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ACURA

Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead

Asia's Curse Upon Rural America

A Car Usually Rarely Appreciates

 

AMC

Always Made Crap

Autos May Combust

 

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

Always Under Diagnostic Inspection

Always Upside-down, Double Interest

Another Understated Dealer Incentive

A Used Dodge Incognito

 

 

BMW

Bob Marley and the Wailers

Beautiful Mechanical Wonder

Beautiful Models Wanted

Bavarian Manure Wagon

Biggest Metal Waste

Big Money Works

Bring My Wallet

Burn My Wallet

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

Break My Window

Bring More Women

Bring More Wrenches

Bavarian Money Waster

Bring My Wad!

Blew My Wad!

Big Money Wasted

Bring Money Where?

Buy More Women

But Mom, Why?

Big Manufactured Waste

 

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer

 

CADILLAC

Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions

Company Asking Dealers If Local Lawyers Are Calling

 

CAMARO

Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing

 

 

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

Cant Have Every Vehicle Race On Last Every Time

Can hear every valve rattle, oil leaks every time

Check Heads Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time

Cracked Heads Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time

Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattling Oil Leaking Everywhere Truck

 

CHEVY

Can Hear Every Valve, Rod, or Lifter Every Time

Can't Have Everything Vern, YaknowwhatImean?

Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet

Crap Hasn't EVolved Yet

 

CHRYSLER

Everyone knows who Lee Iacocca is right? His name IACOCCA stands for:

I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America

Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair Company Has Rid Your Savings Legally: Electronic Robbery

Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions

PT Loser (for PT Cruiser name)

PT Boozer

 

DAEWOO

Damn All Engines With Oriental Operations

Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally

 

DODGE

Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive

Doesn't only die, gets eaten

Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater

Design Of Diabolical German Engineer

Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Damned Old Dudes Going Everywhere

Damn Overhauls Do Get Expensive

Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine

Dodge Neon: Need Engine Overhauled Now

Darned Old Dirty Greasy Engine

Don't Our Dealers Gouge Everyone

 

FERRARI

Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Intuitively

 

FIAT

Found In A Trashcan

Fantastic In A Tightspot

Finest Italian Automotive Technology

Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation

Failure In Italian Automotive Technology

Fix It All the Time

Fix it again, Tony!

Fix It Another Time

 

FIRESTONE

Firestone Inexplicably Recalls Explosive SUV Tires On Non-stable Explorers

Firestone Overstates Reliability Data

 

FORD

Aspire: A Swift Punt In Rear End

PINTO: Please, It's Not Too Odious!

PINTO: Pyrotechnics Inevitable; No Timer Onboard

PINTO: Put In New Transmission Often

Ford Pinto: Flaming Oven Roasted Driver-Passengers Incinerated Nine Times Over

THUNDERBIRD: This Hoopty Usually Needs Daily Engine Repair But It Rolls Downhill

MUSTANG - Motor Usually Starts Then Almost Never Goes

Found on repairman's doorstep

Found on rack daily

Ford Owners Recommend Dodge

Full Of Rust Deposits

Faithful, Obedient, Reliable, Dependable

F**KING OLD RETARDED DRIVER

Ford Focus....Ford F**ck Us

F**ker Only Rolls Downhill

Fancy Oil Recycling Device

Found On Rubbish Dump

F***ed Over Road Disaster!

F***ing Oakey's Really Dig'em

F**king Obese Road Disasters

F**king Old Retarded Dudes

Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation

F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge

For Old Retired Drunks

Here's another good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Relies On Family

First On Recall Day

Fast On Race Day

For Off Road Driving

Fireball On Rear Damage

First On Race Day

First On Rust and Deterioration

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead

Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven

Fault Of R & D

MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage

F***ed On Raw Deal

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

Most tasteless one on the page: Found O.J. and Ron's DNA

Flip Over, Read Directions

Fork Over Remaining Dough

F**king Owners Really Dumb

F***ed On Race Day

(F)illped (O)ver ®esevation (D)ecoration

(F)**ked (O)ver ®ebuilt (D)iahatsu

For Old Retired Dutchmen

Found On Road Draggin

Frickin Old Ragged Dumpster

Fu**ed Over Rebuilt Dodge

First On Repair Day

FORD Owners Really Dumb

From Our Reject Department

LTD = Load of Trash from Detroit

FORD backwards = Driver Returns on Foot

 

 

 

GEO

Get Everything Overpriced

Got Everything Overhauled

 

GM

Government Motors

General Maintenance

General Mistakes

Generally Malfunctions

General Misery

Great Mess

General Malpractice

Genital Motors

Give More

GiMme

Getting Malignant

Got Me

Grab Me

 

GMC

God's Mechanical Curse

Getting Mostly Crap

GM Made Crap

Generally Makes Clouds

Garage Man's Companion

Generic Motors Corporation

Got A Mechanic Coming?

Greatest Mistake Created

Great Mountain of Crap

Greasy Messy Contraption

Gay Man's Chevy

Generically Made Chevrolet

Gimme My Checkbook!

Get More Cash!

 

HONDA

Had One, Never Did Again

Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance

Hang On, Not Done Accelerating

Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything

Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

Honda Options: No Deal Available!

