The Long and Short of it

For those of us that stand behind the service counter we have a few general greetings we’ll use, usually a welcome or a hello, but eventually we come to the preverbal question, “What’s the problem with the car?” Now, its story time. Everybody has their own way of explaining things, and over the years of standing at the counter I’ve noticed a pattern to these explanations. There’s the short, quick version, and then there is the long winded explanation that starts off with the trip to grandma’s house last summer and mentioning every bump or bruise the car has ever had. The ironic part is that when the story is long the actual problem is quite small in comparison. But, the shorter the explanation is, the larger the problem seems to be.

I’m not sure why, but it almost always seems to work out that way. Take car fires for an example. When their recall of the events leading up to the demise of the car is shortened to just a few words I’ve got a pretty good idea that whatever is being dropped off by the tow truck doesn’t even resemble much of a car anymore. However, if I seem to be listening to the next documentary on the evaluation of the modern car or how affective a cheap set of overseas sockets and a no#2 screwdriver are then it’s a safe bet there’s less of a fire and more of quick and simple problem here.

Just the other day a car was towed in because it wouldn’t start, and the only explanation the owner could manage was that he changed the battery. After checking the car out it was very clear the PCM (Power Control Module) was off line and wasn’t communicating to the rest of the systems. The more I tried to pry information out of him the less information I seemed to get. Further testing revealed the PCM must have taking a large dose of high voltage/current… it’s a fried computer for sure. So, instead of a quick fix (As he was expecting) it was a costly repair involving a new PCM and complete programming. Just replaced the battery aye? My guess is he tried to jump the car with the leads backwards or installed the battery backwards, or both. But, I never did get him to admit to it. I couldn’t rule out a lightning strike or a once in a lifetime PCM failure due to changing a battery, I just couldn’t prove it one way or another.

A complete reversal of the short story is of course the long versions. A gal dropped her car off early one morning with several hand written pages of information wedged under the service bay door. The information started out with the day and time she bought it to the last oil change. Sure, I like to have as much information as possible; however a lot of the stuff on this list had nothing to do with the current condition of the car. Honestly, I really don’t need to know how many times you went through the automatic car wash last year. However, after reading through the documented average gas mileage per year I came to the very end of the last page which offered the most important information, the fuel pump had been changed just a week earlier, but the only problem she was concerned with was that the cruise control didn’t work. Then in a little side note on the edge of the page she mentioned that the turn signals and brake lights have been blowing a fuse too. The entire problem turned out to be a turn signal lead that was trapped between a fuel tank strap and the body. It took me longer to read the information than it did to find the problem.

Not to be outdone, there are the auctioneer ramblers that will rattle off a whole list of things they’ve done to the car in a non-stop-get-it-all-out-in- one-breath type of explanation. They’ll go from one extreme to another so fast that I don’t even have time to write anything down. Some will try to sound like they are incredibly knowledgeable about the various systems in their particular car, and it’s not uncommon for them to spew some sort of trivia about how many cars were produced that year, or what production changes there were, or the name of the guy on the assembly line that installed the ash tray. Seems they know more about the car than I do, except how to fix it.

As usual, the long drawn out story ends up being something simple. The last backyard mechanic with the compiled knowledge of automotive facts failed to mention he just installed a new alternator, even though I now know the name of the guy who installs the ash trays. The problem turned out to be a blown fuse, which happens to be the very fuse that powers up the very thing he just changed...the alternator. And, of course, it was one of those cheap-o alternators with a life time warranty. But, as with a lot of these overly informed experts of the home garage they believe that all parts are the same and they all come from the same place and all those high priced parts stores just mark parts up.

Well, there is one more scenario to follow along with the long and short story telling conundrum. That’s the over exaggerators. Exaggerations and mystic supernatural tales are a completely different issue. These days it’s sometimes hard to separate facts from fiction when it comes to what might be happening in a car’s electronics. Mainly because of all the incorporated control modules that have more than one purpose, such as the BCM (Body Control Module). Something that sounds exaggerated might turn out to be completely correct. So it pays to listen up… to a point. It’s just that sometimes the claims are just too far off to be even remotely possible, as in the case of the mysterious self-starting car.

The story goes that if dad’s car was parked next to the son’s car and dad started his up the other car would start too. Both cars were dropped off; I did everything I could to think of way to solve this mystery. I finally had to give up and admit defeat and told them to come get their cars. That afternoon in the lobby, the dad had to tell me the entire story all over again, (which they always do…) while the son stayed in the background with a huge grin on his face the whole time.

Watching junior out of the corner of my eye while dad ran through his story again, junior was doubling over with pent up laughter. If I didn’t know any better, something tells me junior has something to do with this. I had to interrupt the father while he was still going through all of his super-natural claims that could have caused this problem, such as sun spots and aliens. “Hey son, by chance are you playing a trick on your old man? (The kid nearly fell on the floor giggling….) Something tells me you’re using some sort of remote start when your dad starts his car.” Yep, that was the issue. The dad, good natured thankfully, got a big laugh at the whole thing. Seems this family has a habit of pulling practical jokes on each other and they carry these jokes to the “nth” degree. We all had a good laugh over this extreme prank.

In the long and short of it, repairing the modern computer driven automotive is far less understood by the general public and even with the best information out there once in a while even the professional mechanic might have to explain things in a long drawn out story for a simple problem. My best advice is to take notes, listen carefully, and don’t prejudge a problem until you have all the facts. Because, the very next car that comes in might be the one that doesn’t fit the trend of the long story-short problem or vice-versa. It’s a learn as you go and then learn some more type of thing, not only for the customer but the mechanic too. Ya just gotta watch out for those exaggerating practical jokers.

One piece at a time

Why is it that in one car the heater core is a snap to replace, while others have a zillion screws and countless pieces that need to be removed? Or, the A/C compressor is buried so deep in the engine compartment that hours upon hours are spent just to get it out? I suppose it all comes down to how the car needed to be designed and the allowable space provided. But, all this digging around sure doesn’t make the mechanic’s job any simpler, or when it comes to giving an estimate to the customer.

What if, instead of engineers and designers making the decisions about how all those components are shoe horned into the car, they left it up to the mechanic to decide where they go? I would definitely change how some of these cars require the entire dash to be removed to gain access to the evaporator core. In fact, I would probably have an access panel behind the center section of the dash. You know, just remove the radio and the heater controls and unfasten some sort of door and there you are. I would move the evap core and heater core connections somewhere else besides wedged between the firewall and the engine. I’ve never liked having to “plank” across the engine bay and wrestle those fittings loose.

Oh, I’m sure it wouldn’t be practical to have mechanics design it. Besides, every mechanic who’s worked on cars for a few decades would have a few favorite choice parts they’d like to see used vs. some new unproven and yet to be tried out part. Although, the final appearance of the mechanic’s creation might look something like the Johnny Cash song, “One piece at a time”. You know an engine from one year, a radiator from another, perhaps a door handle and latch from something else, and an ignition switch from an entirely different decade.

It’s not just access to some of these parts that the engineer’s design seems to be more important than serviceability, it’s the way some these parts are fastened to the car, like door panels for example. One year they’ll use push clips and the very next year it’s hooks and screws. Or, the material they built “this” year’s door panel becomes so brittle after being out in the sun for a few years that by the time a window motor or switch needs replaced the whole thing snaps like a dry twig.

Just getting a serpentine belt off of some cars requires removing a motor mount or the use of some crazy half twisted and contorted tool to take the tension off the belt. It’s just insane how many variations in design there are. Seriously, they should consult the guys and gals in the service bay about some of this stuff first. Yea, I know, a lot of the design aspects of the modern car are done in a particular manner for quick installation at the factory. That might be great to get the car down the assembly line, but it doesn’t help a bit when it comes to service work. Oh, and I can’t leave out those hidden bolts and squirrelly double locking clips that can frustrate even the best mechanic out there.

Granted, back when we switched to the electric pumps in the fuel tank there were probably a whole lot of design issues that weren’t considered or perhaps were entirely overlooked. And, I’ll bet there was a stock pile of metal tanks already pressed out on those big machines. But, why didn’t anyone think of adding a trap door to ALL the different models instead of having to wrestle those cumbersome metal tanks from under the car? You mean to tell me no one could figure out how to add a trap door in the bed of a pickup truck either? Seriously…

These days, with all the electronics and computer systems you’d think design issues wouldn’t be nearly as complicated as they were before…. ‘fraid not! Now it’s not only the design, it’s the programming, the software, and configuration issues. I run across so many various models with modules that have become obsoleted from the manufacturers, and it’s just about impossible to find any good salvaged replacement parts, let alone, how some of these modules can’t even be used again if they were already programmed. Many times a customer will ask me, “Why did they design it that way?” I just shake my head and try my best to explain that things are the way they are because they are the way they are, basically… I don’t have a clue.

I seriously doubt any of the auto manufacturers would ever ask what the little old mechanic thinks of having to remove the entire front bumper assembly just to change a headlamp. We’re just supposed to do it and accept the fact the customer is going to question the cost of the repair, and probably spend a lot of time calling other shops just to make sure they are not getting cheated or over charged.

I suppose all these changes are job security for the mechanic. Who else would want a job where everything you previously learned is now useless information on the next model year you work on. This means the mechanic has to spend an enormous amount of time studying the latest systems and procedures just to be able to do what he did on a previous model.

Even though some things about the modern car are far superior to their predecessor, there is still room for some serviceability design improvements. Of course, you can forget about asking me what I think of their changes. It’s not like they can’t find me, I’m right where I’ve always been. Right here in the service bay doing what I’ve done for years, looking up the procedures, rolling my eyes at how many steps it takes to change a light bulb, and dealing with those changes.

For me, it’s back to work, tearing things apart and putting them back together and like always… one piece at a time.

The Refrigerator Light

Did ya ever find yourself at the service counter trying to explain to a customer how you diagnose an intermittent problem? I know I have. Intermittent problems can vary and the explanations of these problems are just as diverse as the problems. Typically, I’ll ask the standard questions: When does it seem to happen most often, how often does it occur, is it more likely in the morning or afternoon, and does it happen when the engine is cold or hot? Those type of questions. The usual answer in most cases is, “I don’t know”.

The big issue is that a lot of people don’t understand that even though they have seen a failure, and the fact that it doesn’t occur very often, doesn’t mean the mechanic is going to be able to find it without some background or investigative research. Take for instance this guy who came in and told me his car doesn’t start. I asked, “Where’s the car? I’ll have a tow truck pick it up?” His answer, “I don’t need one, I drove it here.” Then, of course, I’m back to the questions again, “So, when does it not start?” I’m confronted with the typical answer, “I don’t know”. The more I tried to dig into the history of this “no start” condition the more “I don’t know” seemed to come up. At best the only clear cut answer I got was that it did it once last summer. (This is no help at all nearly a year later.)

Apparently this guy (along with many others) was informed there is this magical diagnostic tool that can not only tell the date and time of a past failure, but can also predict the future demise of any component in the car. So, now my “intermittent” explanation is side tracked with explaining that there is no magical machine. Eventually, I went through the normal “intermittent” spiel, and how duplicating the failure was the most appropriate method beyond looking at the numbers and PID’s on the scanner. I could use a travel recorder that will record pertinent information and give it to the customer to drive around with it hooked up to the car for a bit, but since the last failure was the previous summer I don’t think leaving the recorder in his car would do any good. Since that’s not really an option, I did my best to explain how I diagnose intermittent problems with something that most people could relate to -the refrigerator light.

“Let’s say your refrigerator light is the intermittent problem. It’s working now, and should work every time you open the door, but at some point it’s not. The bulb could burn out, or it may get jarred loose and intermittently come on. But, the very next time you open the door the light may come back on, even though it didn’t come on the last time. So, if you stand in front of the refrigerator and can tell me when it’s going to fail, or know precisely when the next swing of the door in which the light isn’t going to work, then it’s no longer intermittent, but predictable,” I told him, “So, before you swing that door open for that midnight snack, ask yourself this, “Is the light going to be on, or is this the day it burns out?”

Keep in mind those light bulbs last a long time, and even if you are the type of person who calculates the exact hours of use that the bulb is predicted to last, I doubt you could ascertain the appropriate day and time it will actually occur. Without a pattern, or being able to duplicate the problem, a lot of intermittent problems are just plain impossible to solve. You need facts, figures, and a good diagnostic background to tackle them. And yes, with the right information they can be solved.

Everything has a fail point; everything has a lifespan. The problem is I can’t predict a failure any more than the man on the moon can. Oh sure, I can take a few “SWAG’s” at it, and I might even have some insight on which parts will fail more often than the next, but that doesn’t mean I can find the reason your car failed to start nearly a year ago.

This guy seemed to understand and was happy to keep track of his car under the conditions it failed to start. In the meantime, we did an overall checkup of his car just to be on the safe side. But, I did warn him even with the best checkup out there, it doesn’t mean you’re free from a failure. It could be something that was totally unexpected and wasn’t seen during the checkup, or it could be something that is internal in a computer that you can’t see at all.

A few days later he was back. He had this grin on his face a mile wide. There was something he was dying to tell me. “Did it finally not start for ya?” I asked. “Nope, car is fine,” he said.

“So what brings you here today?” I asked.

He jokingly told me, “My refrigerator light burnt out last night. I thought of you when it happened. I was standing in front of the refrigerator, and before I opened the door I would make a bet with myself whether or not the light was going to be on or off.”

Peculiar to say the least, someone actually drove across town to tell me about their refrigerator light, but now I was curious. I wanted to know the outcome. “So, did ya win your bet or not?”

“I lost,” he said, “but the car has been running fine since you did the check out. In fact, I’ve got the wife and kids playing the “Guess if the refrigerator light is going to be on game” too!”

Apparently, I’m a big hit around his house. Who would of thought explaining intermittent diagnostics would be fun for the whole family. This just proves that it really does take all kinds to make the world go around. I’m just glad I chose the refrigerator light as the example and not some other common household fixture or appliance.

Now, I’m wondering, has this ever happened before, and how often? Maybe it happens more in the morning or late in the afternoon? My best diagnostic answer, “I don’t know.”

My All-time Worst Spark Plug R&Rs

I’ve been changing spark plugs almost as long as I’ve been able to hold a socket wrench. I’ve changed plugs on everything from the family lawn mower to huge engines, and over the years there have been a few of them that are memorable only because they were such a pain in the toolbox to get out. A few were rusted into place, or the threads were stripped, and a few that broke off in the head, but the ones I remember the most are the ones that had you muttering to yourself that you’d never do another one again.

