a lawnmower.

[Joe Marconi]

As I was driving home one day feeling a little depressed at how my life was going.

I saw a yard sign that said:

 

 

 

 

NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-705-3787

 

 

 

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

 

It was a Latino with a lawnmower.

 

 

Now that's funny!

[xrac]

OLD TIMER'S HOSPITAL STAY

 

Jim was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this morning',

 

Or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'

 

Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse.

 

One day, at breakfast, Old Jim took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went !

 

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.

 

'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '

 

At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

 

The nurse fainted.

 

Old Jim just smiled.

 

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE.

[Joe Marconi]

OLD TIMER'S HOSPITAL STAY

 

Jim was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this morning',

 

Or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'

 

Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse.

 

One day, at breakfast, Old Jim took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went !

 

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.

 

'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '

 

At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

 

The nurse fainted.

 

Old Jim just smiled.

 

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE.

 

Very funny, I will keep that in mind for the future.

[xrac]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the

pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you

need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,

"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have

any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a

picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Joe Marconi]

That is Funny....I am going to use this joke...thanks for the laugh....needed it today!

[Gonzo]

An elderly fella was in a hospital room gathering his thoughts as he laid there with a breathing mask on. In walked a young nurse to check up on him.

She asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Through the breathing mask the young nurse heard, "Yes, are my testicles black?"

 

She was a little shocked, but being the dutiful nurse she was, she lifted the hospital robe and examined the old guys private parts.

"No," she said, "They're quite normal in color and very well proportioned I might add. Anything else you'd like me to do?"

 

The old man took a deep breath and pulled the mask away and said with a smile, "Thanks for the complements young lady. Been a long time since a pretty girl noticed,"he grabbed another breath from the mask, "Now, could you find out if my tests results are back?"

[xrac]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your haircut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "