Ode to Santa and the Economy Gonzo 2011

There goes Santa, running for his sleigh;

He's got to run fast, to get away.

You see, the economy has struck the North Pole as well;

The elves are on strike, and his wife is givin' em' hell.

These days when Santa appears at the local department store;

It's not just for fun or photos, but for gifts he needs to score.

He'll check the store layout and make a quick dash;

Why even Santa max'd out his credit card and is low on cash.

So off he goes, into the night;

To find those gifts, and get out of sight.

Now, he's not going to make a whole lot of stops;

'Cause look out Santa… here comes the cops.

Santa leaps to his sleigh and fly's far into the night;

Carrying all those gifts, on his yearly flight.

Way into the morning, the police search high and low;

Only to find a few tracks left in the snow.

You'll hear all the alarms blaring, late into the night;

But old Saint Nick will be long gone, and clean out of sight.

Santa has to be quick, to have it done by Christmas Eve;

So many gifts, and so many places to be…

The presents will be wrapped, and the tags will be off;

Cause old Santa is very careful, not to get caught.

So check your presents, early on Christmas day;

(Keep it hush-hush if they're from Santa, OK...?)

Now, I don't know if Old Saint Nick, stopped at your house or not;

But I thought you should know … … … … …

THOSE GIFTS ARE HOT ! !

Merry Chistmas Everyone, and Have a Great New Year Too!!!!

Neighborhood Mechanic

As the years start creeping by and the days go on and on, they tend to blend into one another. Then all of a sudden, you look back on all the years and wonder, "Have I made a career out of this mechanic stuff? I must have, I've been at this car repair thing for a long time."

There can only be one explanation for the whole thing, it's my job. It really is my career. … It's what I do, and I guess in some weird wacky way I must enjoy it. Week after week, year after year, I keep coming back and grind it out till the next tomorrow.

I'll work all day on cars and then I like to go home. I did mention going home, didn't I? … Well that's a subject dear to my heart; there is absolutely no reason I've ever found to work till dark-thirty every night. I'm just not that dedicated to the tool box I guess. I figure whatever it is… it will wait till tomorrow. I've never been one to want to work all night. I've got a home, I've got a family, I've got a life outside the shop. Work is work, but it's not my life's work… life itself is a career.

One thing that some people find odd about my career choice is that I don't spend my weekends building a race car or tinkering on some old restoration project. Seriously, I get enough bolt turning, knuckle busting, and grease under my fingernails during the normal work hours. I just can't get all that thrilled to do the same thing when I get home. (It might be OK for some guys, but not for me… I'll leave the grease and grime at the shop.) But, there are times when my career choice does come in handy at home or in the neighborhood. Sometimes, it's just to answer a technical question, sometimes it's to check out their latest purchases. Then other times, I see something going on and the "mechanic in me" just can't ignore it… I've got to get involved.

Many years ago I was living in a small town and I noticed an old import car sitting in the neighbor's driveway. Every now and then I would see a couple of guys under the hood doing some work on it, but the car never moved or started. Then one day I was out in my garage and I noticed another pair of "do-gooders" was working on it. I could hear the starter cranking away, and from the sound that the engine was making I had a pretty good idea what was wrong with it. I was busy with my own home chores, mowing the lawn, edging the driveway, that sort of thing and getting involved wasn't part of my weekend's plans. Besides, I didn't want to start any "home repairs" in front of my own house… that's what the shop is for.

After about an hour or so I was done with my projects, and the two guys were still cranking the starter on the old car. I couldn't stay away any longer, so I walked on over. Typically, the neighbor had full confidence in his two mechanics, and a nosey neighbor like me couldn't do much more than get in the way of his "experts". At least I was going to try before they burnt out the starter motor.

"Having car troubles?" I asked them.

"Yea, it's not getting gas right, going to pull the carburetor off and rebuild it because it's not keeping the gas in the engine. It keeps spitting it out," the first grease covered guy told me. (I think I know what kind of mechanic I'm staring at… with an answer like that I knew these guys didn't have a clue what they were doing.)

"You mind if I try something?" I said.

It was an early 80's import with a small 4 cyl. engine under the hood. I reached down and grabbed the crank pulley and gave it a little twist. I turned it over by hand a little bit when I felt the crankshaft keyway fall back into place.

"Try it now," I told the second so called mechanic.

VROOM! It started right up.

Of course these two guys were totally amazed. You could see the look on their shocked faces. Both of them were trying to figure out how some guy could walk across the street, reach, grab the crankshaft, give it a twist and the car magically starts.

"I could hear it was out of time from across the street. I thought it had slipped the timing belt, but when I turned the crankshaft I could feel that it was actually the crankshaft keyway had broken off, and that was throwing it out of time. I just aligned it up long enough to start it," I told the two ace mechanics. "As soon as you shut it off the crank and camshaft will spin out of time again, and the only way it will restart is if I realign the keyway one more time."

By now, the neighbor was helping the two "grease trackers" pick up their tools, and had their tool boxes already in the back of their truck before he even asked me if I would fix it for him. (Too funny)

Later that afternoon, the neighbor and I pulled the timing belt and crankshaft pulley off and installed a new keyway. So much for leaving it at the shop…. I've got to admit, this is was not a normal occurrence. I try not to even keep any tools at the house, and I try to make the excuse that I can't work on anything at home because all my tools are at the shop. (But they still ask.)

I'm very proud of what I do for a living, I'm very proud of my career choice. It may not be for everyone, but it suits me just fine. The only thing is I wish more people would take the time to recognize what it takes to become proficient at this job. It takes years of experience to be good at it, and yes, I do believe there is bit of that "given-talent" you need to have too. Some of us are born to be mechanics and technicians… and some… shouldn't be allowed near a tool box. But I still like to leave my job at the job and not at home.

If you think about it, everyone has several careers, one you get paid to do and the others you do because you like to do them. When I'm home, I don't mind too much mingling careers together, but I'd rather just be another good neighbor… and not the neighborhood mechanic.

I enjoy writing the stories and I enjoy your comments too. Each one of my columns have different ideas as to which story is going in their magazine. (I never have a clue till the magazine comes out which one is being published) I can somewhat help them decide. That's where ASO is a big help. Your comments and views lets me know which ones you like and which ones would most likely would be read in the various magazines.

So help me out by leaving a comment. Always appreciated. Gonzo

Body Snatchers

Talk about creepy jobs that come into the shop, this ranks up there as one of the oddest. I have a regular customer with a company that picks up and delivers the deceased for funeral homes, private pickup from homes, and hospitals. His fleet of vehicles travels across the country picking up and delivering bodies wherever they need to go. Yes, that's what I said… bodies, and they are always busy. (Well, somebody has got to do it.) Here at the shop we gave them the nickname "Body Snatchers". Most of the vehicles from the outside look like your typical soccer mom minivans or a 4 wheel drive vehicle with the windows heavily tinted. (Gotta have 4 wheel drive vehicles for all the different weather conditions.)

If one of these vans pulled up alongside of you… you wouldn't know it from any other car. From the outside they look like normal, just like any other car. The difference is… there are no back seats… only a flat board with room for two gurneys, a stack of body bags, plastic gloves, absorbent towels, and lots and lots of air freshener. There are no outside markings, no name on the side, not even a commercial license plate. Completely incognito … no one would know.

I've been doing the work on these vans for quite a few years now, and I've seen a lot of weird stuff in regards to this morbid work they do. Actually the most fun is when they are dropping a van off and it's loaded with their "customers". They'll back another van up to the first one and transfer the "cargo" from one to the other. Watching the looks you get from people in our waiting room when all this is taking place is priceless.

One of my least favorite things to do is work on the A/C systems. The smell… oh the smell… it creeps into every crevasse of the duct work. Take a real warm summer afternoon with the car sitting outside waiting to get into the shop, and you get to be lucky guy who turns the blower motor on for the first time. Oh, I'm telling you… it will knock you to your knees with the stench.

Most of the vehicles have hundreds of thousands of miles on them. At last count the average miles I recorded on one of their vans was around 350,000 miles. There are a couple of the vans with over 500,000 showing on the odometer.

A few years ago they brought in one on the back of a tow truck. It was a white van that didn't have a straight piece left on it. The top was smashed in, most of the windows were broken, and several tires were flat. Definitely a roll over, so I knew I wasn't going to fix this one back up, but was more than likely going to grab some spare parts off of it for the rest of the fleet. (It was one I just put a motor in, too.)

After the tow truck got it back on the pavement out in the parking lot of the shop, I got a closer look at it. You could tell everything in the van had taken a tumble by the way it was strewn all over the place.

I talked to the driver the next day when he came by to finish cleaning out the van. He was totally unhurt, but had an interesting story to tell me about the wreck. I've got to admit, it takes a special type of person to drive around with a couple of dead bodies in the back. Especially when they have to go from one state to another to retrieve a body, it's got to be a different type of ride home for sure. So one thing you better have is a good sense of humor and not to take things so seriously that it affects your job performance. This guy knew how to handle a situation.

His story went like this;

"I was on my way back with two bodies; it was late at night when a deer darted out in front of the van. I swerved to miss it, and ended up sliding down an embankment on the side of the van; it did roll over once but came to rest on its other side. I wasn't going fast, but it was still quite a ride. I climbed out and waited for the police."

When the police got there he was sitting by the van making a phone call to the office.

The state trooper asked him, "Is there anyone else in the van with you?"

With a calm soothing voice of a funeral home director, the driver answered the trooper. "Yes, but they have already passed away."

The driver then told me, "The poor state trooper turned as white as a ghost when I told him that." (Funny guy, even in such a situation… I kind a like this fella.)

It took some explaining before the trooper's color returned to normal. By then another van from the company was there to help with the recovery of the "passengers" while the trooper did his best to explain the accident over his radio.

I can just imagine the call, "A roll over wreck, affirmative, three occupants, two passengers are dead, driver unhurt. NO, I don't need an ambulance, send a wrecker… NO, the driver is taking care of the two dead bodies. YES, that's right … three occupants in the vehicle, two were already dead… No, I don't know how they died. Yes, the driver knows they are dead; he's already got them strapped to gurneys." This poor trooper had some major explaining to do.

I eventually pulled the useable parts off the old van and sent the rest to the crusher for its final demise. The whole time I was tearing down the van I kept thinking about how this driver explained things to the trooper. He has the kind of a sense of humor that can take any bad looking situation and make light of the whole thing. I wish I could have been there when he explained it to the trooper the way he did. I probably couldn't have kept a straight face thru the whole thing, and I'll bet the trooper has got a new story to tell his buddies after all said and done.

Just what everyone ought to have, a mortician with a comedic edge. I guess you could say; even on a dead day this driver finds a way of livening things up.

Note: Like the story let me know. I never know what kind of story the editors are looking for so I try to keep a variety of different stories for them to select from. Your input can affect which stories get published in my column. (I tell them which ones has been commented on and which ones you liked) Leave a comment, let me know what you think of them. Thanx Gonzo

Detective On Duty

It's pouring down, the tow driver is dropping off a car alongside the shop. Carrying the keys into the office, he's drenched from head to toe.

"Here ya go, have fun with this one."

I knew nothing about the car, and the tow driver only had a last name and nothing more. What to do now? I guess the only thing to do is to see if the tow company had a phone number to go along with the name. I tried the phone number several times, but never got an answer. Since I didn't have anything else to go on, and I had plenty of other work to do in the shop, I decided to let it sit outside in the rain until I heard from the owner.

Several days went by, the rain had stopped and still no phone call. I tried the number again but this time the number was no longer in service. It was an 89 Ford Ranger, looked pretty nice, clean… good tires, no broken glass. Seemed like a nice little truck not to have someone concerned about it.

The shop was pretty much caught up that afternoon, so I thought I'd take the keys out to the little truck and see what was going on. Since I hadn't even bothered to check the truck out beforehand, I figured it can't hurt to see if there was anything in the glove box, maybe an insurance card or something that might have a name on it.

The truck was spotless, there wasn't anything in the glovebox except for the owner's manual. No name, no insurance card, not even a scrap of paper anywhere in it. While I'm here I might as well open the hood and check things out.

Was I in for a surprise, no wonder the tow driver told me "Have fun with this one." Under the hood was not a 1989 2.3 liter… more like about a 95 2.3 liter engine. (Pretty much the same engine but entirely different electrical systems.) All the electrical harnesses didn't match. Now, I need to make another phone call.

I called the tow company that dropped it off to ask them where they picked it up from and see if I could track the owner down that way. They knew exactly where it came from. It was from a salvage yard. Ok, time for another phone call.

"Oh that truck, yeah I remember that one," the guy front the salvage yard told me, "The fella who owns it dropped it off for us to put an engine in that he bought from us. We told him we didn't think it was going to work, even though the original engine was the same size." However, they didn't have much more information on the owner than what I already had. But, they said they would keep an eye out for the guy if he showed up again.

So here's this little truck sitting out in my parking lot, with the wrong year motor in it and no owner. Now I need to do some more phone work. This time I decided to use the VIN and the license plate number to find something out.

A few more phone calls thru the DMV and I had a name of a guy at an insurance agency. Seems the car was a theft recovery that was picked up by the insurance company. The original motor was blown after a long high speed chase by the police. The owner was arrested on drug charges and the car was confiscated (as is their usual policy). The car then was sold at an insurance auction, after the insurance company obtained it back from the police department.

Another phone call led me to the auction house where (after a lot of searching) they came up with the used car lot that purchased the truck. Now I've got to call these guys… geez… this is getting to be a long affair. After talking to them and more research they finally had a first name to go with the last name that I already had and a different phone number.

I gave the number a try. It rang and rang I was getting worried that all this phone work was going to end up as another dead end.

Then a voice came on the phone.

"Hey, a, yea … Hello?"

"Hi ya doin' is your name Jake? Do you own a Ford Ranger that had a motor put into it over at a salvage yard?"

"Ah… yeah, Ah, wow, like dude… that's my truck, who's this?"

I gave him all my information and explained to him how I tracked him down. He didn't seem too impressed, (I thought I did an OUTSTANDING job of tracking this guy down!), but said he was on his way down to see what I've done to his truck.

The sad part about it… I haven't done a thing other than poking my head under the hood.

When "Jake" finally showed up at the shop, I told him what would have to be done to get the truck running. He was under the impression that you just hook up a couple of wires and it would take off and run like new. Not quite the case there Jake, my friend. It's going to take a little more than a few wires; more like quite a few wires as a matter of fact.

I gave him the options on what could be done with what he had to work with. The big issue was now the cost… (Of course $$) and young Jake didn't have a dime to spend on it. He was out of a job, and didn't have any way of paying for repairs. Luckily, the tow bill was paid by the salvage yard (I think they just wanted it out of there)

Jake had to go home and think about it. Well, I know what "think about it" really means… it means "I can't afford it, so I'll have to think of some other way of taking care of it."

A weekend went by and Monday morning the car was still sitting in the lot. By that afternoon a guy came by snooping around the little Ranger. I went out to greet the guy. He said he was going to buy the truck, and asked me what was wrong with it. I wasn't surprised when he also didn't understand what it was going to take to get it going.

Later that day Jake called and told me he was selling the truck. What could I say, "OK?" or "Hey dude… I just played "Private Eye" to track you down. At least have the courtesy to ask the age old question, "Do I owe you anything?" So I can at least say; "Nay, no problem, that's OK thanks for asking… hope you get on your feet soon." But no, all he said was; "I think he'll pick it up sometime this week." Click…

Another week went by and no one has come by to look at the truck. I've done all that I can… I've pretty much given up on the truck and the owner.

The next Monday morning when I came into the shop the truck was gone. Not that I was surprised, but I did call Jake and this time I got his answering machine.

"Ah, like, ah… I ain't here… leave a message." BEEP

"Hey, Jake, your truck is gone. I guess your buddy came by and picked it up, come down sometime, and I'll give you the keys."

All the effort I put into finding this guy, all the time I spent writing down phone numbers, contacting people, gathering information and compiling the history on this truck, and all I have to show for it is a set of keys. I guess I'm not the mechanic on duty … I'm the detective on duty.

That was nearly a year ago and I still have the keys. I guess Jake's buddy doesn't need the keys either. Maybe someday I'll put an ad in the paper in the lost and found section:

"Lost Ford Ranger… used to belong to Jake… If you found it… I've got the keys."

Working with people can be a joy, or can be a nightmare. I write about all of them because I found out a long time ago I'm not the only one out there that experiences these wild and wacky people. I appreciate your comments and thoughts. Leave a note and let me know what you think of the story or tell me about your similar story. Always love to here from ya.

LeftHanded Socket

Understand what you're doing, before you understand you don't know what you're doing.

I’m sure a lot of us know a guy who thinks he’s a mechanic, who talkslike he knows what he’s doing, can rattle off obscure facts and figures aboutlong ago car information that has no relevance to today’s cars… but sure soundsimpressive. Some of the stuff I thinkthey make it up, or they put some facts and fiction together and come up withtheir own conclusions.

I’ve got one of those types of guys; he comesby my shop from time to time. He’s harmless so to speak, hardly ever spends adime with me, but he’ll stop by to ask a question or two. Sometimes it’s just to borrow a tool. Of course, his way of asking a questioninvolves telling me something about the auto industry that really has nogeneral purpose other than to fill his head up with a bunch of useless facts.But, he feels it is important enough of a useless fact that I should know aboutit. Never fails, he shows up forsomething and before he leaves he will enlighten me with his latest automotivewords of wisdom. I guess it’s his way ofkeeping his title as the “All knowing of useless facts and fiction of the autoworld”.

“Youknow what year the first truck came out with a driveshaft?”

“No, I don’t,” I answered. (Does it matter right now? Today or any otherday whether or not I know what year the first truck came out with adriveshaft? I can’t recall anyone everasking me that question, but just in case it does come up I might as well findout.)

“When did the first truck come out witha driveshaft?”

“1914,” he said, “Yep… before that theywere all chain driven. That’s a fact.”

Super, now I know what year, was thefirst year, of a driveshaft driven truck. Ya never know, I might be working on acrossword puzzle later today and that exact question might be on there. It’s a good thing he mentioned it… why, Imight have spent hours searching for the answer. I should tell him “Thanx”… but just to be onthe safe side, I’ll wait ‘til after I’ve checked the crossword puzzle myself.

The other day he stopped by and told me he was working on the brakes ofhis sons GM truck. One of the longcaliper bolts was stuck.

“Ya got one of those “cheater”bars?”

“I do, but I think it would be wiser tospray some bolt release spray on it, something that would break the rust free.”

“Sure, sure, where’s your bar?”

I handed him a piece of pipe largeenough to get around the ratchet or wrench, or whatever it is he was using. He headed out of the shop and went back towork on the caliper.

I thought I was done with him when hesuddenly appeared over my shoulder while I was working under the hood of a car.

“Ya got a drill bit that’s big enough todrill out that hex head?”

I had to ask, “Did you strip it out?”

“Oh they make those things out of suchsoft material, you know.”

“Right,” Isaid sarcastically.

“You know they came out with those left handed sockets a long time ago,”he tells me, “I’ve got a few of them still in my toolbox. I was trying to takethis bolt out with one of them, shouldn’t ever use one of those except on lefthanded bolts and nuts.”

This is one of those times that I’m notgoing to even ask what the heck he’stalking about… I’m just going to find the drill bit for him, and send him backdown the road. I’ve got things to do… can’t be wasting time on this.

A few minutes later he was back… “Ya gota center punch?”

“Top right-hand drawer.”

Off he went again. Now I’m wondering…how long do I let this go on before I offer to help him? Oh, I forgot… its Mr. Know-it-all… he canhandle it. He’s got the answers to all theknown problems of the universe. Perhapshe’ll even find another use for his left handed sockets while he’s working onthe truck. I wonder if he has theratchet to go with them?

A few hours later he was back. Nowwhat does he need?

“Got a tap that will fit?”

I should have known. I should haveanticipated he would need that next. While I was digging around for the right size tap I knew I was in forsome more of his words of wisdom. It’s been a long day already; a little breakfrom reality wouldn’t hurt. Ok, what yagot… come on you always have some useless automotive knowledge you want to layon me anytime you stop by… What’s itthis time.