Now, I could mention the trouble with getting the spark plugs out of the Ford Triton 3 valve engines and how difficult those can be, but they are only tough because of the design aspects of the engine. Not that they are that difficult to get too. I’ve tried taking them out with the engine cold and with the engine hot. I prefer the hot method. Once I started taking them out that way I haven’t had near the hassle as taken them out cold (as per the procedure from Ford). Although, they are tough enough to extract, and a few choice words for the engineers may be in order, they don’t require the dexterity of a gymnast to get them out.

The transverse engines, any thoughts? Yea, I’ve got a few, especially the ones that half the intake has to be removed to get to the back plugs. What a genius design from a maintenance stand point. Yea, it sure does make for a compact engine bay, and yes, they don’t need changed as often as the older models do, but still.... what a hassle. Some of the transverse engines required you to remove the upper engine mount (the dog bone) and rock the engine in one direction to gain access the back plugs. A lot of guys would rock the engine back and forth, and when the engine was in the right spot they would jam on the emergency brake. It worked, but holy cow... dangerous! If the E-brake didn’t hold in the middle of your changing them, it could be even more difficult to extract the mechanic than just the spark plugs! The best method was to get the proper tool (Oh, gee another tool to buy) and use it to crank the engine to the right spot.

All those weird spark plug designs and sideways motor layouts had their issues, but nothing compared to the contortionist you had to be on other vehicles, or even worse how a job that looks to be only an hour or two turns into an all-day affair. One in particular that I remember so well is the mid 70‘s Chevy Vega. You know, the little car with the aluminum engine and the notorious oil consumption, yea that one. Well, there is another Vega that was available that didn’t have the little 4 cylinder engine in it. It came from the factory with a V8 squeezed under the hood.

Why do I remember this so well? I had a customer with one who wanted the spark plugs replaced. Back in the day, there was a national chain of tune up shops that was offering a 29.95 tune up for any factory original car. My customer had already asked me what I would charge and he didn’t like my price at all. The 29.95 looked like a bargain so he headed right over there.

A day or so later I got a call from the tune up place. They were questioning whether or not it was a factory set up, because they couldn’t even see the plugs. In fact, they couldn’t find it in their labor guides, either. The customer told them I did all his work, so they assumed I must have been the guy who “shoe-horned” this V8 in there. I laughed, and told them it was definitely factory assembly. The problem was the only way to remove all the plugs was to first remove the entire motor. Hey, they advertised it; they said they would do any factory car for that price, so do it!

They ended up pulling the motor and changing the plugs for the advertised price, but with one stipulation. Never to bring it back.

Another fabulous design that needs to be put on the list of all time dumb designs is the mid 80‘s GM 4WD van with a V8 engine. Now here’s one that you’ll get a work out trying to get to all the plugs. One from the deck lid, one from inside the wheel well, one with the dog house removed. Oh, and the last one... good luck. It’s buried in there to the point that you have to put your socket, swivel, and extension onto the spark plug in sections and then you might manage an eighth of a turn with the ratchet. You’ll need a change of clothes before going home on this one, because you’ll be covered in grease from head to toe as you bear hug the cross member, steering linkage, and countless other components just to get to the plugs.

It’s one of those jobs when the customer tells you they need a tune up the mechanic starts questioning their career choice. The customer says, “How come every time I ask a mechanic about tuning up my van they don’t want to do it?” Try it sometime… you’ll find out why.

What can be even more frustrating is when a car comes in with a misfire and it’s diagnosed as a faulty spark plug. The dead hole is the one that is just a fraction of an inch from the evaporator case. You can’t even see the plug, but you gotta get to it somehow. After what seems to be hours you manage to find the right combination of sockets and swivels to get that sucker out only to find the plug is completely shot. You suggest to the customer that it’s time for a tune up, and they tell you that it was just done a week ago. A little more investigating and you find that all the other plugs are brand new...except for the one you just wrestled out. Now, I have two people I want to have a little wall to wall conversation with. The engineer who designed this fiasco and the *#@^! mechanic who only changed 7 plugs.

I know I haven’t seen the worst of the worst, but I’ll bet there are mechanics out there who have run across worse ones than me. How about you guys telling me your worst of the worst? Send an email or text, and I’ll compile a list and put it into story form for later publication. If anybody knows which spark plug changes are the worst, it’s you guys and gals out in the service bays. Misery loves company, so think about your worst spark plug changes and let me know.

In-Demand/On-Demand

When it comes to cars there’s one thing that has held true from the very earliest days of needing any type of repair: if there is a demand for it, somebody will grit their teeth and step in there and get it done. And, that somebody is the mechanic. There’s a demand for qualified technicians all over the country, and as the complexity of the modern vehicle increases, the demand for more knowledgeable mechanics will be even greater. Being in-demand is one thing, being ready to make those repairs on-demand is another.

Obviously, demands expected of mechanics have greatly changed over the years, and the type of, or ways of making a repair has changed as well. Needless to say, mechanics will always be in-demand, regardless of these changes. Consumers, on the other hand, have their own set of demands and can be quite finicky.

The greatest asset to any business is its customers, but there are a few fellow consumers out there who have their demands a little confused. I’m referring to the ones who have a problem with their car, but can’t commit to getting it in the shop.

Whether it’s due to the weather, the day of the week or the cost of the repair somehow, someway their demands change from one extreme to the other. They are definitely in-demand of a qualified mechanic to solve their problems, but for some reason their demands are overshadowed by other factors.

I’m still puzzled as to how many times I get a call on a typical, rainy day and someone will ask, “Do you fix windshield wipers?” I’ll answer, “Yes”. Then they’ll tell me, “OK, as soon as it stops raining, I’ll be in.” Obviously the mechanic is in-demand by the caller, or they wouldn’t have called. “Now!”, usually isn’t the appropriate on-demand time, and you know, once it stops raining so will the demand of having the wipers in working order.

You might say they were just inquiring if you did that kind of work, and they’ll be in just as soon as the rain stops. Funny thing is, I hardly ever see the customer or the car after the rain stops.

How about the ones who call on the coldest day of winter wanting to know if I can replace a heater core, and if I can get it done ASAP? Well, if it’s an icy, snowy winter day chances are I’m not that busy anyway, so “now” would be an excellent time to demand something like that. Oh, but wait, there’s a catch. They can’t make it because they can’t clear the frost off the windshield. Sure, you could mention a tow truck, or you could send somebody out to pick it up. But, all of a sudden it’s not so important to have it done now. Seems their demands have changed somewhere in the length of the phone call.

I’ve lost count how many times this has happened. You know, when a customer comes into the shop boiling over with excitement about finally getting their car fixed. Oh, they’ll talk to the receptionist about how they have been putting things off just to get the car into the shop today, how wonderful it will be to have it fixed, and how they already budgeted for the repair based on the estimate you gave them a few weeks ago. The smiles keep coming from the other side of the counter, up until they realize it really is going to take as long as you estimated to get the job done, but without warning, their entire attitude will change. Seems the on-demand was there, and the “in-demand” was in place, but now… everything is off. “Oh, I’ll have to wait until next month to get it done. I just remembered, I have some other pressing items to take care of first. Oh, don’t worry I’ll be back,” they tell me.

It never fails, someone at the counter will demand to have their car looked at this very second, and then figures out that their plans need to be changed because of the length of time it would take to make the actual repair, or the fact you just can’t physically start on it right now. The outcome predictably is the same, with the same old line, “I’ll be back”. (I’ve learned not to hold my breath waiting for their return, or scratch a tentative date on the calendar).

Whether it’s the, “I’ve got to talk to my wife first”, the “What time do you open?”, or the “I’ll absolutely be back tomorrow”, you know there’s not a stick of truth to their story whatsoever. I often wonder why they just can’t tell me straight out, “I’m sorry, but you’re too expensive”, or “I just can’t afford it, so I’ll have to pass”, or “You fix it now and if you can’t, I’ll take it somewhere else.” It would make things a lot easier to move on to the next paying project rather than assuming even a small percentage of these “I’ll be backs” will ever show up again. In all honesty, probably less than 1% of them ever return.

I guess it’s just human nature to act this way. I suppose in some respects, it’s a much gentler way of getting oneself out of the jam you’re in. Perhaps they were hoping for some miracle from the automotive repair genie, and to be bestowed with some mystical repair with nothing more than a snap of the genie’s fingers.

It’s no different when you ask the guy on the phone, “So, what’s the problem with the car?” and instead of just telling you the symptom they have to go into this long dissertation of everything they’ve just done to the car. Every part and bolt has to be explained in detail, and they will usually throw in names of any shops that referred them to you. However, by the time you get to the diagnostic charge their entire demand during the phone call has changed.

Maybe they were just looking for free information, or some sort of good-old-boy bailing wire repair that I could explain over the phone. Obviously, the mechanic is in-demand. They called the right place, and they have a need for the service of a mechanic, but apparently not a very strong demand for professional service.

Like any professional field, the cost of service is based on the amount of background knowledge, the years of service, and the equipment involved. However, there are more repair shops near you right now that are working on cars with absolutely no proper training or equipment. Basically, they’ll charge you less to get you in the door. This also means a lot of wasted time and money trying different cheap parts and fixes; no diagnostics, proper equipment, and certainly without proper training.

Maybe this is why so much mistrust is in the world of auto repair. Some consumers have gone round-and-round at cheap parts stores and parts-slapper shops, without luck. Even though there is a demand for a true professional shop, there will still be a lingering doubt from the consumer whether or not this shop will be capable of doing any better than the last shop that just threw parts at it.

Hey, nobody is perfect, and yes, I started out with very little training, but it wasn’t long before I figured out that if you want to get anywhere in this business, you have to get the training. So, my immediate demand was to get that training and become a true professional at my trade, and not another one of those parts changing mechanics. Of course, some consumers are still going to find those parts thrower shops, no matter the problem. You have to ask yourself, “How many poor decisions do I have to make before the professional mechanic is in-demand?” Well, that’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself.

Eventually, cars will be too sophisticated for those fly-by-night guys or the DIY’r. Maybe, some of these consumers will start to take notice of how much demand there is for a well-trained technician. There will still be a few quirky ones out there who will bring their car in and demand that all the valve stems stay in alignment. That’s OK too. It’s not a perfect world out there, and you may still have to spend time explaining to people that some demands can never be met…no matter what.

Pulling the plug on an old car

We’ve all had those cars in our shop that would be better off resting at the nearest salvage yard. You know the ones with countless problems, none of which are cheap to repair. But, it’s an old regular customer who can’t afford much more than a Band-aide on the old ditch dodger, and you feel more family than mechanic, so you do your best to keep the old thing running.

But, there comes a time when no matter how much bailing wire or duct tape you’ve got, ya just can’t hold the old car together anymore. That’s when you’ve got to break the news to them. Most of the time, they understand. Sometimes it only makes sense when you bring the shovel and shotgun along when you explain their car’s demise.

The latest was a well-worn ‘85 van that has seen more than its fair share of soccer games and trips to the relatives. I don’t think the salvage value for the old car was much more than what it could bring on the weight scale. It had more than a few problems, and yes it would take a spell now and then and not start, but it always seemed to keep from completely falling apart.

It didn’t actually leak oil; it sort of oozed it out here and there. The coolant more or less stayed put, but ya did have to keep your eye on it. The brakes, well, they were OK, and the master cylinder was getting a bit soft and due for replacement. The fuel pump whined awfully loud, but the pressure held up. The starter was caked in layers of grease and grime, and I was certain it wasn’t going to last much longer. The driver’s door sagged and creaked as you opened it. The passenger door, well, that one took a mighty yank to get it to unlatch. Then, it would make a loud popping sound as the door edge grazed by the mangled front fender. I think the lights worked fine, and it didn’t have any service lights on, but all in all… it was a mess.

Of course, all of it could be fixed, but as the miles and age kept adding up little by little more things were going wrong. Now, it’s the motor mounts that have detreated, leaving the engine flopping around like a fish out of water. The air conditioner lines have been compromised, the power steering hoses are leaking, and the electrical connections are all getting pulled apart. And, now… the exhaust manifolds are leaking. I think it’s time, time to give this poor old car its last rites.

I headed up to the waiting room to console my old friend about his decrepit car. We’ve worked together for many years on this old heap. The intention was always just to make it last one more month. Those months were years ago. I sat down to give him the news.

“Well, partner, I think we’ve got enough assorted problems with the old ride that it’s time to either put some money into it or pull the plug. Or, dig a hole out back and place a shot behind the left headlight,” I told him.

He laughed and said, “I’ve been waiting for you to tell me that for years.”

And here I thought all this time I was saving this guy’s car from the crusher because he didn’t want to buy a new car. When in fact, he did like his old car but, he liked coming to the shop even more. His biggest thrill for the afternoon was watching and listening to all the antics going on at the repair shop. Seems I’ve been this old guy’s entertainment for quite some time. I never knew going to the repair shop was like a vaudeville act for this guy. Apparently so.

No wonder he would sit for a few hours after his car was repaired. I thought he was just using the lobby as a temporary office, which I didn’t mind at all. He wasn’t one of those who was constantly interrupting the flow of the day with a question or two, but he always had a “Hello, how are ya” if you walked by. I guess listening in on the antics of the techs talking technical stuff, writing up tickets, taking phone calls, and all must be some kind of entertainment for somebody out there, and the somebody, was this guy.

It was his way of getting out of the house and mingling with the world. I’m sure he probably kept a running conversation with his favorite checkout lady at the grocery store, too. I’ll bet he even enjoyed having solicitors call him, and I’ll bet they were the ones who had a hard time getting him off the phone… not the other way around.

As with most of these jobs, and fellas like this, they eventually have to buy a new car. He doesn’t come around as often, except for an occasional oil change or new wiper blades. These days he doesn’t drive as much anyway. So, even his frequent trips have become few and far between. However, when he does come by there’s always a new story he wants to tell me about. Once in a while he comes in asking for a complete coolant flush or something like that when we just did one a few months ago. I suppose he’s getting either a bit forgetful in his old age, or he’s just looking for a way to hang around the shop a bit longer.

So, even though it was time to pull the plug on the old car, the old guy still shows up from time to time. Sometimes it’s for a sound he heard, or a vibration he felt, or one of those, “Just check it over for me” kind of afternoons.

You know, I think I’ve figured it out, it’s not so much the car that needs attention, it’s the customer. He just wants a bit of conversation and a little company. And, as long as I’m able to keep the doors open, I’m not pulling the plug on the comradery between myself and my customers. Cars only last so long, friendships last forever.

Shop Vultures

They circle the shop watching your every move. You can’t get rid of them, and you can’t shoo them away. They’re fixated on the service bay where the tow truck dropped the latest dead car. Who are they? They’re shop vultures.