Hold On, No Dealer Add-ons!

Honda Options Never Deal Affordably

Hang On, No Dealer Acquisitions!

 

HUMMER

Hope U Made Me Extra Reliable

Huge Ugly Mother, Mostly Eats Resources

 

HYUNDAI

Here's Y U Never Drive An Import

Hope You Understand: Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

Hardly Your Understanding New Dealer Allowance Incentive

Hold Your Usual Nitpicks, Designs Are Improved

Helps You Undergo New Debt After Inception

Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside

Hope You Understand, No Deals Available Inside

 

Jeep

Just Empty Every Pocket

Just Expect Every Problem (Sent in by a visitor)

Just Eats Every Penny

Just Everybody Else's Parts

Junk Everyone Eventually Piles

Just Expect Extra Payments

 

 

Jaguar

Just A Guess U Are Rich

Jumps Around Grinds Uncontrollably Always Rusting

Jump Around Get Up And Run

 

Kia

Keep It Away!

Kick It's Ass

Korean Imitation Accord

Korea's Imported Accident

Killer's Imported Asset

Kiss It Away

Killed In Action

Keep Inside Asia

Korea Invades America

Korean Industrial Accident

Killer Implosion Awaits

Killed In Accident

 

LAMBORGHINI

Loser Always Maintains Big Old Rotten Gunk; Hardly Inflates Nobody's Image

Lucky A Man By Owning Really Gives His Image Nice Inflation

 

LOTUS

Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious

 

Maserati

Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements

 

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

Must Always Zoom Down Asphalt

Most Are Zealously Duped Always

 

MERCEDES

My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke - But Efficiency Near Zero

Most Expensive Road Car Everyone Drives Except Steve

Merger Engaged Reverse Chrysler Entering Decline Evident Soon

 

MITSUBISHI

Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete

Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents

May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation

 

MOPAR

Match Old Parts As Required

Most Often Parked At Roadside

Move Over, Power Approaching Rapidly

My Old Pig Ain't Runnin'

Move Over People Are Racing

Mostly Old Parts And Rust

Motor On Pavement After Race

Moments Of Power Are Rare

 

NISSAN

Nobody Intelligent Sorrowfully Saying Ahhh Nutz

Need I Say Something About Nothing

Never In Season Simply A No-show</FONT>

 

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

Oldmobile</FONT>

 

PONTIAC

Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac

Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky Ass Crap

Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car

FIREBIRD: Fast Irresistible Real Electrifying Bird Inexpensive Racing Dare-Devil

Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned

 

PORSCHE

Plenty Of Receipts. Sorry, Can't Have Everything

PLENTY OF REPAIRS SERVICE CAN'T HELP EVERYTHING

Proof Only Rich Snobby Children Have Everything

 

SAAB

Some Ass Actually Boughtit!

Styling Absent After Buyout

Backwards >>>> Bad Asses Always Suffocate

Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards

Sad Attempt At Beauty

Send Another Automobile Back

Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

Sorry Assed American Buyers

Start Adding Additional Brakefluid

Stop Asking About Brakes!

Sorry As A Bum

 

SALEEN

Some Aristocrats Love Every Expensive Novelty

 

SATURN

Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now

Some Argue That Ubiquitous Repairs Needed

Send Another Towtruck Ubiquitous Repairs Needed

Same American Trash Under Revised Name

 

SUBARU

Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas

SUBARU backwards is: U R A BUS (You are a bus)

Subaru: Souped Up Bad Ass Racing Unit

Souped Up Blazingly Awesome Racing Unit

 

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

Totalled Only Yesterday, Officer Towed Away

This One You Oughta Tow Away

To Operate Your Own Terrific Automobile

Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away

Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories

 

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options

 

VW

Virtually Worthless

Very Wonderful

Very Weird

Very Old Lowered Kinky Sedan With A Great Engine Noise

Volks Who?

 

 

Edited by Gonzo
Posted

Loved it Gonzo!

 

My derivitive for FORD is:

Frustrated

Over

Ridiculous

Design

 

Chryslers are the worst, almost like they're engineered to be difficult to work on, but FORDs are like they simply didn't care.

 

Thanks for the laugh.

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  • Have you checked out Joe's Latest Blog?