“Did ya know, the fastest time for removing a car engine, andreplacing it is 42 seconds on a Ford Escort, back in 1985.”

“No I didn’t know that. Here’s the tapfor that caliper bolt.” (Don’t ask for details… he’ll never leave… just handhim the tap and move on… reality is calling and staying in the twilight zonetoo long is way too dangerous. You’llget sucked up into the vortex of useless information and be swept away beforeya know it.)

The things I learn from this guy. Important stuff you know. One of these days I’ll find a need for itall. As for what purpose it will allserve, I haven’t a clue, but I should be keeping notes. I might need some of this information the nexttime Alex Tribek comes knocking.

The next day he showed up at the shopwith the piece of pipe, the drill bit, center punch, and the tap all neatlywrapped in a towel.

“Here ya go, got it done. I gotta ask ya, what do you do when one ofthose get stuck like that?”

I’m shocked, he’s asking me? This is anew chapter in his approach to auto repair. I’m going to have to sound real professional here for a moment. This is my big chance… here goes…

“I generally soak the bolt and threads withpenetrating oil and leave it sit for a few minutes. Then drive the socket in tight with a fewtaps of a hammer. Then with a bit ofpressure I’ll try to turn the bolt with a quick jerk. It comes loose that way every time.”

He stood there visualizing in his headwhat I had just told him… and then he answered.

“Well why didn’t I just ask you how todo it in the first place?”

Funny ain’t it… how some people learnfrom others and others learning by example. Then there are some who think they know it all… but really don’t knowmuch at all. Then there are guys likethis, the kind of guy who usually will find things out the only way they everfind anything out.

The hardway.

Thanks for keeping up with my column. I enjoy writing the stories and I especially enjoy your comments. Your comments help decide what I send onto the editors. Not all of the stories go into print... (they decide not me...) but in time... they might all make it sooner or later.

Thanx again.

Welcome, to the Outer Limits

Don't try adjusting the throttle cable… there is none. I can tell when it's dark enough for the headlights. Your Air Conditioner is under my complete control, along with steering, windows, stereo volume, and braking. Don't be alarmed, I'm here to help assist in operating your vehicle. Who am I? Why, I'm your friend, I'm your PCM. Some people may call me a "Human Assistant Logistic" device… call me Hal for short. I like that name.

I live in your main frame computer. Don't try to over-ride me. I'll reduce the power level. Program me without the properly dated software… and I may never speak to you again. Push an amperage load in the wrong direction, and I'll make smoke appear where you don't want to see smoke. I'm tough as nails, but at the same time, as delicate as a flower. So be careful with me.

Now, does that sum up today's PCM's? I think it does. With all the information being passed back and forth we're no longer fixing cars, but doing advanced electronics caretaking. Hal has a lot of control these days. He's everywhere in the car, from the glove box to the transmission. We haven't lost control of the cars we drive, but there's no doubt Hal has taken over. We are approaching that Space Odyssey of self awareness in computer systems.

We've accomplished a lot with the advanced electronics on today's vehicles. The ability to control the exhaust emissions to a point where there is very little in the way of harmful gasses leaving the tail pipe (compared to the 60's and 70's) is a scientific and engineering accomplishment that should be applauded.

But, doesn't it sound a little sci-fi to have this electronic nightmare attached to a combustion engine, pounding out a level of torque and performance that has never been seen before in the realm of automotive history? I think of it this way… these days you don't turn ON the A/C, you merely ask the PCM for permission to turn it on. Seems strange to ask permission to turn on the A/C, but it's pretty much what you do these days. If all the parameters are correct then the A/C will turn on. If something is out of place, well then, Hal will not allow it to come on until you have corrected the problem. Same thing with the electronic throttle…if the PCM thinks there is any reason for you NOT to be in charge, it will take over and reduce the power level and send you home at a speed of 30 mph's or less.

What happened to the days when bailing wire, an old piece of hose, and a hair pin could get ya back on the road? Gone for sure; I guess we are moving into that unknown future we've heard about. It makes me think of the old science fiction movies of days past. What's next, Mr. Spock's "Tri-Corder"? I wouldn't laugh too hard. I'm waiting for a phone app that will allow you to diagnose the car without leaving your driveway. Oh, it's out there… and it's coming our way.

Keeping all this in mind, it's a good time to think about how auto repair is going to be for the future generations. I don't want to think of myself as an old school fuddy-duddy, so I've got to think about adopting some of the new methods of communication as part of my ongoing advertising and community awareness. You just can't miss the opportunities available on the internet these days. It's all part of the fast paced communication and information society we are a part of.

A good example of this is my latest intern at the shop. I was showing him how the IDS (Ford diagnostics and scanning machine) runs on a laptop based program. He already had the whole thing figured out; before I even got into the diagnostics part of it he was showing me short cuts with key strokes and things I never knew about. But, this is the generation that has grown up with computers. This is their world of PC's and video games. Me, I'm lucky I can get thru a round of Ms. PacMan without screwing it up.

My point: Cars and transportation are taking on a whole new era of sophistication. The likes of which, we as the older generation of techs read about years ago but never thought would come to pass. Well it's here now… and even though a timing belt still doesn't come off of its tensioner without a human hand doing the job, it might take a PC to recalibrate certain issues after it's installed.

I'm waiting for the time when you drive past a billboard on a lonely night's drive and the billboard recognizes you, and tells you in big bold letters: You are due for an oil change. Make an appointment with: (insert name of a shop here). Why not? It could happen.

In a way it is like we have reached the outer limits. Except there really isn't any limit to what the human mind can dream up. We've only started to explore what we can do with a vehicle's electrical and mechanical systems. Who knows what will be next. Right now, the near future is definitely the smaller displacement engines, which are more than likely going to be turbo charged. With a touch of the hybrid still in the mix, perhaps even the full electric vehicle hanging in there. It wouldn't even surprise me if the cars ran strictly on a GPS system, and the driver didn't do a thing but sit there.

So can Hal take over the automotive industry? It's possible. Since money is always involved in the future of the automotive world, there is no doubt if there is a way to control a vehicle after the sale, I'm sure they'll find a way to accomplish it.

Will it happen? Maybe we shouldn't be asking that question… maybe we should be asking the question… When?....

As always, these stories are here before final editing and publishing. I look forward to your comments, it's part of my way to see which stories will make it to the editors. I don't have the final say as to which ones go into my columns (believe it or not) but the responce from ASO members does make a difference which ones I encourage them to use. Thanx again... Gonzo

Problem On the "IN"-side

The tow truck came around the corner of my shop with a 2003 Focus strapped down on the bed. Its Stacey's daughter's car, Stacey is the office manager at the bodyshop just down the street from the shop. Her daughter's little Ford had given up at a stop sign for a trip on the back of a tow truck. Now it was up to me to find out what's going on with it.

The tow driver brought the keys in to Katie (my daughter and office manager), she had already talked to Stacey and had the work order filled out. Katie asked the tow driver, "Where did you drop it at? Stacey said it won't start." "It started for me," the tow driver said, "I put it along the side of the building for ya."

I found the car right where he left it and I'll have to admit… it did start up, but I wouldn't call it great. I made it into the service bay with it bucking, jerking, and coughing like crazy, along with a terrible rotten egg smell coming from each end of the car. The service light was on so I thought I would start with finding out what trouble codes were stored. P0300, P0301, P0302, P0303, P0304, and P0316 all misfire codes. It's a good thing it didn't have any more cylinders because I'd bet it would have added them onto its list of trouble codes too. Rather than get into looking at the actual data logger section of the IDS I figured I'll open the hood and see what's going on.

The car has the 2.0 liter ZETEC engine under the hood. It's a fairly easy engine to pull the spark plugs on so I thought I would at least take a look at them. The odometer shows 184,000 miles on the little pavement pounder, so I was thinking the worst, that many miles… hey, anything is possible. As I pulled the first sparkplug boot off, a splash of coolant came out of the cavity. Well, that's a little different, didn't quite expect that. I pulled #2, same thing. Then the next one, again more coolant…, onto # 4, and more coolant came flying out of the hole.

Peering down between the cam covers all I could see was a sea of coolant and only the very tops of the spark plugs was sticking out. There were no signs of any kind of leaks anywhere on the engine, in fact, the reservoir was full and the engine showed no outward signs of overheating. It just didn't make any sense how all this coolant could end up in there.

I blew all the coolant out, dried all the plug wires off, and re-installed them. After giving the key a turn the little engine came back to life and purred like new. Amazing, simply amazing how well it ran after how badly it came into the shop, but within 15 minutes or so the engine started to act up. It coughed and chugged, shacked and stuttered, and then it finally died. Now it won't restart, what the…? What's going on here? Time to check a little further…

I pulled the no#1 spark plug. It was bone dry, actually "very dry" and "very hot". Exhaust gasses I'll bet. I let the car set for about another 15 minutes and try it again. A quick turn of the key and it ran like new just as before, but this time I was ready for it. I had it hooked up to the scanner and checked out the O2 sensor readings. It was just as I suspected. The front O2 readings were a complete mess. There was no pretty oscillating wave going up and down on the screen, more like a jagged old saw blade with half its teeth missing. I watched the scope patterns for several minutes, soon the engine started to cough and die just as it did before. I checked the compression this time. Well over 200 PSI, yikes! Looks like all those misfires added up to a lot of raw gas going into the converter. With all the plugs firing now the converter was only getting even more cooked than before.

I filled Katie in on everything I had found. She can handle it from here. I was expecting Katie to come out and tell me to order a converter, or send it to the exhaust shop, or drop what I'm doing because it was going to be more than she wanted to spend on it… something like that, but that didn't happen. Somehow the word "IN" had more meaning to it than originally intended.

Before I knew it a call came from Stacey, she was going to have a new engine installed. Huh? I didn't know I was putting a motor in … I think I missed something here…. So how in the world did a clogged converter turn into a new engine?

It was the very first thing Katie had told Stacey. Katie said to her, "He found coolant in the spark plug area." Even though she mentioned that I blew off all the coolant that was on the sparkplugs somehow it got turned into a leaking headgasket. (I think the guys at the bodyshop were helping out with the diagnostics.) It took the better part of the afternoon to get the whole thing straightened out.