Shop vultures, yes there are a few. It’s unfortunate that a few people don’t trust their car alone with a mechanic. They have to either be in eyeshot of it or worse yet, hovering around the car while the mechanic is trying to diagnose it. I for one, find it rather disturbing and quite annoying to have someone standing over my shoulder while I’m working on a car. I’m never sure if they are just watching to see if I made a mistake, or if the whole thing is some sort of side show performance for them. A few are more interested in the repair and watch things intently. Why, I even had one fella who took notes while I was working on the car. Maybe they’re just checking to see if what I’m doing equates to the charges on their bill. I think it’s the latter, or at least that’s what it seems to me.

I find this type of personality generally doesn’t trust any type of service repairman. It doesn’t matter if it’s the plumber or the mechanic. They can’t sit and wait; they have to be out there checking on things. It doesn’t matter if they are carefully watching everything, while standing at the edge of the garage door, or following a few feet behind the mechanic… hovering. They’re going to keep close tabs on their car no matter what. Sometimes, they don’t even ask if they are allowed in the work area, they just barge right in as if they own the place.

For the ones who barge in and take up residence in the service bay, sooner or later they’ll lean on the wrong thing or pick some greasy part up they shouldn’t have. The sight of the grease on their hands brings on a spasmodic response of quirky arm shakes and facial expressions while in the search of something to wipe it off with. Of course, they inadvertently reach for the same rag the part was wrapped in and end up making an even bigger mess than before. By now, the mechanic has noticed the convulsive antics of the now stammering shop vulture with their greasy appendages, and stops what he’s doing and finds them a clean rag.

Sometimes, it’s not so much the leaning over the other fender that’s annoying, it’s the obscure questions they ask while doing so. Other times it’s the strange looks I get when I’ve taken all the lug nuts off the wheel and the rim is stuck to the brake rotor. Out of habit I’ll take the customary stance and proceed to shove all my weight against the tire while trying to pound it free. Yea I know, it probably looks like a gorilla pounding on a tire swing, but it does the trick. To the startled shop vulture the unexpected King Kong approach to tire removal will mean seeking out a higher perch, maybe a bit farther away.

Sometimes just being in the shop and watching things like a stuck wheel or seeing what is involved in removing a stripped bolt can greatly affect their confidence… for the good, and sometimes for the bad. As well as typically questioning as to why you started with the under hood fuse box when their problem is the tail lights. And no, I don’t know why your car didn’t start one afternoon last year after you dropped your kids off for soccer practice… on a Thursday, even though it was the only day that it rained for weeks.

It’s not that I don’t mind the occasional question or the rubber necking glances over my shoulder all that much, but let me do my job. Even an occasional conversation ain’t bad, but when I have to take the time to explain the inner workings of a low amp probe while I’m trying figure out why my battery is suddenly dead in my scope I might get a bit testy.

Not that I couldn’t answer most of the unrelated questions that throw my concentration off, but why should I? Not to say I haven’t had to explain a PID, or what that squiggly line is on the screen, I have. It’s their lack of understanding after explaining something which leads to even more time spent explaining even more things that gets annoying.

Not long ago I had a conversion van in with a possible battery drain. (As per the work order), I proceeded to do the usual draw tests that I normally perform. I use several different methods to find a draw on these cars. One is the old amp meter method, another is to read the millivolts across each fuse circuits, and the other is using a digital amperage meter specifically designed to read current flow. I used the digital amp meter this time around. Mainly, because it has a large display that both of us could see from a distance. After hooking up the leads I watched the digital display go from a 2.9 amp draw to 0.00 in a short bit of time. Once I zeroed out the meter a second time I reached over and opened the driver’s door. As soon as I did the meter jumped back up showing the draw. Then, in a minute or so, it was back to zero again and stayed there.

I told the now hovering vulture, who seemed to be more interested in the gadgets and not the test results, that I didn’t see a draw on his van. Which led to a lengthy discussion on parasitic draws, what the meter was reading, and what the results of the tests showed. Even after this long dissertation of the fundamentals of Ohms law, and what the meter was showing… he still didn’t get it. He didn’t believe the results. He was absolutely sure he had a battery drain. That’s when the real truth of the matter came out. The battery in the car was just put in at one of those box stores just a few hours ago, and even though his original battery tested bad he didn’t believe it. Sounds to me like the diagnostics results are confirming everything is A-OK, everything that is, except for the battery that isn’t there anymore.

What to do now? How do I show this guy the test results are correct and can safely go hover somewhere else? Well, I did the only thing I could think of. Spend the next 30 minutes teaching him how to do the test with my equipment on another car so he could see how to arrive at the results himself. Case closed, problem solved, even though I think this guy will always be a shop vulture, he’s a happy one.

Obviously, the best thing is to try and keep these rubbernecker’s out of the shop, if at all possible. That’s not to say I don’t have a bunch of friends and old customers that spend time in the shop talking cars, or learning some new techniques. I certainly enjoy their company. It’s the type of person who doesn’t trust the mechanic and are ever watchful for something to happen.

Being friendly, making small talk, that’s OK… shadowing the mechanic so close that you’re likely to get an elbow in your eye… not so cool.

Rude or Incompetent

There's a point when all the communication skills and diagnostic theory just go straight out the window. Nothing you do will change or affect the outcome of the situation, no matter what you do. You’re at the mercy of the situation. I always go back to the quote by Will Rogers, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” I agree… except I don’t think Mr. Rogers was referring to the happenings at the service counter. It's not that I don't try to get along with everyone who comes in the door, but there are times that no matter what I do, we aren’t going to see eye to eye.

Could be a communication problem, could be one of us is not comfortable with the surroundings, could be my turn for a bad day…or theirs… who knows? To be honest, I'm not one to sit and listen to a long winded story of how they bought the car on a rainy Tuesday, or how the right rear seat belt hasn't worked, and the transmission sometimes doesn't shift, then this morning the battery went dead so they had to jump start...but… that’s not what they brought it in for… however… they thought I should know “everything”. How about we just get to the point and go from there. For some… that’s not at all possible.

And, if you ask, “So, what you want me to find out is why the transmission doesn't shift sometimes?” you probably just started a string of improbable conversations that will inevitably end with me being either called “rude” or “incompetent”. As with the following example.

They'll answer, “No, I need you to find out why the engine stalls. What ever gave you the idea that I wanted you to look at the transmission?”

“Cause you mentioned it right before telling me about jump starting it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about what you’re talking about.”

“I said the car died when I was driving it, and now the battery is dead. That's why the engine is missing. Apparently you're not as good a mechanic as my friend said you were.” (See… I reached incompetent pretty quick this time.)

Then there are the times someone will come into the shop and tell me somebody said to them that I give some sort of discount if they are a member of some car club. Or I have a “no charge” policy to check out their car for special customers. Huh? Really? Who? What the? How does this get started? Oh, and of course.... this leads to the “rude” side of things and another potential customer out the door. Even if I try to offer them some condolences for their misinformation their mind is made up, and since whatever it was they were told isn't happening, it’s OK for them to raise their voice and be demanding… because, well… I’m rude.

The biggest laugh I get is the typical type of “A” personality person who comes in the door and wants their car looked at “NOW”. Are ya serious? How, what, when, or where did ya ever get the idea that you could walk into a shop, doctor’s office, restaurant...etc... And demand something like that? I'm afraid to say it but, it happens a lot. I suppose it's this rush rush world we live in these days that some people think the world revolves only because they allow it to. I guess I missed the fairy’s dancing in front of you while they were lofting rose petals for you to walk on… sorry about that… please forgive me.

A typical situation happened just the other day. An elderly gentlemen came into the office asking about a brake problem he was having on a truck he kept alongside of his house. He uses it to pull a camper trailer, but he hasn’t used it in years. He wanted an estimate on bleeding his brakes, but before I could give him any kind of estimate he had to tell me all about the brake system on his truck. (Here we go…) I asked him what kind of truck it was. That led to him waving his hand at me as if I wasn't supposed to worry about things like that. He explained it to me, “This is a truck brake system that I’m talking about, and you don't know anything about those.” (Gee, I'm glad to know... that I don't know...so I guess without knowing...ya know, I probably can't fix it either.)

He went on to tell me, “I saw a leak around that little thing that you bleed the brakes from, so I tightened it up. I've also switched it over to DOT 4 brake fluid and added a brake aide to it.”

I said to him, “You've modified the brake system I take it? Dot 4 and some sort of brake aide? I'm wondering if the leak has been taken care of correctly. That could be the reason you need the brakes bled.”

“I didn't put Dot 4 in it, and I don't have any brake aide on it... those are for big trucks. Mine is a ¾ ton truck,” he stammers.

“You just told me you did,” I badgered back.

“No, I didn't. Are you having trouble understanding me young man? All I need is an estimate for bleeding the brakes.”

“What kind of truck is it?”

“It's a Dodge... and it has a small camper trailer that I've had for a while. Oh it’s a real nice one, and I use it all the time.”

“You told me you hardly use it, and that’s why it’s sitting alongside of your house.”

“No, I use it a lot when I need to. So how much to bleed the brakes?”

“If you're seeing brake fluid leaking odds are you probably need a lot more than just the brakes bled, sir. Chances are it could be a wheel cylinder leaking, and of course I'll have to check the fluid for any contamination. Which could lead to even more issues.”

“Oh, I see, Ok then, I don't have the truck with me. Can't drive it right now... brakes ain't working, I just need a price for bleeding them.”

“I could give you an estimate on the average time it takes to bleed a brake system that is fully functional and doesn't have any other problems, if that's what you'd like?”

“I'll bring the truck in so you can look at it and give me an estimate, as soon as I get the brakes fixed.” (Ah dah, isn’t that what you wanted me to fix?)

This is like the guy who drives his car to the shop because it won't start. I'm really laughing inside you know, even though I’m being as professional on the outside as I can be. I mean seriously… the car that you drove to the shop starts and runs fine… what am I supposed to do now?

A few hours later the brake bleeder guy is back.

“What can I do for you now?” I asked.

“None of the other shops would talk to me. They told me to get out. You're the only one who would even tell me what’s going on. So can you give me that price on bleeding the brakes now?” he asked.

I guess I wasn’t rude or incompetent enough… it never ends.

Mechanics Need Not Apply

It shouldn’t be that hard to find a mechanic, why everybody is a mechanic, don’t ya know. So, if there are so many mechanics out there how come finding a good one is such a challenge? Could it be that these so called mechanics have been lying to us all this time? I find it very disconcerting that after 3 decades in the repair business I haven’t ran into as many mechanics as they say are out there. There are shops and various companies out there that hire people in to fill these positions who they believe they are mechanics. But, turn out to be your typical person with a mechanical aptitude but very little in the way of training in the field. However, they can bluff their way through most common problems.

Sometime ago, a guy came in with a car that was extremely hard to start, especially after the engine was warmed up. He took it to one shop who changed a part or two, but that didn’t fix his problem. Then, he took it to another shop that stumbled around with it for a month. A month mind you! There answer to the problem was that it must be a fuel pump. And, how did they determine that? Well, like any typical backyard mechanic would diagnose it. They sprayed some fuel into the intake. So, naturally, it must be a fuel pump that’s gone bad. No, they didn’t check to see if it had any fuel pressure, no, they didn’t bother to scan it, no, they didn’t check to see if it had any injector pulse or not… no, they didn’t do anything that would resemble a reasonable attempt at diagnosing it.

Needless to say, it was still extremely hard to start. After a month of guesses the car owner’s patience’s was wearing thin. Now the car was at my door. A faulty cam sensor and an overheated crank sensor was all it was. All it took was a look on a scanner to see the various input and output controls that the computer was monitoring. From there, check the leads for any damage, and scope the sensors (under the conditions of the failure). Easy enough…didn’t take me a month though. With a little background in how each of these sensors played a part in the engines operation you could have deduced what the problem was in less than a month… seriously people. And, to this day, that shop is still in business, and has the gall to call themselves a mechanic shop.

There are a lot of parts chasers out there that shouldn’t even own a tool box as far as I’m concerned. Am I ticked off? You bet! Granted, these Neanderthals with wrenches keep my shop full, but at what cost to the consumer? This is my point. If you’re going to be in the business of repairing today’s cars, then by all means… fix them, or pass on the job (at a reasonable time level) and suggest to the customer the appropriate shop that can perform the work.

It’s not just the mechanics either; it’s the shops and companies that allow such things. Oh sure, if you talked to the higher ups in some of these large national franchised corporations they’ll tell you they have the best mechanics in the business. Honestly, I doubt any one of those executives have a clue as to what’s really going on. And, I seriously doubt any of those execs. are driving around a late model car that has seen way too many miles and is barely keeping all four tires on the ground. I wonder if they’ve ever spent any time in the service bays to actually see what’s going on or not.

Even though, most general repairs can be accomplished by anyone who calls themselves a mechanic, it’s the evaluation and diagnostic work that seems to be lacking. But, people who are looking for bargains will still cater to the shops that don’t charge a diagnostic fee or has the cheapest rates in town. Not to get a second rate repair on their car mind you, oh no, they are looking for the same kind of results that they would expect at a much more qualified (expensive) shop. They are strictly after the cost savings and not poor workmanship. They usually won’t see the difference in their decision until after they’ve picked their car up.

Today’s cars are not the kind of thing to be left to some guy who has nothing more than a hammer and a screwdriver to test the car. But, for some reason, people will still go to that type of shop thinking they are going to get top notch service. I see this every day, and every day I’m still shocked that these shops are still in business.

So where are all these mechanics at? I still haven’t found them. Most good mechanics know who the good mechanics are in their area. Good shops and good mechanics don’t need to look for work. Those cars that need their expertise will find them eventually. Usually after the owner has ran the circuit of poor diagnostic results at those other shops. The problem is by the time some of these cars finally make it to the right mechanic their bank account is tapped out, and this usually ends with the same old scenario at the service counter.

You might say, “Well, I go to the dealership because those guys are the best trained guys out there.” Not necessarily, most of your top notch independent shops have as much time in a class room or in a book as most dealer mechanics do, if not more. In fact, most independent shops have an exceptionally wider array of knowledge. Different types of tools such as scopes, various scanners, and independent training companies that aren’t offered through the dealerships.

This whole thing just irks me to no end. If there are so many people out there that call themselves mechanics then why is it so hard to find a good one? I guess, the next time I decide to hire some help I’m going to hang a sign out front that says, “Help Wanted - Mechanics need not apply – Unless you really are one.”

