Joke of the Day

[Gonzo]

New Thoughts of the day... Now that I'm older and slowing down a bit.

 

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

 

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

 

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

 

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

 

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

 

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

 

The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

 

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

 

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 

[carjunkie]

These are some good jokes and I enjoy them. A while back, I came across this video and thought it was funny.

There's a hot rich matrix for the women by the same man. It's kinda funny too.

 

 

[xrac]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
    She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
    The defence attorney nearly died.
    The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
    'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[xrac]

The Jewish Tie Salesman

 

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little, old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack…selling ties!

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, " Idiot! Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none, just ties…pure silk, and only $5."

"Baahhh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but…I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. 
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie?"

 

[xrac]

The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the
butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc. 

When everyone hadfinished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid

[xrac]

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[Truett]

From one of my favorite comics...Rodney Dangerfield

 

“My wife and I hav agreed to smoke only after sex. I have the same pack of cigarettes since 1975. What bothers me is my wife is up to 3 packs a day.”

[xrac]

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

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[Joe Marconi]

great joke! Enjoyed it, as usual!