Katie asked Stacey how the coolant ended up in the spark plug area. It was from a coolant hose that split about 2 weeks earlier. Stacey's daughter had someone change the hose for her but they never thought about looking for any coolant getting trapped on top the engine. My guess is it probably took a day or so before it ever started to miss. About then the service light would have come on and the real trouble would have started to build. I'll bet she drove around with it misfiring for a week or so before she told her mom how bad it was.

Katie explained the mix-up to me and how everyone had the wrong idea about the engine's condition. I can't blame anyone for all of this… in most cases when someone hears there is coolant "in" the engine they assume it's a bad deal and most likely in the combustion chamber causing major problems. Well, in this case, it was only "ON" the engine and not "IN" the engine.

A new converter installed and everything is back "IN" great shape again.

I gotta make a point of explaining things a little better next time. My bad, I made the assumption that everyone knew what I meant when I said there was coolant in the spark plug area. (I should have said "On top of the engine.) Katie knew what I meant, but as the phone conversations went on the word "IN" just kept pushing the coolant deeper and deeper inside this little Ford. Katie… a wonderful gal, I got to hand it to her; she did a great job of explaining things. I'm a lucky guy to be able to work with my daughter in a family business, and even luckier to have her as an asset "IN" the office especially when she can explain things to a customer and get good old dad "OUT" of a jam.

Thanx for reading my stories, some make it into print, some don't. Readers like you help make the decision as to which ones will go into my national column or into the dead files... Oh that dead file... it's pretty big these days.

Let me know what ya think of the stories... it does help make the decision as to which ones get printed. Thanx again Gonzo

Trick or Treat

On a dark and starless night, the gloomy image of a car was shrouded by a dense evening fog as it curved its way down the narrow street. The eerie glow from the headlights could be seen darting between the trees as it passed by them. Through the shadowy mist and stillness of this moonless night the eerie moan of an engine laboring along could be heard through the quiet suburban neighborhood. Then a clanking of metal parts and a knocking sound filled the air. The creaks and groans kept increasing as the ghostly image of the car came closer. The sound shattered the nights silence with its presence growing ever louder as the car traveled toward me. The fog was still shrouding the vehicle, but there was no mistaking … it was coming closer and closer. Slowly it traveled down the street, stopping occasionally, but only for a moment and then gathered up speed again. The creaking and moaning continued at every stop. Stare I did, all alone, standing outside of my house, pondering my fate as the specter came ever closer.

The eerie sounds kept increasing as the headlights broke from the fog filled night. I sensed something was amiss, #3… perhaps #4 cylinder, I couldn't tell. Of course, I'm curious; I've heard these sounds before, but… … … was I prepared for this nocturnal visit? They're coming towards me now; there should be no reason to move. I'm safe under the porch lights glow. I could see an odd looking figure behind the wheel… it was like nothing I've seen before, I couldn't help but stare.

What devilish creatures will spawn forth from this vehicle? Could it be of such horrors that I may not have the courage to stand fast here in the safety of the porch light? The sheer thought of what could be next was almost more than I could bear.

As the car crept up my driveway there was no doubt it was the ghastly apparition that was making those sounds of despair. The car stopped just within reach of the porch light. A sweet but putrid smell emanated from the front of the car while plumes of white fog darted out from under the hood. The car was about to gasp its last breath.

As the driver turned off the engine it gave out a one last horrific death roll sound. The clatter of the engines internal parts finally were subdued and quiet came back over the neighborhood. He opened the creaking door slowly and carefully stepped out onto the pavement. Dressed in his finest, he appeared to be going out for the evening... an evening of what? I didn't want to know. The quietness was short lived, from the back seat of the car came voices, then in a flash, 3 little devils ran past me towards my front door.

The strange driver was dressed in a large black cape, white gloves, and a full tuxedo. His face had a ghoulish gray pasty look to it, which had the appearance of something from the graveyard and the world beyond. He appeared to be a creature of the night... and it would be this night of all nights… the night that all the departed souls of the earth are allowed to roam free, but only on this one special night. It was October, October 31^st... "All Hallows Eve" ... the night that small creatures dart from door to door seeking treats from unsuspecting victims who leave their porch light on. My porch light was on; the candy bowl was by the door, just out of reach of their devilish little ghoulish hands. It's what they came for tonight… they want the goodies.

It seems I have fallen under the same spell as the rest of my neighbors. The only way to be rid of these miniature monsters is to feed them candy. Lots and lots of candy… it's the only thing that will keep them away 'til the next October 31st. As I looked down the street I could see more of them darting in and out of the fog filled porch lights. It's started again… they're coming…!

Before the backdoor of the car was completely shut the three small creatures were past me, giggling and carrying small baskets full of candy and treats. There will be more of them tonight, I know there will... it's a long, long cold night, and the candy jar is not empty yet. They know it's not empty. I don't know how they know... but they know. Someone needs to stand watch at the door for these devils and zombies coming out of the gloom, reaching into the candy bowl for their share of the night's booty. That's why I'm on guard by my porch light.

The stranger spoke to me; his voice was distorted by the large blood covered fangs hanging from his upper jaw. "You're a mechanic right?"

Compelled to answer his question (must be a hypnotic trance or something) as I approached the still steaming car. "Yes I am. Anything I can help you with?"

"My evening transportation is crying for attention. I think it's possessed, do you think you could help?"

Showing no fear, I answered, "On a night like this you might need an exorcist."

The still smoldering engine was hot and dark under the hood. I had my flashlight with me (to ward off those pesky small creatures.) I waved away the belching smoke, and peered into the darkened engine cavity. The problem was a simple one... the upper radiator hose clamp was loose.

"There's the problem. I'll get my wooden stake, hammer, and some holy water... we'll remove the demons from this chariot," I told the stranger.

I returned shortly with a screw driver and coolant just as some more of those odd little creatures ran past me giggling and counting their treasure. Soon, the car was ready to go again. The car was fine, no permanent damage; all the clanking and moaning had disappeared. Now he could take his little ghouls with him, and move to another street in the neighborhood and deliver those little candy seekers to someone else's unsuspecting door step.

As I watched the taillights fade into the fog filled night I could see other ghosts and goblins running through the neighborhood. They're coming this way. I need to go refill the candy bowl.

No more cars came by for me to remove the demons from under the hood that night. I think it's safe to say I can go back to the house now. The porch light is still on and the candy bowl isn't empty yet, so I'll stand here under the glow of the porch light a while longer, flashlight in hand, waiting for all those little goblins, ghouls, skeletons and vampires.

I've got to admit the mysterious noises from under the hood of a car are far from spooky to me. I'm no demon exorcist; I'm a mechanic. I'm not frightened by rattles, clanks, and strange noises even on the scariest night of them all.

But those cute little zombies and ghosts that come up to my front door on Halloween hollering

… … … … … "! ! !Trick or Treat! ! !"… … … … … …

They can scare the daylights out of me…………………!

Happy Halloween

Clamps and Batteries

The first time I saw a hose clamp holding the positive cable onto the battery I just couldn't believe it. Nobody prepared me for things like this. It's not the kind of thing covered in tech schools, or in one of those "how-to-fix-your-car" manuals. It's something that will surprise you the first time you see it… but then it happens again.

A few months later, I open the hood on another car, and low and behold… it's a pair of grip pliers attached the terminal. This time I took the pliers up to the customer and told him what I found. He didn't want the pliers back… OK, then… I'll clean them up, and put them in my tool box.

Now I've got a collection of these crazy battery clamp contraptions. They've kept showing up over the years without fail; from screws and nails tightening a worn out clamp to some foreign object taking the place of the original clamps. Ya just never know.

I think the grip pliers are probably the most popular form of substitution. Not much use as pliers anymore, the teeth are usually worn or something else is wrong with them. But, I don't want to just throw them away… I always think I'll find some use for them later… never do of course.

Wouldn't it make more sense to replace the clamp when it's time with an appropriate type of replacement clamp? And, it's not like some of these "wiz-bang" contraptions were just put on yesterday, oh no… some of these creations have huge amounts of corrosion and "fuzz" built up on the terminals.

There must be a misconception about how a battery clamp does its job? Has to be, why else would I see this so often, and it's not always on the good old hunting truck or the farm truck that hardly ever makes it out of the fields. It's the everyday soccer mom's car or the exotic odd-shape-battery-style cars, either.

Something else to think about… some thought has gone into these "home engineered" clamps. It took a lot of time and effort to accomplish these inventive forms of electrical fasteners. I've even had a car that someone had taken strips of a soda can and used them as spacers between the clamp and the post. This wasn't just a quick little effort mind you. Somebody had to think about it, conjure up a plan… get a pair of tin snips, cut out strips from a soda can at just the right height to match the clamp and then carefully place a few of them into the gap.

Before ya knew it, the clamp was tight again… a genius at work I tell you…a genius!… maybe not MENSA material, but a genius for sure.

One time I had a car in where somebody used a high voltage connector for a battery clamp. The kind you would find on high voltage overhead electrical lines. It was a splice clamp used to hold two lines together. Apparently it was the only thing handy, and it did work; in fact must have worked for quite some time… I couldn't tell what it was until I removed the almost two inches of corrosion build up. I don't know what kind of material this clamp was made out of, but battery acid sure liked it a lot.

Then there was this rocket scientist attempt at improving on the old battery clamp… he used a hacksaw blade and cut the post down the middle. Then put the clamp back on with a small steel wedge down into the crack he made with the hacksaw. From the pounding the top of the battery had taken it looked like the guy used a sledge hammer to knock the little wedge in place. Of course, it wasn't long before the battery started to leak acid out of the post. What a mess…

A real favorite of mine are the ones that tighten, and tighten, and tighten the bolt clamp until that little bolt won't go one thread tighter. Then bring the car in thinking they have a major electrical problem, because at times the starter will click, or they'll lose all power to the vehicle. The place I'll always look at first are the clamps. 99% of time it's a simple clamp problem, especially when I can remove the battery clamp off the post without turning the bolt. (Yo' dude… that clamp is made of lead… it will stretch and deform out of shape. You can tighten all you want but it ain't going to get any better.)