FREE THE ECM’S

Sometimes, I’ll find faults with the so called “experts” advice or information. Not that I think I’m smarter than the engineers… no, not that at all. But if something strikes me as not being completely correct I might want to question what is on that diagnostic tree. Mind you, my entire day is filled with meeting the expectations of my customers. I have to be dead on with my repairs and diagnostics. Not some of the time, no, ALL the time. And, I expect the same from the people that provide the information and parts. The way I look at it, you’re only as good as the information provided.

Where does that leave me when the directions or diagnostic tree doesn’t lead to an answer? Usually frustrated, and disgusted. But what happens when you follow the diagnostic tree to the letter and something is still very, very wrong.

Several years ago, back in the 80’s or so, back before we had computer based information, email, and the internet we used big thick books to find our diagnostic information. You’ve all seen them, they’re somewhere in a back room of the repair shop these days gathering dust, next to that dwell meter and carburetor adjustment tools. All my big diagnostic books are on a shelf, standing like old soldiers of days gone by, proudly showing their age. Each of them has grease marks, scratches on the covers and worn edges on every page from years of service.

Back when the books were in their heyday I had a couple of interesting issues that a guy like me just couldn’t leave alone. I find something not right; I’d like to find out how to make it right. Even if the book is wrong, I’d like to know why the book is wrong.

There was this mid 80’s GM with a service light on. I broke out my overly large books of knowledge and started to follow the diagnostic tree to find the solution to the problem. As I went thru each step I would note the results of the test and then continue onto the next step.

When I came to the very bottom of the diagnostic tree, there on the final line of the final test was this statement: “If the answer to the last question was “yes” - release the ECM”. Now what it in the world are they talking about now? I’m 99.9% sure they actually meant “replace” ECM (Electronic Control Module), but that’s not what it said. It clearly said “release”

I’m wondering if they know there’s a typo in their book… I think I’ll call them… you know, just for a laugh. Not that it’s all that important, but what the heck… let’s have some fun with this.

I called, as seemed to be the norm back then it took a few phone transfers to get to the correct department, and as each operator put me in touch with the next operator I started to put together a story.

When I finally reached the engineering department, I had to play it up…

“Can I help you with a diagnostic problem?” he said, sounding all official and all.

(Like he had a clue what was going to happen next)… I let him have it with my own version of stupidity.

“Yes, I’m following this diagnostic tree and trying to come to the possible results, but I’m having some problems with it. Now, I’m not one to think there’s a problem with the diagnostics but this one, well, I’m a little concerned… it said, very clearly “release ECM”.

“Hmm, so what did you do?” he asked. (He’s not getting it.)

Let’s see if this guy can follow along with my idiotic logic, or see if I lose him in the translation.

“I disconnected the ECM, set it outside the shop, gave it a little pat on its PROM and said to the little aluminum computer box… “YOU’RE FREE! GO-BUDDY-GO, LEAVE, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, HIT THE ROAD! YOU’RE RELEASED!!” and you know what… it just sat there. It never moved… now I’m wondering, I followed the diagnostics correctly. The car is still in the shop and it still won’t start. And this dang computer doesn’t want to be released…. Ya got any suggestions? Because the test ended with “release ECM”… there were no more steps in the test so I did what it said… I released it -- what now?” I told him.

There was a dead silence on the phone. I’m guessing, this guy doesn’t get the joke, or he’s really thinking that little ECM should have taken its chance and run for the hills before this wack-o mechanic comes up with something else.

He cautiously answered, “Can I call you back on this? I’ll have to consult with the engineering department on this one.”

Is this guy serious? Really, fella, can you not see this is just a joke? I would have thought most intelligent people would see right through my little story… not this guy, he was dead pan serious. He took down the page number and said he would get back to me later that day. Now I’m waiting for “Mr. Engineer” to get back to me.

A few hours later he did call back and informed me that it was a misprint and it really should have said “replace”.

“I know,” I said, “I just thought you guys would like a little joke. I thought you’d like to know that there was a mistake in the books, that’s all.”

“Thanks for telling us, we all got a pretty good laugh over it,” he answered, “We like to think we have the best books in the industry and we pride ourselves on giving you guys the most precise information possible.”

We ended the phone call with both of us laughing about the whole thing. Little did he know, he would get another phone call. A few days later I had another problem to deal with. It was a knock sensor code and the test procedure said; “Take a 4 oz. hammer and tap next to the sensor while observing the scope reading”.

You know, I couldn’t leave this alone. After getting this uptight engineer to loosen up on that last phone call, I just had to call him again.

“OK, what is it this time?” he asked.

“I don’t have a 4 oz. hammer to do this test. You know, you told me you have the most precise information… and I don’t want to deviate from the book without knowing I’m on the right track.”

“Ah……., I’ll have to get back to you,” he told me.

Seriously? I’ll bet this guy never gets the punch line of a joke. Several hours later he called me back, and said that it wasn’t a misprint this time, and that any small hammer would do. This might be one reason why I never became an engineer. These guys are way too serious for me. Lighten up dudes… geez.

“If you find any other mistakes in our books, would you send what you find to us in writing for evaluation. We are working hard to keep these problems from arising… so it would be very helpful if you could do that for us. Thanks for your cooperation,” he said.

Do ya get the feeling this guy doesn’t want me to call them anymore… hmmm, I wonder why? Maybe I’ve given them a little more incentive to recheck their work a little more. These days, I haven’t seen as many mistakes. I suppose with spell check and a few careful proof reads it’s less likely to have these kinds of mistakes again.

I guess in some respects, it’s a good way of avoiding phone calls from smart ass mechanics like myself.

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors…

You’re home, kicking back on the couch watching your favorite TV show when a commercial comes on. It’s one of those ads for some new pill on the market. The announcer asks if you suffer from the aliment they’re describing, and then tells you about this great new medication that will set things straight. Of course, it’s soon followed by all the apparent side effects associated with this new drug. A lot of times, the part about the side effects takes longer to describe than the benefits of this new wonder pill. Eventually, the commercial ends the same way they all do, “Ask your doctor about . . .”

Let’s say you’re one of those hypochondriacs and you head to the doctor because you believe you’ve got “it”, whatever “it” is that was described in the commercial. The doctor performs a few tests and maybe a little blood work only to find out there’s nothing wrong with you. But, being the hypochondriac that you are, you demandingly tell your doctor that in fact you are ailing from whatever was described in this TV ad and, you know exactly what new modern pill will fix you right up. The doctor on the other hand, sends your psychotic self on your merry way, washes his hands of the whole thing, and probably refers you to someone in the Sigmund Freud side of the medical biz. (Not before he gives you your bill of course.)

Don’t you think your doctor already knows about this new drug? If not, I’m sure it wouldn’t take much for the doctor to do some research and find out all there is to know. And, don’t you think it would be wise to follow the advice of your doctor rather than some announcer on a TV commercial?

Sometimes I feel the same way when somebody comes into the lobby and starts explaining to me their perceived failure of their personal car. I give them my advice on the matter, which usually goes in one ear and out the other. I’m just a mechanic you know, and not a highly trained professional. (A little sarcasm there…probably would have done better if I was the announcer.) But, what if automotive commercials were portrayed in the same manner as these new drugs on TV?

You know, instead of the trash talking commercials telling consumers how their shops are better than every other type of automotive shop in town, or those parts stores that sell everything from A to Z and offer a life time warranty. Let’s be honest people! Ok, ya gotta a cheaper product, I’ll give you that. But, throw a disclaimer in there with that 60 seconds. Let’s talk about the effects of putting a cheap part on a car. And, seriously… let’s talk about the qualifications of these grease rack nut busters.

Rather than telling everyone all the virtues of your warranties and how friendly your counter people are, let’s focus on those side effects from taking the cheaper route. How about informing the public of what happens when you use the wrong viscosity oils and not that all your mechanics can leap tall buildings and swing through trees. (I took a poll… 4 out of 5 mechanics can’t leap tall buildings, nor swing through trees.)

It’s no wonder automotive repair ranks up there with the most dreaded and/or distrusting ventures the average consumer wants to be involved with. They hear all this talk about maintenance, maintenance, maintenance, but find out that if they accidentally skipped an oil change once or twice their car hasn’t exploded or fallen apart… (Yet). It’s hard for an unknowing consumer to trust a mechanic when some goof ball announcer is on the TV telling them something entirely different than their mechanic. Inevitably, maintenance is put on hold, or it’s completely forgotten about. When the car does break down (which it will) it generally leads to some heated exchanges about the extensive repair costs and/or the car being traded in for the next maintenance ignored family truckster.

My advice to those people who put these automotive commercials together, instead of taking up 60 seconds of air time trying to tell me how much better you are how about informing the consumer of the side effects, tell them about cheap parts, and poor maintenance. And, one more thing, all mechanics and all repair shops are not the same. Unless you’re comparing apples to apples, there are no comparisons to be made. When a shop that specializes in let’s say tires, puts an ad together on late night TV or on the radio saying they are a full service shop, and we (the mechanics who have been in the business for years) know all too well that particular shop doesn’t have the technicians to cover their claim. Where’s the disclaimer there? I suppose that’s freedom of speech, a 1^st amendment kind of thing. Maybe so, but the side effects means a trip to a reputable shop to fix it correctly. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to diagnose a car for a shop like I’m describing, or do the actual repair for them.

Maybe I’m being a bit of a hypochondriac about the health of the family car. Or maybe I’m just trying to look out for my customers and warn them before they get caught up in all the hype they see or hear. I can’t say all these ads are bad, they’re not. But, with a few bucks you can create your own slick ad campaign, and the actual quality of the parts or shop can be over shadowed by some catchy slogan or song, which gives that false impression of excellence to the consumer. In the end who’s left to deal with the side effects? The consumer of course.

It’s “buyer beware” out there. Seems selling cheap parts and bragging about your abilities isn’t a crime, while advertising some new drug and not telling the consumer it can cause heart attacks and hearing loss (in some cases)… is. I guess it’s not important to know those cheap brake pads that the discount lube shop put on are going to fail at 75 mph and quite possibly send you into oncoming traffic. (Your results may vary)

Anymore, I just roll my eyeballs when one of these automotive commercials comes on late night television, and I’ll bet a doctor does the same thing when one of those drug ads comes on. But, at least for the doctor’s sake, the manufacturers have to state all the side effects in the commercial. But for the speeding projectile we call the family car… you’re on your own. Those side effects are only noticed after that customer wants to go cheap and not follow their professional’s advice. It’s a soap opera of problems out there… will it ever change? Will those brake pads fail? Can we expect better consumer awareness in the future? What’s next? You’ll have to stay tuned to find out.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Diagnostics fee or Diagnostics free

This has been an issue since day one. Should we charge

to diagnose the car or should the estimate be free. Let’s

define an estimate first.

What is an estimate?

An estimate is a list of all the parts and labor involved

in making a repair. With the possibilities of adding

supplements to the original estimate if other work is

deemed necessary after the initial work has started.

Ok that’s an estimate, or is it…? Let’s try this again.

What is an estimate?

It’s a guess……. With the chance that I might get it right

but more than likely the final bill will be different than what was original “estimated” at.

Hmm, the two definitions are different but at the same time mean the same thing… What about the diagnostic side? Ok, how about that… that diagnostic thing.

What is a diagnostic?

It is the process in which a technician is able to determine the cause or failure of a piece of equipment, vehicle, or appliance.

Did ya get that? … One more time …

What is a diagnostic?

It is the process used to determine the root cause of a given mechanical or electrical problem that has become an issue with a vehicle, appliance or piece of equipment.

Sounds the same doesn’t it…. hmm, maybe we are getting to the real issue… MONEY

The diagnostics may take some time, may even require a few sophisticated scanners, wiring diagrams, and tools. Time is money as we all know, of course, knowledge, expertise and experience is a commodity that should always be respected no matter what field you are in. A service charge for such “diagnostics” is essential in the continuing financial stability of a shop or for that matter… any service oriented business.

Once the diagnostics has been completed an “estimate” can then be given to the customer for their approval. This should also be noted that if a “diagnostics” is preformed and the problem turns out to be “intermittent” or none exciting a fee still applies. The time has already been spent to figure out that there was nothing wrong. That brings up another touchy issue. For some reason the customer feels cheated if you charge for nothing found… now wait a minute, how was it determined that nothing was wrong… ah…the diagnostics lead to that result. Then the problem isn’t the problem anymore, it’s the time spent looking for the problem that is the problem. To ease the customer’s woes you could always give them a time table for future re-evaluations. (30 days is a good round number) Note; It wouldn’t be the first time I have diagnosed a car for a customer only to find out that their complaint is from lack of understanding of their vehicle or dare I say… their just another fruit basket behind the wheel.

Now I’m not in favor of a free diagnostics (if you couldn’t tell already) and I’m not too fond of the free estimate. If there is any “man hours” that are part of any job a “man” wants paid. If that “man” is working on a commission basis, I can assure you that he is going to rush through the “estimate” in order to get to the real money end of the job.

However a diagnostic is a totally different thing, I don’t think I could have made a living without charging for the time it takes to figure out some of the strange problems I’ve encountered over the years. Some things were easy to diagnose, some took hours. But I believe it’s the standardization of a diagnostic charge that would make things a lot easier for the customers to understand the complexities of today’s problem evaluations.

If a tech couldn’t figure out a problem in a reasonable length of time … say an hour… then it’s quite possible the shop is going to be losing money if they kept him on that job. The next best thing would be to move him off that job. Put another tech on who might be able to figure out the problem in a reasonable amount of time. Of course, the shop is already behind the 8 ball, since the first tech didn’t get the job done, but in the long run… it will get done, there will be an estimate for the customer explaining the repairs needed.

I don’t know which is more of a problem, the shops out there not willing to charge for estimating… Oops I mean diagnostic time… or the customer who doesn’t feel that it’s a necessary part of the process. Then again, these are not yesterday’s cars.

It’s about time there were some standards that everyone in the industry had to go by, be it from the independent side or the dealer side. Regulation or self imposed limits as to how much can be charged across the board for various levels of diagnostics. Not to say diagnosing a bad ball joint is easier than a battery drain, no, not at all. Each field in the industry would have to come up with a balanced set of standards that those involved could agree was a fair price for that type of service. If all the independent shops charge the same fees in a demographic area it would lead to a more even playing field for the customer. Maybe, we should think about using a different term rather than “independent”… we can be independent in ownership, style, quality, etc… but put the customer’s concerns up front. If I wasn’t in the business and didn’t know where to take my car I would really would like to know that I’m getting quality work done at a fair price at any shop I went to. If there was a way to put an end to the “I can get it done cheaper down the street” escapades… my drive home would be a whole lot more pleasant than in the past. .