         0 comments
      The Technician Shortage Is Our Fault, And It's Time We Own It
      Nearly every day, I hear shop owners complain: "There's a technician shortage. We can't find qualified people. There's no one out there." If that's true, then who's to blame?
      The industry? The schools? The government? I don't know how you feel, but who promised us an endless supply of qualified technicians?
      Another common complaint is that young people do not want to work in the trades. Well, if that were true, then why are other trades such as HVAC, electrical, and plumbing growing? What are they doing that the automotive industry is not? 
      Here's the reality we need to face: We do have a problem, but we shouldn't look for someone or any entity to rescue us. Not the government. Not the trade schools. Not the recruiting companies. No one owes us a workforce. If we want great people in our industry, it's up to us. At some point, we need to own up to the truth: Building a pipeline of qualified technicians is our responsibility.
      In this blog article, I will break down the key reasons we are in this situation today and what we, as an industry, can do to solve the technician shortage. Are you ready to look in the mirror?
      Have We Pushed Technicians Away?
      Let's take a look at flat-rate pay. True flat rate, which pays a technician only for the hours they produce, is a controversial pay plan that emphasizes high production levels and creates a competitive work environment that, if not properly controlled, can lead to increased mistakes and a decline in morale and team spirit. Additionally, the stress and physical demands placed on technicians as they age are not favorable to long-term employee retention. What do we do with technicians as they grow older into their fifties and begin to slow down? 
      I have heard all the arguments and pros and cons of flat-rate pay, and I am not going to judge any pay plan. Let the facts speak for themselves. True flat rate has changed in most areas around the country and has evolved into a pay plan that gives technicians some pay guarantee.
      Many shop owners have learned that team morale, along with the opportunity to earn income, is important to technicians and to the company's long-term success. But let me ask you: how many technicians have left or been pushed out over the years because of the old flat-rate pay system?
      Another issue is the workplace environment. I remember being grateful to be hired as a young technician at a local repair shop. While very thankful, the work environment was not ideal. The shop owner kept the bay doors open year-round (I am from New York) unless it rained or snowed. He felt that if the bay doors were closed, customers might think we were closed for business. We had no heat and no hot water. Many of the jobs were done outside, year-round,  in all types of weather. The starting pay was minimum wage, with no benefits, sick days, or vacation pay. 
      Now, again, I need to point out that I was truly grateful for the opportunity this shop owner gave me. I learned a lot working there, and the experience was pivotal in my career. But looking back, I wonder how many people were discouraged by these working conditions?
      While the physical demands of the repair workplace are daunting, perhaps even more critical is the culture. Too many of my generation shop owners preached the mindset of "my way or the highway." We were the business owners, after all. We started our companies, took all the risks, and provided jobs. Why shouldn't we be the ones to set the ground rules our way?   
      Many of us found over the years that the "my way or the highway" mentality was a sure way to isolate employees and make them more likely to look over the fence for greener grass. In other words, it led many technicians to seek employment elsewhere, where they felt they could be appreciated and recognized for their hard work. The issue, however, was that there wasn't much green grass around. Disappointment after disappointment, bouncing from repair to repair shop, eventually led to despair. So, I ask you: were workplace conditions a contributing factor in today's technician shortage?
      Another factor that we are all well aware of is the complexity of the modern automobile. When I started, the work was mostly physical, and you were required to master essentially three vehicle models: General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler. Let's fast-forward to today. The evolution of automotive technology, along with the extensive training and tools required, has outpaced the typical technician's pay compensation, with no clear career path. Again, leading to frustration and insecurity about the future.
      Here is the bottom line: people don't leave their job; they leave their experience. We must do a better job. 
      The News Isn't all Bad; Your Next Steps to Fix the Technician Shortage
      To fix the technician shortage, it will take a combined effort from everyone in the automotive industry, particularly automotive shop owners. Shop owners are in the perfect position to make the greatest impact, not only on their businesses but also on the future automotive workforce.
      First, shop owners must become better leaders and understand that their ultimate success is directly dependent on the people they assemble around them. Any shop owner who mistakenly believes they can build an empire solely on their abilities is destined for serious disappointment. Business owners who think like this will eventually plateau. Without the collective contributions from a team of qualified people, your business will stall; it will not continue to grow.
      Create a workplace that attracts top talent: a clean, professional, well-equipped facility designed to support productivity, teamwork, and a career, not just a job. Build a great reputation in your community by getting involved locally. Become the auto repair shop that people take notice of as "the" place to work.
      Next, shop owners must become more financially knowledgeable. Knowing your numbers and what you need to achieve for a strong bottom-line profit is essential to paying technicians the money they need and deserve. Profit will also allow you to compete with other trade industries by providing a benefits package that has real take-home value and security.
      When it comes to culture, this is where the rubber hits the road. People crave recognition, praise, and a sense of purpose. Despite what you hear, people are not just money-motivated. Once people feel secure in their financial situation, retaining and motivating technicians can only be achieved by connecting with them on an emotional level. You cannot show enough appreciation. Give out praise for a job well done as if your business depended on it, because it does.
      As technicians age, we need to have a place for them. Expecting a 58-year-old to perform like a 35-year-old is unrealistic. We need to be more focused on career pathing. Provide training, skill development, and coaching to develop leaders and mentors within our older workforce. While their bodies may have slowed, the knowledge they have gained is priceless. 
      Our future is dependent on young people entering our industry. We need to give more young people opportunities. Every shop owner across the country should consider hiring an apprentice, then build an apprentice training plan and career path for them. If every shop did this, we could solve the technician shortage within five years. Get involved with the trade schools and high schools in your area. Look into the NAPA Apprenticeship Program. Don't sit on your hands with this one. Do it today.
      Lastly, don't get left behind. Commit to ongoing training for all your employees. Keep up to date with tools and equipment tailored to your business model. Don't try to be all things to all people and all vehicles. Identify your core profile customer and the vehicles they drive, and become an expert on those vehicles and the services you offer.
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