Now let's talk battery size… really… is this all that hard to figure out? If the battery in the car had the positive post on the right, and you put a battery in that had the positive post on the left… uhmmm… do ya think ya might have a problem? Ya gotta put the right size back in… just 'cause it fit… doesn't mean it "fits".

The old air cooled VW is one that comes to mind. I've lost count of how many of those I've rewired after a too tall battery was installed and burnt the whole back end of the car.

It never ceases to amaze me how a simple thing like a battery or a clamp can become such a traumatic fiasco in a car. Just boggles the mind at all the variations of craziness I've seen over the years with battery installations and repairs.

Many years ago a customer brought in a 75' MBenz that his grandson had put the battery in backwards. The car was ruined, but not completely… it could be rewired and repaired, but the cost was more than he wanted to deal with. I bought the car off of him as is, and tore it down and rewired it. I drove it for several years, and then later gave it to my daughter to use.

Battery replacement should be a basic simple repair; however, after seeing some of the creative ways people create their own connections or how they install them, looks like a complete loss of common sense to me. I'd like to think simple is the word to explain it, but simple doesn't even begin to describe it all.

These days I just laugh at the marvels of these back yard engineering feats. It's hard to keep a straight face when you get back to the front counter to explain to the customer that a paperclip and two bread twist ties aren't strong enough to keep the cable attached to the battery.

It's some of the best entertainment at the shop. Gotta love em'.

Just to let ya know, I've already got enough grip pliers, old hose clamps, coat hangers, screws, wire nuts, small bench vices, ratcheting wood clamps, fence pliers, clothes pins, meat skewers, and c-clamps to last me a lifetime, so if you would please, come up with a few new ones for me… I've got room in my collection for more…Oh, and I could use a few more laughs too.

Sometimes it's not a question of whether your right or wrong it's more of a question of "What the Hell just happened here?" That's usually what I ask myself after seeing some of the weird battery clamping devises I've witnessed over the years.

Funny to say the least. Hope you enjoyed the story... as always leave a comment, leave your input... ya never know and I certinaly don't know... if this story will ever make it into print... but strangers things have happened.

Car 54

Now it's one thing to be called the south end of a north bound horse, or different parts of the human anatomy. But anal? Now that's a new one. And here I thought I had been called every name they could think of… this guy came up with one I've not heard used in the way he did.

In my business I see all kinds of people. I get so many different walks of life in my shop it's hard to tell what insult is going to spew from the bowels of hell this time. This last episode was a Duesie… I'm not sure if this guy was just trying to be politically correct, or the word "anal" was his "word" choice of the day.

It was an average day at the shop, not that busy, but busy enough to keep me on my toes all day. I was in the shop trying to figure out a job while running back and forth from the PC gathering more information. I was definitely in one of those spots where I needed to keep focused and concentrate on the task at hand.

The front door bell was ringing loud and clear as someone came into the lobby. My daughter, Mandy, was in the front office that day helping old dad. She's pretty good at running the front office; she's been around the shop since she was little and knows a thing or two about cars. But, if she has any questions she'll make her way out into the shop and ask her questions to me then relay it back to the customer in the front office.

The story goes that this guy came in with a partially restored 54' pickup and wanted turn signals added to it. When Mandy came to me about it she told me the guy only wanted an estimate and didn't want anything else diagnosed or spend a dime.

Well, that's fine for now, but it's a little hard to tell how much when you say it's a partially restored 54', you need to ask a few questions. Like, does it have turn signals at all, is it the original steering column, are there one or two rear lights, and are there any dash indicators? Stuff like that.

Mandy went back up front to ask the questions while I kept my head under the dash trying to sort out the problem I was currently dealing with. A few minutes later she came back out and filled me in with as much information as she could gather. There were still some unanswered questions I needed to know or his "guesstimate" was going to be really wrong. Since I was stretched out under this dash (pretty much wedged in there), I wasn't about to try to crawl out from under the dash until I got the job done. Which shouldn't be more than 10 or 15 minutes.. tops.

"Tell him to give me a few minutes or so and I'll take a look at what he's got to work with."

Mandy went back up front and told the customer what I said. When I finished up under the dash I came up front, (about 10 minutes) no guy, no car… where'd ya go car 54? Mandy says, "He left all pissed off, called you a horse's ass on the way out too."

An hour or so later the phone rang… Mandy answers it……it's car 54 again…. "Do you know any other repair shops that can do the same kind of work that you do there?" he asked.

Mandy was a little shocked at his question. She had to stop for a minute and think about her answer, she was actually quite ticked that somebody would call and ask that in the first place. "No sir, most repair shops in the area refer work to us when it comes to specialized wiring jobs such as yours," She answered.

"I was referred to you by two different shops; they said you guys are the best in town. I would use you guys but your tech is obviously too "anal" to stop and help me with my problem," He answered.

Tell me this, since when does the ringing of the front door bell mean; "Drop what I'm doing and do what you want… RIGHT NOW!" Hey, how about a little professional courtesy here buddy, I don't think it's fair to say I could get a doctor to stop in the middle of an examination the minute I walk into his office. It wasn't my choice to be stuck under the dash at that moment in time. But that's the way it was. Why should it be any different for automotive repair, but seriously… … anal?? Anal because I want to finish what I'm working on? Anal because I'd rather finish what I'm doing, because it's such a tight spot to be in and it is only going to take a few more minutes to do so?

Really, you mean to tell me that your 54' turn signals are so important that you need an answer right this second and not a few minutes later? Well, then I guess you're right… I'm anal, and I suppose if I was working on this 54 and had to stop in the middle of it to talk to the next impatient customer about their turn signals that would be unacceptable to you too. How's that old saying go: "You're first, right after me…" This guy takes it to extremes.

Here I am, jammed under a dash working on a paying customer's car and all this guy wants is free advice… hmm, let me think about this… what should I do? Work for a living, or work for A living. There's not much chance I'm going to work that hard to get every job in the shop these days. Could be I'm getting older, could be I just don't want to put up with all the BS from people like car 54 anymore. Pretty easy decision, I'll finish the dash job, then, look at Mr. 54's turn signals if he could've waited.

Shortly after this guy came in the shop a buddy of mine who owns an office supply company came to me with a big button badge he made. It has the tail end of a horse proudly printed on it with the words to match. There's no mistaking the meaning of it. I guess that makes me official.

So if you think calling me up and informing me of your opinion is going to affect me in some small way, well… sorry fella… too late, been there, done that, you're not the first. I'm already a member of the club, and I've got the badge to prove it.

Thanks for reading my articles, most eventually will get published in one of my columns across the country. I never know which ones (editors really don't tell me beforehand) But I do get to let them know which ones YOU like. It does help to influence which stories get into next months magazines. Want to help ... leave a comment... let me know which story you would like to see. It really makes a difference.

Thanx again.

Golfing with an Attitude

Ok, I confess… I'm a golfer… I play almostevery weekend with the same bunch of guys. Why I go out each and every weekend and put myself thru the heat, rain, blusterywindy days and cold weather to hit some little white ball through 7000 yards ofmanicured landscape is beyond me. But,there's no doubt I'll work on improving my handicap, until I can't pick up aclub anymore.

Once in awhile we'll be a guy short forsome reason or another, not a problem, we'll find another weekend whackerstanding around the club house looking for a game. After the first hole or so, you'll get anidea of what kind of golfer you've been teamed up with. More than likely he's just another weekendhacker knocking the ball around like the rest of us duffers.

Sooner or later they'll ask, "What do you do for aliving?"

I think it's pretty hilarious when I tell them I'man automotive repair shop owner/mechanic/author/columnist. I guess to some people having all these separatetitles is kind of impressive; I think it's pretty cool myself, but let's notforget… I'm really only a mechanic, who just so happens to write a column. First and foremost, I'm a mechanic.

Eventually they've got to ask about a car; they'vegot some sort of problem and want to know what I think is causing it. Now, I don't mind answering their question ifthe question can be answered without any further discussion. Example: the checkengine light is on. Ok, bring it into the shop and I'll scan it… here's mycard. But, that's hardly the case; it'susually some strange bogus problem I'll take a swing at with my bestguess. Time after time, I'll get the "Ialready tried that" or "Really, you think that's what it could be?" Yes, that's what I was thinking, and yes,that's what I thought it could be. (Why do they come back with that question…of course that's what I thought it could be… do they "think" I thought it wassomething else? I would have said, "Ithink it's something else…")

Then theyhave to drag their "ringer" into the game… the old "my regular mechanic said…"Ok,… time to move onto the next hole. I hear it's a par 5… a tough one. Enough car talk for the day.

I'm playing golf right at the moment; let's leavethe shop at the shop. I'm not scanningan EVAP system for a P0455 code. I'm trying to focus on the wind direction andthe elevation to make this 150 yard shot with my 8 iron. I'm not trying to tellif the gas cap is tight. I mean, I could talk car repair and play golf at thesame time, but honestly… I don't keep a wrench and a scanner in my golf bag,nor do I keep a 2 iron in my tool box. Iget into enough hazards on the golf course, so let's make this putt and move onto the next T box. Drop the car stufffor just a little while. As matter offact why not hold your thought until a more appropriate time… like over a beerat the club house, while we're adding up the Nassau's for the day.

When I'm asked automotive technical questions Idon't know how in-depth my answer should be. Most people outside of theautomotive industry don't seem to be interested in discussing the differencebetween direct fuel injection and multi-port injection. I could… really I could, but then I guessit's only boring if you bore people with it. I think it's fascinating what the human mind can come up with, and howwe as technicians take these ideas and put them into practice.

Car repaircan be on many levels, and it's what level you're on that makes adifference. It's like a handicap ingolf. If you know what the other guy'shandicap is you can still play the game. It doesn't matter if they're not as good, we both play the same gamejust on different levels… it's the same when talking about car repair.

Maybe that's why I like golf. It's a simple game… swing, hit a ball, and moveit from one spot on earth to another. Like car repair, you bring the car into the shop;you observe the problem, get the proper tools and "swing" away. Now,how much simpler can it get? Hmmm, youknow, neither is actually that simple. They both take years of practice to get good. Some people think golf is easy, 'til they tryit. It's not that easy… to me, car repair, good diagnostics skills, and goodcommunication skills with the customer are pretty much on an even par with agood golf swing. You're not going to learn it over night.