If that didn’t happen it then only comes down to a question of where to have the vehicle repaired at. Everyone has their favorite doctor, dentist, or restaurant. Which is probably based on location, atmosphere, or “ya just like that particular place”. Price is always an issue, and probably always will be. If you’re not getting the job done right at the shop of your choice… choose another one. How many times a day does your phone ring because you have some “price shopper” who is never coming to your shop because your price is higher than the last shop they called… even though they were referred by a friend to call you.

Maybe we should focus on better instructional classes, more information, and true manufacturer level scanners available to the independent side of the business. Sometimes too much effort is put on the “Be nice to the customer”, or the preverbal “Customer is always right” routine. The old saying; “If the customer knew what was wrong they would have fixed it themselves” still holds true today. But I’m talking about telling them what’s wrong with the vehicle, not how to fix it. With the advent of the computer age upon us the car has become a rolling updateable, flash reprogramming software jungle of information. The cost of these specialized scanners puts them out of the range of most consumers, and a lot of small shops, which, in some ways, also places the shade tree mechanic on the endangered species list.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the same line from a customer’s after I have diagnosed a problem. “Well, I could have done that myself, I would have looked there for the problem if I had the time, and I don’t know why you’re charging me for something so simple. You should give a break on the price because it was so simple. “Hey, I’m a regular customer I should be getting a discount.” My usual answer is… “So if you knew what was wrong, why did you bring it to me to figure it out?” And, I’m not sure that other professional people you deal with such as a doctor, dentist, or the grocer…etc… is going to give you a discount just because you shop with them on a regular basis.

Common sense, the largest lacking component in all of these situations… In my opinion, once common sense is removed from the conversation “stupid” takes its place. I wonder if I could estimate how many times this has happened… maybe so… but I better think about diagnosing it first…

Ratchet With a Cause

At home I tinkered around with hand-me down lawnmower engines which my brother and I turned into go-carts and other two wheeled death machines. As we got older it was car engines and rickety old thrown away car frames that we hobbled together into some sort of demonic fire breathing exhaust snarling farm vehicle. I guess you could say we were a bit rebellious and often got in trouble taking our latest creation down some of the dirt roads in the area. Spewing dirt and gravel at the nearby houses as we swung the machine sideways around the curves.

The neighbors would hear us zoom by and usually would be standing by the side of the road waiting for us when we made our return trip. It inevitably meant a good old fashion verbal chew out from the concerned neighbor, and of course the eventual encounter with dad later that day. Ya had to stop for them, because everybody knew everybody and if you didnt stop and apologies youd have hell to pay later. We were just kids horsing around, and I know they were just looking out for us. And, Ive got to admit, looking back on it now, its a wonder some of our contraptions didnt kill us both back then.

When I was in my teens there werent any electronics or computers to speak of. The big college down town had one, and on certain occasions we would take a field trip from school to go see it. It was huge, it filled several rooms with these enormous electronic tape to tape machines. I wasnt at all interested in computers; I was much more interested in sports and cars. Besides, you didnt need a computer to work on cars; all ya needed was a manual and a couple of wrenches. Working with tools was a natural thing for me. Its no wonder Im a professional mechanic these days. However, the road from slapping a couple of rusty parts onto an old dilapidated engine and welding some old broken frame back together is a long way from calling yourself a mechanic. A real mechanic that is.

Starting out like I did was no picnic either. My first real exposure to mechanics was at our small towns garage. It still had a dirt floor and only one lift but it was a great little place to learn a few things. I was more or less the shops walking grease gun. Anything that involved cleaning gunked up parts, or an engine that needed degreased, or greasy junked parts that needed to be carried off, I was the go to grease monkey. My first actual mechanic job that I was given was hand packing wheel bearings. (More grease of course.)

This old timer that had been there probably since the days of the horse and buggies called me over to his work bay. The first thing he did was hand me the grease bucket, (which I was very familiar with) and then told me to take a big scoop of it in one hand. Then he reached out and plopped a new bearing into that glob of grease. He cursed out, Now, squeeze the f&%()7 life out of her! Squish went the grease. I squeezed so hard that it oozed out between my fingers and landed on the floor. (Ill get that later.)

He had me drop the bearing into the bearing race that was already in the drum and I ran off to find a rag to wipe off my hands. (Nobody used rubber gloves back then, and to make things worse the type of grease they used stunk to high heaven too.) I didnt get far before he hollered more profanities at me and told me to get back over there. I was still trying to wipe this goo off when he reached out with another bearing. Get some more of the blankity blank grease in your hand there sonny!

He was a very knowledge mechanic but he had some weird ways of telling you things that were important, such as, You use the right tools for the right job. You gotta use the tool the right way. Screw drivers aint pry bars. You use a ratchet with a cause. I think he meant to say was that when you used a tool it had a purpose and the purpose was to use the tool correctly. Never forgot that to this day. Every time I had a chance Id lean over the hood and watch what he was doing. He was eager to show me a thing or two, and I was eager to learn.

Generators were still very common on the road in those days, and he taught me how to use a growler and how to adjust the voltage regulators along with a whole lot of other useful tips. I learned a lot from him, and I still use a lot of his quirky sayings of wisdom in understanding things in todays cars too. The old guy took his job serious, and he definitely made me aware of what it took to become a good mechanic. He eventually retired after 40 + years as a mechanic. Great guy, great teacher.

Thats the thing about this field, my career that is. Theres more to it than the cars. Its something that gets in ya, its something that inspires you to deal with all the changes, the new procedures, and of course those computers that I didnt want anything to do with back then. Im not sure whether its the problem solving side of this job or the mechanical side of it that is more intriguing to me. Maybe its both. Maybe its the people you meet, the things you encounter, or a combination of all of it. Even after three decades of repairing cars and solving problems I still dont get tired of it.

One of these days Ill retire too, Ill program my last PCM and change my last water pump knowing its my time to put my ratchets away. Ya cant do it forever you know, and when I do Ill probably lock my tool box up and look back at it all with a smile.

But, Im sure even then somebody will come to the door wanting me to work on their car, maybe even to pack some wheel bearings for them. Ill probably get a bucket of grease and tell them to reach in and pull a big glob of that stuff out while I toss a fresh bearing in their hand, and Ill probably retell the story of how I learned to pack them. And, just for good measure I might as well tell them why theres such a thing as a ratchet with a cause.

Got Talent?

There’s something to be said about having the skills needed to be a modern day mechanic. A true mechanic and not some guy just turning wrenches in a bone yard or playing around in his home garage. The skill of a talented mechanic is something that is accumulated over years of bending over a hood, but it also can be taught by a skilled teacher at a tech school, too. However, all the years of experience and all the training in the world can make you a pretty good mechanic, but you need one other thing, and that’s talent.

Red Skelton once said to his young protégé, “Talent is something you’re born with. Even if you are standing behind a brick wall, your talent will come through.” That protégé was none other than Johnny Carson, the King of late night television for 30 years. The same thing applies to the art of being a proficient, modern mechanic. Just like in any other field you can go into, you have to be able to take the knowledge you’ve inhaled from school or OJT and be able to apply it to the work you’re doing.

Some very talented people work in this field, and it’s not hard to tell who they are. Repair shops all over the country are looking for mechanics, and there seems to be a never ending shortage of them, but what those employers are really looking for is talent. Talent, isn’t necessarily something that can be taught, it’s something that comes natural. You can gain the talent if you don’t already have it, but it may take quite some time to develop those skills. Advanced classes help, OJT helps, and a whole lot of afterhours dedication doesn’t hurt either. As the old saying goes, “A good mechanic is never out of work.” Very true, however that old saying should actually be stated as, “A talented mechanic is never out of work.”

Everyone has some sort of talent, some sort of skill that separates them from the pack. For some, it’s an odd ball skill that gets them “15 minutes” of fame on the local news, while others have something they can turn into a career. Singing, for example has always been considered a “talent”, that’s a fair assessment of a trained singer’s abilities. But I think singing is more of a gift and ability combined.

Most people who can carry a tune are either born with it or find out in later life they have the talent for it. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of somebody suddenly developing that perfect soprano voice by accident. Even though I can’t sing a note, I still blare out my favorite song in the shower, but I know I don’t have the talent for it. If you’ve got what it takes to become a singer and you’re going to go to a prestigious school to develop those skills, chances are you’ve already got the singing voice. It’s not like you’re going to “learn” how to begin to sing when you’re there, you already can. The school just brings out the qualities of your talent. As for me, it would be a waste of time, it’s not my talent.

For the mechanic, there’s no doubt a natural ability is something a lot of talented mechanics carry with them, and their abilities are only enhanced with continual schooling. But, there are a lot of guys and gals who love cars and things mechanical and want to work in the field as a mechanic, but lack the ability to actually perform the job. This is so evident with a lot of weekend wrenchers who attempt to repair their own cars at home. It could be from a lack of a few basic skills, or a lack of mechanical abilities… or it could be they don’t have the talent for it either.

I hear it all the time from people who come into the shop to have their car repaired after they’ve spent countless hours swapping parts and pondering over a repair manual. They all say the same thing, “I do all of my own work.” Well, I seriously doubt they could actually do “all” their own work. More likely they’ve managed to change a few spark plugs or something. I’ve been at this trade for several decades and I can assure you I can’t do it all, and I don’t see how some weekend nut spinner with zero training in today’s cars could possibly be able to do it all either.

Sure, if you are one of those people who have two left feet, I’m sure in time you could learn to dance, and if you’re one of those people who can’t remember, “Righty tighty – lefty loosey” you can acquire the needed skills to become a top notch mechanic, too. But, there’s something to be said when a person finds the trade or skill they have their own natural ability in and their talent shines through. Ask most any tech college teacher and they’ll tell you the same thing, “Not all the students in here will make it to graduation.” Nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just that “talent” part of it is exposed in the early stages of becoming a full-fledged mechanic. You either got it, or ya gotta learn it, or you may never get it. Then again, it might a good thing you found out early that this trade isn’t cut out for you, and looking into a different career might be your best options.

Even though this trade still has a lot of heavy lifting, lots of grease and grime, and way too many scrapes and bruises to count it’s also one that the fair sex is taking notice. There’s some real talent in a lot of the gals I know in the trade. I find it rather amusing that nearly all the gals I personally know who are mechanics don’t have a problem asking for help when they get stuck on a problem or need a bit of extra muscle. But, the guys, well… I guess there’s a bit of that machoism about it that makes a few of them a little less likely to ask for help. I’m positive that in the future even more women will be in the trade, and I think that’s a step in the right direction to bring more respect to this trade as well.

If you’ve been in the trade for some time, male or female I’m sure you can spot a talented mechanic when you’ve talked to them for a bit, and I’m sure you can also spot some socket jockey trying to impress you with their past conquests rather than actual talent. I know I can. I always refer back to the old saying, “It don’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”

It is a trade that needs more talented people in it. The cars are getting more and more complicated, and merely changing a couple of parts doesn’t make you a mechanic any more than me a singer because I sing a cappella style in the shower. The question is… got talent?

Dealing with the DIY’r

I find it harder and harder to deal with some of these DIY’rs anymore. It’s not that there are more of them or that I’m getting older and find I have less tolerance of their half-wit ideas, it’s more of the way they go about things these days. I still get calls from somebody wanting me to test some component off the car, but with the ever changing technology there are very few parts that can be tested that way anymore.

It used to be nothing to take your ignition module or alternator down to the local parts store and have it tested although, that’s not the case these days. I don’t know of any parts store still testing ECM’s or doing in house programming either. But, there are a lot of DIY’rs under the impression that swapping parts is the best method of repair. The time when there were only a few parts controlling various systems and they weren’t very expensive has faded into the history books.

Although, I can sympathize with the DIY’rs plight as far as trying to save a buck on car repairs, the level of expertise in doing so has changed dramatically. I’ve heard comments from a few, that the “Cash for Clunkers” program caused some issues in the repair business. As far as I see it, yes it did, and as for the DIY’r it most certainly did too. Most of these home garage tinkerers learn through experience and since many of that era’s cars have already gone to the scrap yard there’s less chance of understanding the complexity of the next generation of cars. It’s like a complete decade of technology was skipped over. Now, the advancement in technology is light years ahead of them, but their repair procedures are still (for the most part) a few decades behind.

I had a call just the other day from a guy who asked if I could check his coil off the car because he didn’t want to buy a new one and then find out it wasn’t the problem. He definitely was your typical, “Swap parts until I get it” kind of guy. However, some of these newer coils can run well over a hundred dollars for a replacement and merely swapping one out isn’t as easy as it used to be. I tried my best to get him to bring the car in but, he wasn’t going to pay somebody to tell him what was wrong with the car because he was capable of fixing it himself. He was determined to fix it even though his only options were to change parts he was familiar with from years of tinkering under the hood. (Not a good diagnostic strategy at all.)

Then there are the “macho” DIY phone calls that refuse to talk to a girl. Now really, in this day and age? Talking to a girl about car stuff upsets you? I for one, know a lot of gals out there that could wipe you off the map with the knowledge and expertise they have about cars. My daughter for example, she has worked around the shop for so many years that she can diagnose most problems just by what the customer is telling her. The other day she had one of those typical, “I want to talk to a mechanic” calls. She answered with her usual response, “Yes, and what can I do for you?”

Of course, the caller kept insisting on talking to a “mechanic”, but we all know what he really wanted was to talk to a man and not some girl on the phone. My daughter, (A chip off the same stubborn block) kept up her side of the conversation with, “Yes you are, and so what do ya need bud?” Finally, out of frustration he relented and spilled his dilemma to a girl. It went something like this. “I was changing out my blower motor because it didn’t work. You know what a blower motor is right?”

“Yes,” she answered sarcastically.

“Well, I changed it and it still doesn’t work. I think I dropped a dowel pin through my schematic and that’s why it doesn’t work. Can you fix that?” (I am not kidding… that’s what he said.)

I don’t care if you’re a guy or a gal, but if you have any common sense at all you’d know something wasn’t right with this phone call. My daughter did her best to keep her composer and told the guy his best bet of getting things solved was to bring the car in. Which, of course, he wasn’t about to do, because he could fix it his macho self.

But, that’s just the tip of the iceberg as to what some these DIY’rs will ask. A lot of times they will call and tell you that they have already done all the research and know it’s “just a wire” or “it’s just a ground problem” and then ask how much to fix it. As if anyone could give an estimate for “just a wire” without knowing the where or what the problem is or if their research is even correct. But, it happens every day. If they do show up, you’ll know which ones they are. There the ones that leave their wiring diagram or manual on the passenger seat opened to the appropriate page, or they already have the car torn apart for you. You know, so it’s “easier” for the mechanic.