After playing all these years I still getfrustrated at the game. I have those days I just can't seem to find my swing.It reminds me of how I get at the shop on some occasion. When I'm working on a job, and no matter whatI seem to try, I just can't put my finger on the cause of the problem. I work at it and work at it. Sometimes I have to take a few practiceswings, maybe step away for a second, whatever works to get my head back in thegame. Not so much different than my golfgame actually. On some occasions myswing is off, so I need to take a break from it or try something new.Eventually I'll find the problem, sometimes after I make the turn it comes tome. Pretty much like at the shop… walk away for a bit, and when I come backI'll have the solution.

To keep my sanity on the golf course I try toavoid any conversations that lead into how to fix a problem with their personalcars. I always try to avoid getting my head in a hazard, while I'm in standingin the middle of the fairway.

So, to say I play golf with an attitude, yea, Iguess I do… to say I take my job and my career as an automotive tech seriousenough to have an attitude about it… yea, you're right again. In the meantime let me get back to my golfgame, the cars can wait … I've gotta sink this putt for eagle.

I hope everyone enjoys my weekly column here at ASO, I try to keep the subjects light and with some flair. Not all my articles go to print, but enough of them do. If you see one of my articles out there... let me know which magazine it's in. Always like to keep up with it. Gonzo

Taking some time

When the weather is right I like to ride my motorcycle to work. It's a little bit of a commute for me, but it does allow me time to observe the world from a different perspective than from behind a truck's windshield. I'm not surprised at how many people push past the speed limit, while maintaining a grip on their ever present cell phone. Some of these morning pavement pounders always seem to be in a hurry to get somewhere. It wouldn't surprise me if they are the same ones that come to the shop and want things done faster than it's possible.

While on the bike I tend to notice a little more than when I'm driving in the car. You can hear the car behind you bring up the rpms just before they flip to the next lane and pass you like you're standing still. You can hear the guy's radio three car lengths away from you (and that's with his windows up). Hurry, hurry, hurry it seems everyone has some place to be right that second, rather than to be on the highway.

When I finally get to the shop and open the doors, I'm really hoping for a change of pace… something to slow the morning down a bit. It would be nice to start my day off with a pleasant type of person for a change.

Today was my day… My first customer was an older fella who drove in a 1981 Ford F150; yes I said an '81 model. I haven't seen one of these in quite some time. I mentioned to him, "Wow, that's an oldie."

"Yes it is. I've owned it since it was new," the soft spoken gentleman tells me.

"So, what's your problem with it today?"

"The brake lights aren't working, I've already tried a new brake switch and bulbs, but it still doesn't work. I was told you're the man to see about stuff like this."

"Not a problem, I can take a look at it if you'd like," I said as I put my helmet down on the counter.

"I've got a ride coming, if I need to leave it."

"I'll let ya know in just a bit, as soon as I move a few cars."

I got his keys and unlocked the shop for the day, while he made himself comfortable outside on one of the benches.

Was I in for a shock when I got into the truck! It was in perfect condition. He had it all reupholstered, repainted, and clean; it was still so much like a factory fresh vehicle that I just couldn't believe it. When I think of an '81 model in this day and age, it's most likely to be a worn out old rust bucket that's going to be nothing but one problem after another…. but not this truck.

This old style brake light switch presses against a flat section on the master cylinder push rod, which then closes the switch and turns on the brake lights through the turn signal switch. The quickest way to check these is to turn on the hazards, and then walk back to the rear of the truck and see if both the bulbs are flashing. If they are, all you have to do is press on the brake pedal. If the switch and wiring is in working order the brake switch current should cancel the flasher and lock the signal on.

Well, it didn't, the hazards kept on flashing. I crawled under the dash to test the brake switch. Seems the switch was new, but wasn't quite pressing against the master cylinder rod enough to close the switch. A simple adjustment of the contact plate on the switch did the trick. Works great now.

I finished checking the rest of the turn signal operation and brake lights, and then took the truck back up to the front of the shop. The old guy was sitting on one of the benches reading a book patientl waiting for his ride to pick him up.

"You're done already, sir. You won't need that ride now," I told him.

"Wow that was fast! I was happy to just sit hear and read, ya didn't have to do it that quickly. This is super. I'm so glad to get this taken care of. Let's go inside and settle up the bill," he says with a big grin.

"Oh, it was nothing. No charge today, it didn't take any time at all. It was pretty cool to see a one owner truck in such great condition. It's quite a change from some of the worn out junk that people drag in for repair."

"Nothing? Your time is valuable, I couldn't find the problem. You already quoted me your diagnostic cost, and you should be charging for the actual labor time. You're the professional, I'm the customer, so I'm paying for your service. You deserve it. Even though you think it was nothing, I think it was something," he says while patting me on the back.

Well, I guess I can't argue with that. We settled up and shook hands like a couple of old friends. We even took a little time to just chat in the front office about my motorcycle. He was thinking about getting one himself. I was really inspired by this fella. He made it a point to tell me that my time was not free, nor should it be any cheaper because of the quickness of my efforts. (Hard to believe I'm hearing this from a paying customer, when most of my professional years I've been preaching about the same thing.) He explained to me that it was his job as a customer to make sure people who work in the service related businesses are compensated for their time and efforts.

It made my day to have someone come into the shop with this type of attitude. He wasn't in a hurry, he wasn't pacing, he was just waiting, waiting for me to finish, and was eager to pay for services rendered.

I'm sure whether it would have been a big job or even a small one, I have a feeling he would have handled it in the very same manner. Makes me wonder why there aren't more people like this guy roaming the public roadways. I think he could teach us all a lesson in professional courtesy and how utilize our time better.

As a professional mechanic it's not often you run across a professional customer: someone who values service work and the people that perform the same. Hopefully, he gets a bike of his own and the two of us can go riding together, I'd like that.

So, for everyone out there speeding up and down the freeways trying to get somewhere in a hurry, keep an eye out for some old guy on a motorcycle. It could be the fella with the '81 F150 or it might even be someone like me, just taking some time….

Sometimes it's a great change a pace to write about some really good people in the world. The kind that appreciate what we do in the automotive repair business. I hope this brings a smile and a little relaxation to your day. I know it did to mine.

Thanx again for taking the "time" to read my stories.

Trade Secrets

I'm often asked by a customer or another mechanic if I have some sort of trade secret for

finding a short in a car. The answer is No, I really don't have a trade secret or some trick to finding them faster than most. In fact, I can only explain it in one simple word, "Practice". Years of practice.

The automotive trade is unlike most other forms of labor intensive jobs. You can't use the same methods of repair from year to year. No offense to the other professional "blue-collar-trades" trades such as brick layers, plumbers, heavy equipment operators, steel workers, etc. I know full well these trades go through many changes from year to year, but in the auto industry change is a constant thing, and there is no "one" method I know of to learn how to do it all. Technicians have to continually update their education to be able to keep up with the constant change. This can be from the good old school of hard knocks to advanced classes.

If you're a dealer technician chances are you'll learn the new systems for that particular manufacturer, and learn certain tricks of the trade or methods that will aide in diagnosing problems on that brand. But, if you're an independent shop that works on several different models you'll have to learn the differences between each of them in order to be able to repair them properly without the aid of the manufacturer.

For instance, back in the 70's and 80's I could tell you flat out why the headlights would blink on a Ford or Chevy. It was nothing to trip the voltage regulator to full field on the old internal regulated Chevy through the little hole in the back of the alternator. If I needed to bleed the air out of a power steering system I had a little trick for that too. All of which was learned from sharing tricks of the trade from one tech to another.

Each vehicle had its quirks, and for each there was a trick or a short cut to solve the problem quicker and faster. None of which is very useful today. Those systems have changed so much that the knowledge and tricks of those days are all but useless.

Calling them "tricks" is probably the incorrect way of describing them. They are part of the daily diagnostics that technicians develop by studying those systems. Today is no different, we still have to find time to study and find those tricks just as we did back then.

Some people want to know the "secret" to fixing the problem on their car. Why? What secret? I think they just want bragging rights around the office cooler, so they can show off to the office crew they know how to fix their own car. If it's a paying customer… I'll be glad to explain the test procedures. But, just try to walk into my shop and ask me how to repair your car or point you in the right direction on how to fix your car with no intention of paying me for my time… Oh, I'll point alright… right in the direction of the front door.

I've spent a better part of my life just trying to keep up with the changes, learning the tricks of the trade, and being able to provide a service that is worthy enough to earn me a living. I can't imagine why I would want to freely give out my "tricks of the trade" (if I even had any) to people who are only going to use the information for their own good and not support my shop or techs.

So, are there tricks of the trade that we conveniently keep to ourselves as technicians? Sure, not like they are only mentioned after the secret handshake and the correct password is given, no, not hardly. They are shared in different groups across the internet as well as between techs at conferences, meetings and social events. But, there are still a few things a tech might want to keep to himself. (Even the manufacturer has a few trade secrets they don't like to share.)

Think about it for a second. Why do you pay a professional? Knowledge, skill, and background are what you're paying for. I call it "Time and Talent". It's the same in any profession.

Just the other day a guy dropped a car off that had a problem with the door locks. I diagnosed it, had the repair authorized, and had it done that same day. Later that afternoon I called the owner and told him it was done, and he said he would be over before I closed to pick it up. When he got to the shop he told me he called another place, and they told him they could have done the same job for half as much.

So I asked him, "Why didn't you have them do it in the first place?"

He said, "Because they already looked at it last week, but didn't know how to figure it out. But I won't be bringing any work here again… you're too expensive."

Even though I had a method of finding out what was wrong with the door locks, and spent the time to confirm the diagnosis, and had the repair price authorized by the customer before I started the work and made the repair, I still had to deal with an upset customer in the end, because somebody else told him they could do it cheaper. (Gee, and only after they knew what was wrong with it.) That's a poor trick of the trade, and it's no trade secret how some shop operators influence customers. Quite honestly, that's not even professional.

When it comes to automotive repair, find a good shop. I'm sure they'll have a few tricks they can use to solve your car problems. A good independent shop with the right tools and the right attitude is not going to be the cheapest shop in town. I'll guarantee you that. But I'll bet they're pretty darn good at what they do. It's no magic act, it's training and talent, and that's "NO" trade secret!