A little advice to the DIY’rs… don’t help, and when the service writer asks you, “What’s wrong with the car?” don’t answer with “Well, I changed this, and changed that”… etc. etc. You’re lucky the service writer doesn’t come back with a sarcastic reply like; “So, you’re telling me that what is wrong with the car is that… you worked on it?!” Seriously, just tell them what’s wrong, not what you’ve done. If they ask you, “Did you do anything?” That’s when you can tell them all about your weekend adventures back and forth to the parts store.

It’s a fact of life that we all tend to try and repair things ourselves. The DIY’rs that are successful, I tip my hat to you. But the ones that fails miserably, and says, “Since I can’t fix it, it’s beyond fixing by anybody. I’m just better off to selling the car.” They are the ones that twist my wrenches. Today’s cars are not the kind of commodity that can be just randomly torn apart in the home garage anymore. It really has become a professional field that should be left to the professionals.

DIY’rs, ya gotta love em’. They’re the best and worst customer’s for the professional mechanic.

Abbreviations

One of the techs came into the office some time ago to explain some crazy readings he was getting after hooking up to the DLC with the NGS. As he was explaining the problem, a very inquisitive customer was sitting at the counter waiting for an LOF. The mechanic and I discussed the test results and worked out a way to narrow down the problem even farther. The whole time the customer was intently listening to every word of the conversation about MAF’s, TPS’s, MAP’s, ACT’s, PCM’s, and CTS’s. Nothing out of the ordinary for two CMT’s to discuss, but it did get a bit on the “techy” side.

When the tech went back out to the service bay to tackle the problem the customer asked me, “Were you guys talking about a car? I swear I didn’t understand a word you were saying. Sounded like some foreign language to me.”

I guess it would sound like a foreign language to someone who didn’t understand the abbreviations and terms we were using to describe the various sensors and components. These days the whole world is full of abbreviations, acronyms, and slang words that weren’t part of our culture in years past. Growing up, about the only people who talked in abbreviations a lot were the police, the military, and doctors. Now, it’s everywhere. Abbreviations have crept into every facet of modern life. We seem to thrive on chopping up words and phrases into short staccato blips of the English language. For me, it’s especially noticeable in the various automotive components and procedures I deal with every day.

Prior to the time when computers entered into the automotive world there were just a handful of shortened phrases or abbreviations I can recall that were common place in the automotive world, such as SS for “Super Sport”, or the name of a car was an acronym for something else. Like the 442 (Four on the floor, Four barrel, Dual exhaust). For the most part, a starter was called a starter, and an alternator was called an alternator. (Generator for you really old guys.) There were no abbreviations needed. But, now with all these various sensors and components in today’s cars, abbreviated phrases and acronyms have become a part of the modern mechanic’s vocabulary.

Some of these shortened phrases have become such a common part of our normal conversation that their non-abbreviated form sounds more out of place than their abbreviated version. Take LED’s for example, who calls them “Light Emitting Diodes” these days? In fact, since LED is capitalized you probably read it as L-E-D and I doubt very seriously anyone said “led” by mistake. Pretty amazing, isn’t? There are a few abbreviations that haven’t quite taken on a life of their own like the LED’s have and still have a few variations to them. TPMS – TPS, or the SEL – CEL, or the ALDL - DLC are a few that come to mind. Even though the terms are understood, there is no “universally” accepted abbreviation for them. Sometimes it really comes down to which manufacturer you’re dealing with as far as which abbreviation is appropriate.

These days it’s not hard to have a complete conversation with nothing more than a few abbreviations. It truly has become a language all to its own. Before texting and smart phones, writing a letter with these cryptic abbreviations just wasn’t the norm. “LOL” for example, wasn’t a word back then, and now, it’s so common place that it’s not only understood by everyone it’s also in the dictionary. Good old “Ma-Bell” still works, but having that smart phone in your pocket sure changes the concept of personal communication. There’s no doubt, the computer has changed our world forever.

Something I’ve noticed is that a lot of my younger generation customers use the internet and texting as a great way to set up appointments or discuss their car problems with me. I do get an occasional one from the older crowd too, but those emails and texts I don’t have to sort through a lot of those abbreviated text gibberish to figure out what they wanted to tell me.

Some of these “text savvy texter’s” they leave me scratching my head as to what they mean. Automotive abbreviations, now that I understand, but some of these text messages, well… let’s just say I’m a bit lost for words. Here’s one that came in the other day.

“2morrow I’m sending my car 2 U. My car is 7K, AFAIK it’s the pwr strng pump, but IDK 4sure. My BF told my GF that you would know how to fix it. I will drop the keys off 2night. JIC it costs a bunch PCM or TMB with an estimate and LMK what you find. 10X L8R.”

And I thought car abbreviations were getting out of hand. It took me a while to figure this one out, but I eventually did. So, I answered with what I thought was an “age appropriate” response.

“XLNT, CID, TTYL”

Cars are complicated enough; now communicating with the customer is getting complicated, too. All this new abbreviated texting stuff… IDK a lot of it. But, I am slowly learning more each day. It’s my latest challenge to tackle. I’m just wondering what the next generation’s communication media going to be like… Message videos? Gifs? Holograms? Your guess is as good as mine. TIAD, TTYL8R - TTFN

Pet Peeves 2

Pet peeves, how many are there? Well, enough of them that one article wouldn’t hold them all. I have received so many emails, texts, and phone calls about it that I thought; Why not put everyone’s pet peeve into a another article and give credit where credit is due. You know, to the guys and gals that not only read these stories, but live and work through these pet peeves as well. So here we go, in no particular order “Pet Peeves 2”

Butch, Pittsburgh, Pa. – Doing a tire rotation and the owner has no idea where they’ve tossed the wheel lock socket. It’s somewhere in the car is the closest gps location you ever get.

Jack K. - My biggest pet peeve is when the vehicle owner has to have it finished today or else, so we work extra hard to get it done putting other cars off and when we call them to pick it up they say, Oh I will get it tomorrow.

Mark S. Wichita, Ks – People in unrelated professions that want to tell me how to do my job. Aircraft pilots for example, find enough time to talk about their car “woes” while they are in flight. These guys all get together and trouble-shoot their cars while maintaining a constant glide path. They arrive at a diagnosis, a systematic solution including which tools to use and of course, all of this without any tests or actual knowledge of the inner workings of the systems, just what they think they can surmise as to how the system must have evolved into today’s sophisticated electronic nightmare.

Then they tell me what’s wrong, how to fix it, and just how much I should charge for it. For some reason, they get all upset when I tell them that I have no way of knowing what they have come up with is correct or not. “We know what’s wrong, can’t you go off that?” they’ll tell me. I might say, “Since you seem to know, why don’t you go ahead and fix it yourself?” I probably shouldn’t have said that, but after trying at length to explain the process to them, I figure they are going to be nothing but trouble, which is usually how things turn out with most of them. I wonder how they’d take it if a few of us got on a plane and then started making suggestions on how to fly it?

John Z. Tulsa, Ok. – People who call competitors to get a quote on a repair while they’re still in my lobby. There’s always going to be somebody cheaper, always. There’s no balancing act between fair pricing and quality work, it is what it is. What tips the scales is people’s conception as to what it should cost and shops that don’t do their homework as to what it’s going to take to do that particular job. Someday I’d like to beat them at this game. You know, diagnose a job, then, get a quote from everybody you can think of. That way when the customer tells me, “I can get that done cheaper over there.” I can say, “Nope, done checked it out.” Not that I want to be the cheapest mind you, I just want to see them tell me that so and so is cheaper-faster-better when I’ve already checked it out or have a better idea who they are comparing me too. You know, apple to apples.

Sheri, Castle Rock, CO. Customers who come in without an appointment for things like a discounted oil change offer or some other special priced deal we’re offering at the time. While you’re trying to moving heaven and earth to get them in they start complaining about how long it's taking when in real time it’s probably only been about 90 seconds since they walked in the door. Argh!

Z. Drummer - A car brought in for diagnostics, repair and or a drive cycle verification for a state inspection....with the gas gauge on "E".

Bob B. Akron, Ohio – The gas tank is always full when the fuel pump goes bad. Oh, it wasn’t full when they noticed it wouldn’t start, oh no… they thought it was just out of gas of course. But, adding a gallon or so won’t do. Oh no, let’s squeeze every ounce of fuel into the tank that we can by bringing the level up until it runs out the filler neck.

Gary, Iowa – They tell you the hood doesn’t open easily, and there’s a trick to it. You tell them, “You mean go outside and tap on the hood once or twice and it will pop up enough to reach the safety latch?” It ain’t a trick; a lot of them do it, but to some of these aficionados of the car world they are completely shocked that I revealed their secret without the need of a demonstration.

James, Rapid City, Iowa. – Customers that neglect to tell you that the window won’t roll back up or the hood release cable has been rerouted through the front grill with a couple of nuts tied to what’s left of the cable.

Brian B. Ft. Lauderdale, Fl. It’s a giving rule, when a bolt or tool falls and makes it to the floor; it HAS to go to the exact center of the car where you can’t reach it without sliding under it. But, if it didn’t make it all the way through the maze of parts and hoses, it’s hidden in a crevice where even the beam from a flashlight can’t reach it.

Oh the stories we all could tell. What’s really amazing is it doesn’t matter what part of the country you’re in, it’s the same thing everywhere you go. At the time when all this is occurring, it may not seem all that funny to you or the customer, but when you take a moment, step back, and then take that second look, you know, it actually is pretty hilarious after all.

I enjoy the emails, keep them coming. We keep this up, I’m sure they’ll be a “Pet Peeves 3” in the making. Happy wrenchin’!

I Must Be Insane

Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. Well, I must be insane, because every morning, as I drive to the shop and unlock the doors, I’m expecting today to be different than it was the day before. I haven’t exactly had any professional evaluations as to whether or not I’ve actually lost my mind or not, but I’ve got proof I must be at least a few sockets short in the old tool box. At least I have an excuse for what I do. How else can I explain dealing with all this car stuff if I’m not just a bit touched in the head? I’ll try to explain it, or at least try to make some sense of this senseless occupation I’m in.

Unlike a lot of trades where you learn the needed skills through college or trade schools, and then spend your career refining those skills, in this field nothing ever is the same. Just as soon as you master a system it becomes obsolete with something newer. Even though in a lot of professions the tools of the trade are improved from time to time the basic “product” doesn’t change. Now, you might find some people who will disagree, but let’s face it, a brick is a brick, wood is wood, dirt is dirt, and a doctor still only has two models to deal with.

Even changing oil isn’t a simple task anymore. It’s enough to drive a first year lube tech nuts trying to remember how to reset the oil lights. There’s everything from stomping the gas pedal three times to running through an on-screen menu, while holding down two buttons, or using a scanner to clear them. I can’t think of one person out there who has memorized all the different ways to reset the various oil reminder lights on every car. But, if there is, I really feel sorry for ya, dude. You need to find a new hobby; you’re just a little touched in the head fella.

Aside from your basic open end wrench and a screwdriver, there’s all these new-fangled tools and scanners and testing equipment you’ve got to learn. That alone can make a person dislodge a few marbles just trying to keep up with that stuff. Then, there are the various situations and interactions with the parts store, the other mechanics, busted knuckles, and of course, let’s not forget about the customer. I think I’m overdue for my trip to the sanitarium.

If you put the time into this job, take advancement classes, and study the latest systems you might be referred to as “an expert”. But, even then, you’re going to run across somebody who will say to you, “I hear you’re pretty good.” Honestly, I never know how to answer that; is it an insult or a complement? Depends on their tone of voice I guess. Sometimes I feel like the old gun slinger at the bar in an old western movie, you know the scene were this young whippersnapper comes strolling in and asks the same question to the old gun slinger?

Seriously, after three decades of doing this, I’m either completely crazy, or I must be pretty good at this car repair stuff. How should I answer that question? I’ll try anyway. I keep my piece, (peace) and answer with, “Sure am. What can I do for ya?” Even though, what I’d like to say is what that old gun slinger says to the young whippersnapper, “Ya come to find out? High noon, outside, be there.”

It’s just nuts I tell you, every day there’s a new challenge to my sanity. Take used car salesmen, no really… take them. These guys can be a shop’s best customer or some of their worst. The last one was no exception to that rule. His first comment to me was, “My boss said I needed to take this car to a reputable shop.” (I’m experiencing a few uncontrollable ticks and odd eyebrow twinges right about now. I usually get them when the crazy is about to come out, and I’m going to say something stupid that I’ll regret later.) My first thought is they know of a “non-reputable” shop out there and that’s where they get their cars serviced? Makes me want to go buy a car off of their lot right now. I guess this particular problem couldn’t be solved with the “Let’s swap parts until it’s fixed” method, so they’ve resorted to actually getting it diagnosed. And, I’ll bet this repair is either going to be way out of their budget, or be so simple that no matter what I charge it’s going to be too much. (Those twitches are getting a little more noticeable now.) Get the straight jacket and the rubber room ready, I’ll be there in a bit.

It turned out to be nothing major, just a faulty charging system. The computer picked up about a zillion codes for loss of communication due to low voltage. A new alternator and a bit of reflashing took care of the entire problem. Now, I had to deal with the boss.

Time for the interrogation and badgering over everything I described about the repair. Now I have to listen to how this guy could have done the entire repair with a rubber band and a toothbrush. Ok, call me crazy; call me nuts, I must be, to listen to this balderdash. I’ve heard it all before. Seriously, trying to belittle me only makes you … be little. I’m already so close to certifiable that trying to make me feel even more nuts than I already am ain’t going to make a bit of difference.

I know I’m not alone here; the line to the funny farm after too many years under the hood is quite long. Take this story another shop owner told me, “This guy wanted me to find a leak in his car. I checked it over but I didn’t find one. I thought I was losing my mind, he said there was a leak! I had to call him and tell him I couldn’t find it.” The customer answered, “That’s what I expected you to find.” Really? Now, if somebody tells me they have a leak in their car and I look for one and I don’t find it, I’m going to look again…, and again…, and again. But when the customer tells me there was never a leak and the only reason for all this fuss was to see how honest a mechanic I am, well crazy may not completely cover this one. He’s lucky to have kept his cool and not gone postal after that one!

Whether it’s because of the different cars, the different tools, or the different people at the counter, my sanity is always questionable. So, until I get checked out by the shrink, I’m going to go with the insanity plea as to why I’ve stayed at this trade for so long. Now it’s your turn to fess up. So, what’s your excuse?