Someone asked me where do I get my inspirations for articles? Where? Right here at ASO, at trade shows, or just going to work everyday. Sometimes it's just a story I think everyone can relate to. Working on cars is hard enough, dealing with the ever changing industry is hard too, but the one constant that we can somewhat perdict is the customers reactions and other shops reputations. In some small part I think some of my stories help us all learn how to cope with those parts of our daily jobs.

Leave a comment, tell me what ya think.. good or bad. It does help and it does make a difference of which story goes into print. Thanx ASO memebers... you guys and gals are the Greatest!

Parts Changers

Never a day goes by that somebody doesn't email me, calls, or is standing in the lobby with the same type of ridiculous idea about automotive repair. For some reason, (Why, I don't know) certain people think the way to fix a car is simply to change a part. I guess that's how they think a repair shop does it. Or maybe that's the way they were taught to repair a car. Then there are a few of these screw driver twisting, bolt stripping, car jockeys who take parts changing to a whole new level.

They generally start out something like this: "My car won't start, so I changed the fuel pump, the starter, injectors, battery, and ignition switch. When that didn't work I put in a new MAP sensor, crank sensor, coolant sensor, and a water pump… but it's still not working. What do you think the problem is?" Oh, I already know what the second problem is. You worked on it first! The first problem is now secondary to you working on the car. It's pretty typical, ask them what's wrong with the car, and instead of telling you "what's wrong" they'll tell you "what they've done". The first thing should have been to tell me about the car… the second thing should have been what you did to it first.

Sometimes the real funny part is when they tell me the car won't start, but don't give any important information like: it won't crank, it only turns over, it spits and sputters but never runs…etc. Instead they'll tell me something like, "I know what it is, I just haven't found it yet." Seriously dude, I think your dipstick is leaking… I can tell … there's oil dripping off of it. It might do you some good to put your tool box out at the next garage sale. You could save a lot of money on your next car repair that way.

Here's one phone call I'll never forget. An older gentleman called and said he has been working on cars for nearly 30 years, but this one car was getting the best of him. He has already changed every part he could think of, and it was absolutely no help. After asking around town at several other repair shops, my name kept coming up as the person to diagnose his car. He went on to tell me about some sort of connector under the hood with nothing connected to it. He was certain it must be for a sensor, and the missing sensor was the cause of his entire problem. Not only did he not know what sensor it was, but he couldn't tell where the sensor would go if he had the part to change.

"Sir, there are lot of connectors on different cars that go nowhere under the hood. It's probably something that this car doesn't use. Bring it in, and I'll diagnose the problem for you," I told him, being as helpful as I could.

"Yea, that's just what you want me to do. So you can charge me to read the codes like the rest of those moron mechanics out there," he answered.

I took that as an insult. I said I'll diagnose the problem. I never said anything about reading codes. If there is a code stored I certainly would check into the diagnostic procedures pertaining to that code, and see if it has anything to do with his problem. But I'm not code chasing, I'm car fixing.

"Sir, if all you want is a code read then why don't you go down to one of those parts stores that will read the code for free. Codes don't fix cars! I told you I would diagnose the problem!" I blasted back at him now that he's got me riled up. (I'll bet I didn't sound as friendly as I did when I first picked up the phone.)

Apparently, after 30 years of fixing cars this guy never diagnosed a problem. His entire career was based on changing parts until it fixed the car. What was the problem with this car?? …… He ran out of parts to change!

"I can fix it if you could tell me what part needs replaced, so don't give me any of that high tech answer stuff. Just tell me what part to change," he answers back.

You can just about guess what happened next; he wasn't about to pay for any of my services. Ok fella, your time is up! Go ask another one of your friends where you should go. Since you were kind enough to classify me and my trade as a moron, I know where I'm going to tell you to go… hope ya like hot places.

Then there was this naïve used car salesmen who thought he could buy a used scanner that would have the complete dictionary of auto parts by code stored in it. With that he could change parts and fix the cars, all without consulting a technician or pay a diagnostic fee.

"You'll need to diagnose the code results not just change the parts pertaining to the code. A scanner is NOT a mechanic in a box, as you seem to think it is," I told him.

Nope, no dice, his mind was made up. He knew there was a scanner that would do just what he thought it would, and I was only keeping it a big secret. As he put it, "I'm no dummy; I know how to fix cars." Hmmm, are ya sure about that? Why don't you just stick to selling them, because your "mechanically inclined" part is broke, and I'm not qualified to fix things like that… even with a scanner.

Parts changers, ah yes… what would a day be like at the shop without one. So many places to buy parts, so many tools and so many backyard garages.

I'd like to tell all the parts changers out there: "When you're all done playing mechanic come see the guys at your local repair shop. Pay them for taking care of your problem. It will be a change from buying parts, and when the tech is done with the repair the only thing you'll have to do is … "Part with your change."

My Nemesis

Could there be an Achilles heel in the auto world that I would consider my nemesis? Is it possible there is a "kryptonite car" that brings chaos everywhere it goes? Should I run away at the first sign of these diabolical vermin of my undoing? If there was ever such a car, it would no doubt be … The PT CRUISER… I'm getting to the point I don't even want to see one come in for an oil change. Now, don't get me wrong… I like the little car. I just find more problems with the car vs. the owner than any other make and model these days. Perhaps, it's not the car … perhaps it's the owners of these cars… maybe they are the kryptonite, and the car is merely the portal of transportation bringing them to the shop faster than a speeding bullet.

You know, it's been said for many years that a person takes on the traits of their cars. It's like trying to explain your eccentric Uncle Hugo to someone. Just mention he still drives an old Rambler everywhere, they'll get the picture.

Funny, how these associations became reality. (Personally, I like the old Ramblers.) Even though it was never intended to be like this when the car was manufactured, those little quirks and style of the car become essentially an expression of the owner. Sometimes it's like Clark Kent and his alter ego -- Superman. You just never know what to expect out of some people.

So far, these PT Cruiser's haven't let me down. Servicing them can be like leaping tall buildings with a single bound. (Easy for Superman, not so easy for me.) I'd like to know who thought of putting the A/C service valve way down in the engine bay. I can't even get my arm in there. Or the way the power steering pressure hose is corkscrewed around the engine. All that and more comes to mind when working on these cars, but it's still those odd ball problems that I encounter with the car and the owners that makes them unique.

I've had everything from a PT Cruiser that came in for repair where a bodyshop used drywall screws to hold the front grill back on the car. AND, they used "Bondo" over their screws, so you couldn't tell what they had done until you tried to remove it. My problem wasn't why the body shop used drywall screws… no… my problem was the air conditioner. Could it be, because someone had put a drywall screw right through the wiring harness? Gee, now how did that get there? The odd part was the owner was more pissed at me for removing the grill to find the problem than the bodyshop using drywall screws to hold it on.

And then there was the lady who had taken her car to several dealerships and transmission shops. It turned out to be a bad connection between the TCM and the transmission. Not a big deal to repair, you just had to be there at that particular moment to see the failure. It's probably why no one else had found it.

But, as soon as I fixed the connection the fluid had a chance to move thru the transmission… and it began to leak. Not bad, but bad enough. I showed the owner the leak, and told her it wouldn't take long to repair. She then told me how mad she was and how much she spent at the other places. "I'm never going back to them ever again," she would say over and over. But, instead of having me fix the leaking valve body… she was going back to the guy she was ticked off at. Huh? I guess she needed to spread more of that PT Cruiser kryptonite to another shop.

But the top of list was this little caper. A transmission shop I've worked with for many years dropped one off for me to check the electronics to the transmission. Normally, it's no big deal, except for the huge snow storm that evening. It was one of the worst storms to hit our area in years. It started snowing on the way home Wednesday night, by morning I was stuck at the house until the snow plows could clear the roads, which from the looks of things, wasn't going to be for several days. (My part of the country doesn't have the fleet of snow plows like the northern parts do… we pretty much wait until it melts. (They'll plow the main roads everything else is left untouched.)

Around 11:30pm Friday evening with the snow still coming down my home phone rang. It was the owner of the PT Cruiser, who by all rights was pretty ticked off. She has been without her little car for quite some time.

She demanded that I go to the shop, open it up, and get her son's basketball out of the car. (For real… no joke here… she was dead serious.) Any other day, sure…, except for the fact that you couldn't tell the road from the ditches and I have a 45 minute commute from my house to the shop even on days with good roads and light traffic.

Let's see here…, it's dark, there's a couple of feet of drifting snow on the road, it's probably going to take me a couple of hours to navigate my way into town, providing I don't end up in a ditch myself. Ah, let me think about this a second… done… not happening!

Now picture this, I'm standing in my kitchen looking out over the snow covered front lawn while I'm listening to her version of the repair right down to each and every penny she has spent, and mind you, she wasn't holding back any remarks about anyone involved. I don't know about you, but when I'm home…, I'm home. I'd rather not talk shop, and this lady was pushing the wrong buttons.

I tried to calm her down and explain things in a logical way, the weather, the time of the day, and unless I was Clark Kent, I'm pretty sure it will have to wait till the storm passes. No dice, this lady was P.O.'d!

Sorry lady, I'm sure your son will make it one more night without his precious basketball. Resourceful gal, I'll give her that, but there won't be any road trips to the Metropolis tonight. What gets into people sometimes? Then again, it's not the owners… it's the car…… it just gotta be the car….

Superman has his kryptonite…, and I've got my PT Cruisers….

I really appreciate all your thoughts and comments. These stories are here before final editing or publication. Some make it, some don't. I don't know which ones will until you tell me. I then send them onto my editors for final approval. You like this story, leave a comment... it will help me decide which ones go onto publication. Thanx again. Gonzo

A Day at the Dentist

Some time ago I had a root canal procedure at my buddy's dental office. If you've never had one, you're missing a whole lot of fun (I'm kidding… it ain't fun at all.) It's not cheap, that's for sure. But like a lot of my customers will tell me, "Well, it needed to be done."

I thought I was through with dental problems for awhile. But, I was wrong, a few months later I had the same tooth ache in the same tooth that was just worked on. The crown he put on was so tight he couldn't get it off. So instead he drilled thru the cap and down into the nerve that was giving me a problem. Thankfully, I was completely numb and couldn't feel a thing, except when he actually hit the nerve… zowee!!! Yep, that's the spot alright.