Sounds, Gone but not Forgotten

As the automobile strives to become a more perfect personal transportation device, we may not have noticed the subtle changes that have occurred regarding the various sounds that emanate from our cars. There are a lot of different sounds that aren’t part of our driving experiences anymore. It seems all the focus is on all the new technologies and how much better cars have become, but we’ve overlooked some of the characteristic squeaks and squawks that made the car such a unique part of our daily commutes. And some of those sounds are not just gone, but gone forever.

Take for instance, the sound of an automotive horn. Years ago, each manufacturer had a unique sound all to their own, from a growling “grrr” sound, to the startling sound of an “Aoo-gah” horn. In today’s cars the horn tone is held to a perfect pitch; it’s practically the same tone in every car.

Not too long ago it was common place to hear the sound of a 4 barrel kicking in as somebody tromped the gas pedal to the floor. Today, all you hear is the sound of the engine speeding up because the transmission dropped to a lower gear. But, it’s not the same gut wrenching roar of a big 4 barrel carburetor opening up.

There are of course those various exhaust tones too. For the most part, those are manufactured sounds from somebody modifying the exhaust systems. People still modify the exhaust these days, although the sound isn’t anything like it used to be. Unless, we’re talking about spaghetti cars or some of the euro cars, or a few of our home grown muscle cars. They all have a different type of rumble from the tail end straight from the factory.

What about the different sounds of the starter motors? For years a lot of cars had a unique sound to their starter. A good mechanic back then could tell you exactly what kind of car it was just by the sound of the starter motor. One in particular was on Mopar products. They had a distinct whirring over spin sound just as the engine started.

Who remembers the sound of a 6 volt flat head engine cranking up? Especially the early foot operated starters. As you mashed the starter button, a slow methodic Rrr, rrr,rrr sound beckoned from the engine bay as the engine would lumbar to life. These days it’s a high torque, high spin rate starter that does its job to perfection. It’s a highlight of my day when I get the chance stomp on the starter button from one of those old cars and hear a sound from automotive history.

From the engine bay to body parts, seems everything had some peculiar rattle or noise that made them not so perfect. Even some of the door handles had a peculiar clunk to them as you would open the door, while closing the door added even more unique clicks or ‘ka-chunks’. If you listen to today’s cars, there’s hardly a difference between them anymore. They all have a perfect “click” and close with about the same sound as every other car.

Let’s not forget the column shift, the “three on the tree” with the non-synchronized first gear. They had an unmistakable grind as you slowly pulled it down into first gear, especially if you were backing out of the driveway and were in a hurry. There were even a few models that had an early form of a “key in the ignition” warning system. If you opened the driver’s door on one of these cars a loud obnoxious buzz could be heard from the engine compartment.

There are so many sounds, creaks, clanks, and pops on yesterday's cars. At the time, nobody made a big deal out of them. Like the ‘thunk’ of the heater door as you moved the cable from hot to cold, or the sound the license plate bracket made as you lowered it down to fill up the gas tank. (For those too young to remember, yes that’s right, the filler neck was behind the license plate on some cars, and they made an eerie creaking sound when you opened it.) When the designs and styles changed nobody seemed to notice those creaks and groans had disappeared as well. It’s a shame in a way; I kind of liked all those little nuances.

Who remembers the sound of the tail gate chains thrashing against the bed of the truck as you went over bumps? I do. And you know, I don’t remember anybody ever complaining about the paint getting scraped off because of it either. There’s the sound of sliding across a bucket seat covered in vinyl and the sound of a hood or trunk spring when you opened it. Where did all these sounds go?

Most of those old sounds we associated with our cars have been replaced with soft, quiet, and non-intrusive noises. Cars are quiet now, and some are so quiet the manufacturers are actually adding sounds back into them. Nowadays, the soft ding you hear from leaving the key in the ignition is a perfect tone that doesn’t have that obnoxious buzzing like the older models. And, again, the tone is basically the same from car to car. It’s as if they’ve manufactured out the personality of the individual car.

There for a while, I thought the talking car was going to be the next big trend. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve laughed myself silly over hearing, “Your door is ajar”. I think it’s hilarious. I’m sorry, but a door is a door, and a jar is a jar. I’ve even run across one that spoke in Japanese. The message always started out with an annoying loud “Ding”, and then this soft spoken Japanese woman’s voice came on and she would repeat the message over and over. I don’t speak Japanese, but I’m pretty sure it was something about a door… being … a jar. It could get mind numbing if you’re working on the car with the door open. Soon, you’d start to believe a door was a jar after all.

Maybe we just want things too perfect anymore. Could it be we are taking ourselves too seriously these days? I don’t think a few rattles or the unmistakable “thud” of the glove box door when it opened to sit your drinks on it while at the drive-in was all that bad. (Come to think of it, those were about the only cup holders back then too!) I guess it’s just the way things are these days. We live in a time when a squeaky seat spring isn’t acceptable.

A lot of these old sounds have gone into the history books and will never return to the automotive world. For me, those sounds may be long gone, but they’re definitely not forgotten. Sounds like perfection is what the manufacturers are striving for, conformative, acceptable, and quiet cars. Maybe what we really need these days is a few squeaks or clunks to remind us … everything doesn’t need to be perfect after all.

Where There’s a Spark

Fires, one of the last things anybody working on a car ever wants to deal with. Statically speaking, you can’t avoid it. Considering the nature of the auto repair business with numerous chemicals, some highly volatile and explosive, the odds are it’s going to happen sooner or later. Sometimes it’s just a quick little poof of a flame, while other times it’s an all-out assault with the fire extinguishers. All you need is a source of ignition and up she goes! Engines in general, are nothing more than a controlled fire and explosion, and sometimes that fire or explosion doesn’t stay where it’s supposed to.

Over my years of working on cars I’ve had my share of them, some through pure stupidity and others totally by accident. And, if anybody who works on cars tells you they’ve never had one go up in flames (even a little bit) is 100% fooling themselves or is a complete liar. It happens to the best of us.

Back when carburetors were the norm a backfire almost certainly shoot a huge flame up in the air. Once in a while the oil in those old oil bath air filters became a rather convenient furnace for the latest back fire. Gasoline spills, oil leaks, and just about any other type of chemical concoction can become a ball of flames in no time at all. Of course, ya can’t leave out the ‘electrical fire’ either, but calling a fire an ‘electrical fire’ doesn’t sit well with me. Electricity is only the spark to ignite it. If there are no combustibles nearby, electricity on its own can’t erupt into a ball of flames.

But, you hear it all the time, “Oh, they had an ‘electrical’ fire.” So, if it’s Ok to call a fire an electrical fire, then I guess it’s OK to call one of those movie scenes where the guy shoots at a pool of gasoline leaking out of a huge tanker which subsequently explodes --- a ‘gun’ fire? Hardly, I believe in that case it would be called a ‘chemical’ fire. But, when electricity is involved… it’s an ‘electrical’ fire. Go figure. Unless, they are merely referring to an electrical spark as the catalyst, well then, ya got me there.

Many years ago I had a 280z that came in and the owner said he couldn’t get it started. Nothing else, no ten thousand word explanation of the problem, or when he bought it, or what parts he’s changed, or what his friend who’s a mechanic told him was wrong with it, just that it wouldn’t start. Later that day I made my way out to the parking lot to check it out. I turned the key, cranked the engine, and WHOOF! Flames shot out from every corner of the hood. I made a beeline for the fire extinguisher, got the hood open … and doused the flames with the whole can. Come to find out the owner had pulled the fuel lines off of the injectors and had the coil wire disconnected. Nice…thanks for the heads up, fella. Needless to say, it was one of many occasions that I needed to refill the extinguishers.

Another time a customer called and told me his pickup would only run for about ten minutes and then would barely idle. If he shut it off and waited another ten minutes it would start back up again. He said he was going to try and make it to the shop that afternoon. It was getting late and I was looking forward to going home, but this guy had called several times telling me to wait for him and that he was still going to make it. So I said I’d stick around. It was dark by the time he finally arrived at the shop. We were busy filling out the paperwork when the parking lot lit up like a large candle. His truck turned out to be the candle. I grabbed two extinguishers for this one, and ran outside to find the guy standing next to his truck waving his hat at it. Yea, like that’s going to help. It took both extinguishers to put this blaze out. There was a whole lot more work that needed done besides finding out the cause of the loss of power. It turned out to be fuel trim issues and a clogged converter that would glow as red as a cherry. The fire was caused by the truck’s fuel line that ruptured right there in front of the shop. Pretty scary stuff when I found out how close it was to going off like a bomb.

What’s even more startling is when you don’t even know there’s a fire. You’re working under the dash and the next thing you know one of the other guys in the shop is filling the engine bay with CO2. That’ll get your attention. Then, of course, there’s the car that’s delivered to the shop and the owner tells you, “It had a little fire.” Sure, just a little fire. The CO2 is an inch thick everywhere you look. Anything plastic has melted into an oozing pile of blackened gunk. All the rubber hoses are charred beyond recognition, and the wiring is one huge clump of twisted copper and melted plastic. I often wonder what some people consider a ‘large’ fire after I’ve seen these so called little fires.

Just this week I had one up on the lift looking for a major oil leak. The oil was dripping off of the frame from the front to the back of the car. I had just got the car in and left the engine running while I took a quick look. (Which I’ve done hundreds of times before.) This time, I wasn’t so lucky. As I shined my flashlight up into the engine bay there was a loud boom, and a huge ball of fire engulfed the entire area. Luckily, I had enough sense to have extinguishers mounted on every lift and it was out before any damage occurred. It did give me a quick haircut and a few singed eyebrows though. When you can smell burnt hair… you know you’re too close! Wow, that was hot, and so sudden and unexpected too!

You hear about entire shops burning down all the time after a car caught fire in a service bay. It’s something I don’t want to experience, and for that matter any other repair shop. That’s why I don’t hesitate a second when those guys come around to service all my fire extinguishers each year. It pays to have as many as you can. The fire extinguisher companies have recommendations for what kinds of extinguishers you should have and how many based on the size of the shop. I tell them… double it. I don’t have a whole lot of hair left these days, and I’d like to keep what I got. Seriously, I don’t need any more of those flame cuts, my barber does a pretty good job on his own.

Accidents will happen; cars will have back fires, electrical issues, hot components, and leak combustible fluids. Just be sure you’re ready to handle the emergency when it happens. Cause ya know… where there’s a spark…..

Not Your Ordinary Commute to Work

It’s 26 degrees outside, the wind is howling, and I’m off to work in my old truck. The same truck I’ve owned for over 30 years, the same one that I drive nearly every day. It’s about a 35 mile commute from my country home to the bustling city where my repair shop is located. It’s not a bad drive, mostly main highway. A bit of it is through some heavily wooded areas where deer have a tendency to dart out, and I have to pass through a small sleepy town on my way to a large dam I have to cross just a few miles from my house. Then, I come to the main highway that heads straight into the city with no stop lights for miles.

I take the same route with the same posted speeds and battle the same crazy drivers every day. There’s the makeup lady, the cell phone talkers, and of course the kamikaze daredevils. I still don’t get it why some people feel it’s necessary to drive like it’s the Indianapolis 500 this early in the morning. You know, weaving through traffic, jamming on their brakes as they approach the next car, or ride your rear bumper like they’re going to try some NASCAR sling shot maneuver and zip past you at the next opportunity. There’s always one every morning, who darts through traffic like a jack rabbit and plants their foot on the brakes at least a hundred times every mile. The wear and tear on their cars has got to be tremendous. Can you imagine what those brake pads look like? Let alone what kind of condition those rotors are in? And, you know… sooner or later one of these speed demons is going to mess up and cause an accident. Today was one of those days.

Traffic was backed up for about 5 miles by the time I was gathered up in it. Nobody was going anywhere, and I was content to wait with the rest of the traffic while we slowly inched our way further down the road. The traffic report came on the radio announcing the accidents in the area. Sure enough, I was smack-dab in the middle of the whole thing. There were three separate accidents reported, and they were all less than a mile apart. (No fatalities, thank goodness) All the exit ramps were jammed with people trying to find alternative routes, so I decided to just sit this one out right here on the main highway and wait with the rest of the traffic. This was definitely going to be a long…long commute today.

As I inched past the third mangled wreckage scene, I was commenting to myself about how the steam plumes were so much thicker than at the last two mishaps. That’s when I realized it wasn’t the mangled cars that were smoking… it was me! I better pay attention to the gauges. She’s as hot as a firecracker, the temp gauge was all the way in the red. Apparently, I was so engrossed in the traffic and accidents that I didn’t notice my heater had gone cold too! In an instant most of the water and coolant shot out of the radiator cap and the overflow. If I don’t get onto the shoulder soon, I’m likely to be the next accident reported on the radio. Ok, on goes the turn signal, head for the side of the road, shut er’ down, and turn on the hazards.

By now I was just past the last accident, but not that far away from it. Every commuter with a gas pedal had it buried to the floor trying to make up for lost time as they gunned it back up to highway speeds, while I negotiated the shoulder of the road. People were flying by me as if I was standing still, oh, that’s right… I was still, still spewing steam in the air as I sat there. My little truck rocked back and forth as every car flew by. It was quite some time before I got a chance to take a quick look under the hood. When I did, I wasn’t surprised at what I found. The fan clutch had given up. Needless to say, if the traffic would have kept moving I would have never known there was a problem. Now my problem was… I need a tow truck. There’s no coolant in the radiator, and I’m not close enough to an exit. I’m stuck here.

I called the tow company that does the towing for my shop. Ol’ Steve got a chuckle out of this one. As he told me, “You know, we can recommend a good shop that can take care of that for you.” Yea, fine… rub it in buddy. He laughed and said he would have one of his trucks there in a few. I sat back down in the truck hoping for at least a little wind break and maybe soak up the last bit of the heat in the cab. That’s when I noticed a truck had stopped just in front of me and was slowly backing up towards my truck. It was a mechanic I know from another shop. “Did ya break down, Gonz?” I told him what had happened, and of course he laughed, laughed all the way back to his truck as he headed off to his shop. Not more than a minute or so later, another car does the same thing. It’s another mechanic from another shop who noticed it was me on the side of the road. You know, I might as well start selling tickets to the “Gonzo break down”, seems I’m a rather popular disabled vehicle or something. Because it wasn’t long before a half a dozen mechanics from different shops had all stopped to see what I was up.

You know, it’s one thing to be known in your area by other mechanics, but it’s a whole other thing when the greatest enjoyment for them is not one of my insightful stories or technical articles, but a little side of the road entertainment with coolant dripping onto to the tarmac and steam billowing from under the hood of my truck. I’m never going to live this down. By the time everyone had their chuckle, and of course a few choice photos for their facebook page the tow truck arrived. And, of course, the embarrassment continued. James (the tow driver) just kept repeating the same thing all the way to my shop, “Gonzo, Gonzo, Gonzo. Boy Oh Boy, I would have never guessed I’d be picking you up on the side of the road.”

In the thirty plus years I’ve owned this little truck, I’ve never had it on a tow truck before, and it’s never left me stranded on the side of the road, either. Well, I can’t say that any more. Yep, not your ordinary commute to work! At least everybody had a good laugh to start their morning off, even after being stuck in traffic for so long. Thanks guys… ya made my day.

Transitions

Seems with every new model that comes off the assembly line there’s something different about them. Today’s cars still transports us from one place to another just as the model T’s did in their day. However, we do it with more creature comforts and safety features than ever before. Now, it’s not so much about ‘just getting’ from point A to point B, but how ‘comfortably’ you get from A to B. There’s no doubt we’ve transitioned from mere transportation to a sophisticated computer on wheels. Innovations, technology, and changes in our concept of the modern car are all part of these transitions.

All these innovations in today’s cars mean changes for the consumer as well as the service people who keep them on the road. Long gone are the road maps that dad could never figure out how to fold. Now, you press a button, speak to the GPS system, and it talks back to you and tells you the best route to your destination. Even for the mechanic innovations and technology have transitioned all those stacks of repair manuals into one click of the mouse. But, these transitions into ‘newer and better’ bring on their own set of growing pains that both the customer and the technician have to deal with.

Take for instance, headlights. I’ve changed enough headlights in my years of service work to light a path to the moon and back. For years it was a simple task of taking out a couple of screws from the chrome trim around the headlight, and then disconnecting the three prong connector. Oh sure, there were a few that you had to take off another cover, maybe a flip up headlamp door, or you might go through the inner fender, but for the most part, it wasn’t all that difficult.

Nowadays, many of the new models have to have the entire front of the car disassembled in order to get to the bolts that secure the headlamp assembly. Of course, putting it back into place ain’t no picnic either. To say the least, it’s been quite a transition from the old way of doing things.

Not only do today’s mechanics have to learn new repair procedures and diagnostics, but the customer has to transition from thinking these somewhat simple repairs are not as quick and easy as they used to be. Some people are utterly shocked at the cost of changing out a headlight these days, not to mention if those headlights are the HID style. (Boy… that’ll make ya want to transition back to the older sealed beams in a hurry.)

This can be a big issue at the repair shop. Some people are unaware of what it takes to do certain basic tasks, and are only basing what it should cost on previous cars they’ve owned. On one occasion I got a call to verify the labor time for replacing a headlight on a 2008 Chevy Malibu. Seems, another shop mistakenly quoted a price based on what they “thought” it was going to take. Then, after opening the hood they found out there was no access to the bulb. I looked it up and gave the customer the bad news. Needless to say, the customer wasn’t at all happy.

None of this is anything new in the automotive industry though. Transitioning from one way of doing things to another has been going on since the wheel was invented. It comes down to this: Engineers design and create these new “state of the art” models, consumers buy them, and mechanics make the repairs. Usually, the consumer doesn’t find out how expensive or difficult some of these repairs are until they have a problem.

Engines, transmissions, interiors, coolant systems, brakes, steering, and every other part of the car, are all in somewhat of a state of transition to a newer design or process. Nothing remains the same, and the sad part about a lot of these changes… they change the cost of the repair. Expensive spark plugs, multiple coils tangled amongst fuel lines and wiring, internal water pumps, and starter motors buried inside the engine. They all do the same thing the older components accomplished but, aren’t always as easy to replace or repair.

The professional mechanic is in a tough spot. They have to understand these systems as well as know how to service them. The consumer on the other hand, might be a bit confused as to why replacing their air conditioner components requires reflashing the computer, or why a headgasket replacement involves taking the entire body off the frame. It’s just another one of these transitions that needs to be confronted.

For most consumers the transition into these ‘new’ designs and technology are far more recognizable in their wallets than what they see as ‘different’ in the appearance or operation of their new car. The mechanic on the other hand, probably is well aware of these transitions. He might come up to the customer with a somber look on their face after he has diagnosed a faulty evaporator core that he knows is going to take all day to change out. He’s already aware of how much work is involved, the customer may not. When the customer finds out they’ll probably have the same somber look on their face but for different reasons.

Even with all these changes the real truth of the matter is… it’s the same old issues, “Give em’ what they want, and don’t worry so much about how it will get fixed… the mechanics will take care of it.” If you want to blame somebody for all of these transitions… try blaming the designers and engineers, blame government regulations, and quite possibly the consumer too! Mainly, for demanding all those bells and whistles in today’s cars and then buying them. Don't blame the mechanic! It’s the reality of the fast paced modern world we live in, it’s transitioning every day. Although, it really is the same old world out there, just different at the same time.

A quote I heard years ago says it all, “Change transitions into more change.” How true that is, and for the mechanic… it’s never the same ever again.

Where’d The Electricity Go?

A while back a guy came in with a blower motor issue. Well, OK, the blower motor failed. But, this guy wanted a more in-depth explanation for its demise rather than the usual, “The motor has worn out.” kind of explanation. So, I proceeded to tell him how the brushes on the armature have worn down, and quite possibly the armature itself has worn down to a point that electric current can’t pass through the windings of the motor.

I thought that was a pretty good description of ‘your blower motor has worn out, sir.’ as I’ve ever heard. Apparently not, and he had his reason too! His primary concern was, “Where’d the electricity go?”

“Go?” I exclaimed, “It didn’t go anywhere. Your blower motor is just worn out. The electric is still there.” That bit of information fell on deaf ears. His understanding of direct current was that it flowed like water, and since the blower wasn’t working the electricity should be spewing out all over the floor of his car. Even though he had no idea what electricity was, and he proved that by asking, “So what does electricity look like? I’ve never actually seen the stuff.” (Me neither for that matter.)

I guess I wasn’t exactly following his line of thought, I took a guess and asked,” So, what is it that you’d like me to explain? Electricity?”

“Yes,” he answered. However, this guy wanted an answer that was the equivalent to a NASA rocket scientist’s explanation. OK, I’ll give it a try. I’m no rocket scientist but I might be able to hum a few bars.

My explanation began with lightning bolts, and how static electricity worked, then onto the atom and how they have the same number of electrons and protons. Then when an atom loses a few electrons it becomes charged. This in a sense is the basis of the formation of electricity. My dissertation was equivalent to a college professor’s lecture on the subject. But, apparently this guy fell asleep during the class and didn’t understand a word I said. I was either boring him with such details, or I wasn’t even close to what this guy really wanted me to tell him. Confused and bewildered he only had one comment on the whole thing. “It was working just fine yesterday, and today it won’t even come on.” (Like I haven’t heard that one before.) I don’t know where to begin or where to end at this point.

I guess some people expect some sort of warning when an electrical motor or system fails. Sometimes it does, but a lot of times it just stops working. Maybe this guy wanted a bit more of a drastic warning system. Maybe a little red warning flag that pops out of the glove box, waves at ya, and then writes a note on the instrument panel. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think! Look, the thing ain’t working, it needs a new one, and NO…, electricity can’t condense into a puddle on the floor! What more do ya want?!???

“Is it anything like steam then?” he asked. “Is what like steam?” I asked. “Electricity,” he then scolding tells me, as if I forgot what subject we were on. “Well, yes it is and no it isn’t,” I answered, “You can’t really see true steam and you can’t really see electricity, but they are both energy sources that have great potential.” That led to a discussion about the white smoke coming out of a steam engine and how that must be same thing as the smoke that comes out of an electric motor when it burns up. Sure, sure, it’s the steam and/or the electricity escaping. Whatever… let’s just move on from all this smoke stuff.

This guy still didn’t understand why the electric wasn’t spilling out. I pointed to the wall socket and told him that you don’t see anything falling on the floor there do ya? Oh, he had answer for that one. “That’s AC current, he said proudly, as if he knew what he was taking about, “It switches back and forth from positive and negative. Since it does that it never has a chance to fall out because there’s an equal push and pull of the two different polarities.” I can see where this discussion is heading. Somewhere between Crazyville and Lunatic City and I’m stuck in a taxi with the guy who knows everything about anything.

“So, what you’re saying is that DC current should be falling out somewhere?” I asked sarcastically. Oh sure, ask an idiotic question like that, when I’m supposed to be the smart guy to a guy who thinks AC current is held in the wall socket because of an equilateral force between positive and negative. Why don’t I just hang a sign around my neck that says, “Tell me anything, I’ll believe it!” Hang on; he’s working on a thought provoking answer. I suppose he just has to think this through a minute and get it into an illogical format that fits the rest of his story.

He stands there pondering for a minute, changes his stance and rubs his chin for a bit, then… he gives his final solution to this perplexing problem. “DC current isn’t all that strong. That’s why it’s used in cars, ya know. AC is way too powerful for them. Besides, they haven’t found a way to keep an extension cord dangling out of a car that won’t get all tangled up while you’re driving,” he proudly deduced.

All-righty-then… … … … I’ll just leave this discussion right here. I can’t top that one, nor, do I even want to try. I’ll just replace this guy’s blower motor and send him on his way.

He left the shop with a beaming smile. The kind of smile that someone usually has after they’ve won some sort of debating contest. He says to me as he walks out the door, “I just taught you something you didn’t know.” With that, my day is now complete. I’m so glad he stopped by. I couldn’t have made it another day without his wonderful explanation of electricity.

I guess everyone has their own theories but this one topped them all. Just to be on the safe side, I’m going to make sure all the batteries on the display racks have those little red and black protectors on the terminals. Wouldn’t want any of it leaking out, you know.

The ATM

A bunch of the higher ups at a corporate owned big city dealership were looking at their end of the year numbers and were trying to figure out where they could save a few bucks. It wasn’t hard to find the largest expense in their operation. It was the mechanics salary. Now all they had to do was figure out a way to keep more of the gross profits in their pockets instead of spending it on those grease covered employees down in the service bays.

It was up to the R&D department to come up with a concept and get back to the higher ups. They talked to a guy fixing his own car out in the parking lot. They asked around at the nearby discount auto parts center. They even discussed how they could provide repair services at all hours of the day and night without having to hire a single mechanic. As for the diagnostic side of things, the general consensus from the DIY’rs they talked to was that if they knew what was wrong, they could fix it themselves. Their plan was sounding pretty good on paper. Funny thing though, the only people they didn’t talk to was… the actual customers and the mechanics.

They compiled their analysis, ran it through a computer simulation and came up with this conclusion. The mechanic/technician field is a highly skilled trade that requires a great deal of mechanical aptitude as well as advanced knowledge in electronics and hydraulics. As well as knowing how to use sophisticated tools and computer systems. It also requires continual training in new equipment, procedures, and even newer systems. The investment into maintaining a top notch technician is quite expensive. (All of which the higher ups wanted to avoid.)

The R&D report was sent to the higher ups. The higher ups came to the conclusion that as long as you could diagnose a problem the rest of it is just changing a part. “This car repair stuff is easy to do. Why don’t we get a computer to do all of this? It could work 24-7, what a concept!”

So the plan came down to this. Devise a way to not only diagnose a car, but be able to repair it at any time of the day or night without having to pay for any high priced mechanics. How? Simple, they invented the ATM. The “Automated Technician Machine”. A 24 hour, credit card operated, self-serve, automotive diagnostic and repair center for the DIY’r. This machine had a diagnostic hook up for the car, with complete diagrams and all the needed tools at their disposal. These service bays would be capable of dispensing the needed fluids, parts, and the tools too. It didn’t take long before the higher ups threw even more money at this project and converted all the service bays into these ‘coin-operated’ contraptions and all the ‘human’ mechanics were given ‘the’ pink slip.

For the first month or so, the higher ups were smiling from ear to ear with their pet project. Gone were all those high paid technicians in the service bays. The DIY repair mode was in full swing. But, it wasn’t long before problems started coming up. First it was a stuck ball joint that the computer couldn’t help with. Next it was an electrical problem where it advised replacing everything even though it was just a broken wire in clear view. Then, it was a broken stud that the computer couldn’t figure out, and more than once, some character got upset and didn’t understand the information provided, and took their frustration out by damaging the machine. Even though the info was as accurate as possible, there was still something missing.

The answers were the ‘by the book’ type answers and it would only work properly if the car was as it was from the factory. Any deviation from the original … any at all… and the ATM would go berserk, causing even more chaos. The problems just kept adding up.

Soon, it wasn’t only their customers that were having issues with these ATM’s, it was the city who was on their backs now. Seems, they didn’t consider the fact that they needed a license to operate vending machines in the city limits, and there were additional taxes owed to the city too. The cost of operating these ATM’s kept climbing. The higher ups started to think this wasn’t such a good idea. “We didn’t have these kinds of problems when we had mechanics!” they told each other. So, what do you think these white shirts did now? Well, they spent even more money. They hired in a bunch of other white shirts to examine the problem.

Soon, there was more money going out the door than there was coming in. After several months of research, more broken machines, more upset customers, and tons of none returned tools that had to be replaced, and cars abandoned in service bays after the owners had given up on the repairs, the evaluation team had their answers. A meeting was set up for the next afternoon in a large suite on the top floor of a huge skyscraper, miles from the chaotic scene at the dealership. The number crunchers were there, as well as the vice-presidents, the vice-vice presidents, and the executives to the vice presidents. All the white shirts were leaning back in their overstuffed office chairs waiting for the answer that would lead them to an even higher skyscraper and more dividends. The higher ups asked the team of evaluators, “We expect something worthy of your six figure fee for evaluating all of this. So, what’s your grand solution to this mess?”

They answered,

“Hire the mechanics back!”

The moral of this story;

When it comes to repairing your car, it still takes the human touch. The kind you’ll find with an experienced mechanic. Things like a stuck ball joint, a broken bolt and other problems that are associated with automotive repair are all part of the daily routine. With practice and a bit of mechanical know how, mechanics find ways of getting around the so called ‘by the book’ repairs and solve a lot of issues that can’t be solved any other way. Those higher ups are smart guys and gals, but their training in what they know isn’t acquired in the same manner as the way a mechanic’s skills are. There’s a lot more to repairing something than reading a book or hooking a computer up to it. Seriously, if it was easy… anybody could do it…but it’s not as easy as it looks.

Consider this; it takes a lot of OJT to be an ATM. Oh, and I don’t mean one of those ‘Automated Technician Machines’, that acronym has a completely different meaning down here in the service bay. There are a lot of people out there who admire the skills of a good technician, who understand the complexities of this job, and are more than thankful such guys and gals are out there. As a customer or a fellow technician, you may know of one of them… one of those ATM’s that is, an “Appreciated Technician-Mechanic”.