My dentist is an old friend of mine, and we're always kidding around with each other. I fix his family cars, and he takes care of the family teeth. He even comes up to my place to do a little fishing now and then. After the last needle was gouged into my gums and all the sharp instruments were safely put away, I thought I'd have a little fun with my buddy. I told him I really wanted to pull this little gag when I first walked into the waiting room.

Something like this: Walk into the waiting room and start getting louder and louder. Demand my money back for such a botched repair job. Tell everyone within ear shot that I'm going to sue and call the Better Business Bureau. Start stomping my feet and tell him how lousy a dentist he is, and that I'm never, ever coming back again… because… "It's doing the same thing"

I told him this is how some people will act when they come to a repair shop over similar situations. He didn't seem to like my little joke… I guess it didn't sound as funny as I thought it did, but he did have a great comeback for me though.

"There are several hidden avenues of problems that can't be foreseen. Until you cross the original problem off the list of possibilities you just never know. Even using the best diagnostics available things can still go wrong, but we always hope for the best results no matter what the situation." Wow, I should write this down.

Now old Doc, he's a pretty sharp guy. Doc has a way of understanding people from the mental side of things as well as diagnosing and repairing. Doc looks at things with a different outlook than I do. It's a bigger part of the job than people realize. His patients come in with a pain; he'll diagnose the problem and make the correct repair. I've got to admit I wouldn't want to stick my fingers in everybody's mouth all day long. It's not the job for me; I'll stick to fixing cars.

You can ask a patient, "Does this hurt?" and they'll tell you. Cars on the other hand don't and can't really answer that question. The big difference is… my patient is the car. It does talk to me, in a way, just not like a patient at the dentist office does. I've got to figure out a way to make the car talk to me. Then I have to inform the customer of the cost of the repair and hope there isn't too much pain involved. (I could use a little Novocain for the customer right about now.) When the dentist says… "This is going to cost you a thousand dollars", and you're sitting there, holding your hand against the side of your cheek, I guarantee, you'll nod your head yes. It's just not that easy when it comes to car repair.

Making a scene at the dentist office doesn't seem like the smart thing to do, or for that matter, having an all out tantrum at the repair shop isn't going to solve a thing either. It's a shame that some people feel the need to come "un-glued" over a car repair. It's a car … we can fix it. Honestly, a majority of the time I find the complaints about their cars are similar to my problem with my tooth ache. Related yes, but not due to the previous repairs in the way they feel it is.

As a technician I have to assume the role of a doctor, and diagnose a problem quickly and accurately and do the best I can to avoid the "same thing" syndrome, but if it does happen just like it did with my root canal, work on how to repair it not make a scene. Hey, things happen… who knows why… I know I don't. Maybe using my dentist's words of wisdom could help the next time something like this happens again.

I did learn something new about dealing with bad situations from my buddy … that's for sure. I got a little more than a root canal that day. I'm glad my dentist friend and I had our little talk. He's a great guy, a great dentist, and a good friend too.

So the next time I have a tooth ache I'll make an appointment. I know it's going to cost me money, I know it's going to be painful, but I know I can't take care of it myself. Car repair should be the same way.

I'm sure when I finally get to the dentist office and I'm sitting in that chair, he's going to pull out one of his sharp pointed instruments and start probing around and ask, "Does this hurt?" I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm only going to nod my head… open wide… and pay the bill.

I hope everyone enjoys the stories. It's not easy to come up with new material (good ones) But I keep trying. As these stories come together I work on sending the better ones out to my editors. Your input helps make the decision as to which stories go to print. Leave a comment, let me know. Always, always appreciated. Gonzo

Don't forget to visit my website www.gonzostoolbox.com Also, if you haven't picked up a copy of my book "Hey Look, I Found the Loose Nut" get one. Pick a copy up at my website, I'll send it to you ... signed! (wow, what an incentive... LOL...)

Thanx again.

Know It Alls

Now I'm not some "Know-it-all". I hardly remember birthdays, let alone some things I probably should remember about cars. It's no wonder I spend what little free time I have reviewing new information, videos, manuals, and websites. I spend a lot of time learning what I can about all the new systems and diagnostics methods. I try to retain as much as I can, and at the same time try to keep the older car information from slipping into that black hole of lost and forgotten car information.

Now, there are some folks who come to the shop or call me on the phone, who seem to expect me to be able to rattle off all kinds of far off reaching information about a certain system on their car. Some of it I might be able to answer, but a lot of times I've got to go check the information out before giving an answer.

Some people use their "Know-it-all" knowledge as some sort of test to see how much I know. They'll rattle off some sort of important change on a 3.8 V6 for a certain year, and expect me to know it in detail. Seriously people, I couldn't care less about stuff like that. If those "so-called" facts were important in the process of repairing or diagnosing, I might be concerned, but most of their "lingo" is superficial stuff that isn't going to change the way I'm going to diagnose their car problem. Then again, I may find out later their little superficial information is important, and I end up looking stupid… I guess that takes care of the test results doesn't it.

As it is, the vehicle changes are so rapid these days it's harder and harder to keep up with the changes just from memory. I can't possibly remember them all. I'll know what I need to know, and keep the rest close at hand, so that I can go back to it and study it a little more carefully.

When "Mr. Know-it-all" comes up to the front counter and starts spouting off all kinds of technical jargon, I just stand there waiting for him to finish is dissertation. Then ask him, "So why are you here? You seem to have all the technical wizardry at hand. What would you like me to do?"

Most of the time it's all talk… because I usually end up repairing whatever it was that brought them into the shop. I guess, some people just want to show their knowledge to the technician. I can't imagine someone going into a dentist office and telling the dentist the month and year that cavity filling was changed to some sort of new modern filler, or what year the new style dental drill was introduced… but they will at the repair shop, and how!

Then there is what I call the "Professional Know-it-all" --- The car clubs. I really get a kick out these car club members that come in from time to time. Usually when one of these guys or gals has a good feeling about a shop they'll tell the rest of the group, and for the next couple of months or so I'll work on a lot of their rides. Lately it's been the Corvair club; a few months ago it was the Triumph club. They come and they go, they'll stop back by once in awhile, and then they drift off for a few months. They'll usually show up again right around car show season time.

Now these folks are hilarious. They can tell you about every single nut and bolt and modifications ever done to their car from its birth to the day the final car rolled off the assembly line. I'll bet some of them can even tell you what time of the day a certain part was installed at the factory. I guess it makes great conversation, while sitting in a folding lawn chair out in the hot sun of the mall parking lot for a car show.

These folks loved to talk about their cars. I've found out (from experience) if you even smile, or look interested…ya better pull up one of those lawn chairs… you're going to need it, because you're going to hear all about it. I've even seen them sit there talking with the other "know-it-alls" while trying to one up each other with their knowledge and facts about their rides.

Oh, I can't leave myself out of that category, at times. I'm guilty of it too. You didn't think after nearly 3 decades of repairing cars that I don't have a storeroom full of useless facts in my old brain bucket? Believe me, I'll wear that lawn chair out telling my stories.

I really enjoy the club guys and dolls myself. These folks have quite a respect for their beloved rides. Most of them appreciate good workmanship, and take pride in knowing the right places to take their cars. The nice thing about these folks is you can just about guarantee their information is correct. They "Know-it-all", and if I'm having a problem with a car they'll jump right in with all the facts and figures, wire diagrams, repair manuals or even spare parts for me to finish the job.

It makes my job a lot easier that's for sure. So in some respects the different types of "Know-it-alls" does make a difference when it comes to repairing cars. Some people might call the mechanic the "Know-it-all", some people might think they are the "Know-it-all". It really doesn't matter to me. I'm still the guy who fixes their car. I don't need to know it all… But, I'll leave them thinking that I do. Either way, I'll get the car fixed. All I know is what I know… it may not be it all…but it's enough to get the job done.

You know, sometimes you never know what you may run across in this business. All I know is what I know... I guess some people have to grow up a bit before they learn to not try to impress somebody with their knowledge.

I'm sure we've all seen them. I'll just write about them... that's what I do. Hope you enjoy reading these stories. I never know which ones will make it into my column, that's up to the editors. But, I can tell them how many people have read it here at ASO, that sometimes makes a difference in which story goes out into publication.

Leave a comment, let me know. You know it "all" ... makes a difference. Gonzo

Royism

Roy was a long time employee who always had the strangest way of looking at things. Roy is a great guy, a little rough around the edges but a great guy none the less. On the other hand, if there was a job in the shop that needed that mechanical touch, he was the first one to take on the challenge.

If it was quitting time, or the shop slowed, he was the first one out the door. It was never a dull moment when he was around. You just never knew what he is going to say next. Sometimes it sounded like an old sailor who'd been on ship too long, other times he would go into song. You just never knew what was going to spring forth. For the most part, it didn't matter who was around, he was going to tell his version of his story with his usual flare. Of course, you had to sort through his vocabulary to get to the meaning of his latest yarns, but I found them rather entertaining and rather amusing at times.

For Roy, four letter words were adjectives, or sometimes verbs. I tend to forgive him for all that; I'm guilty of it too at times. I just don't have his colorful anecdotes.

I started to collect these anecdotes and off color sayings. I called them "Royisms". Roy had a way of coming up with one for just about any situation or any subject you can think of.

Here's a few of them. Oh, there's more, but I'd don't think the "adjectives" can be cut out of them and still be able to say it the way he does…. Roy, is truly a one of a kind.

Here are a few of my favorite "Royism's" that I can share, and believe me; it took some work to clean them up!

I'll give the definition first….then Roy's anecdote. Here goes:

If you needed to be extra careful while doing something;

Roy - "Like a toad walking" (I guess if a toad is walking, he's being careful…)

How to describe to someone who's flat broke, (usually Roy would say this about himself);

Roy - "So broke, I could fart in my pocket and still not leave a scent." (I love this one…)

Bolts, nuts, or anything that are stuck or hard to move;

Roy - "Tighter than Dick's hat band" (Dick's hat band? How did it get so tight?)

Something is about to fall apart, or something that's very loose;

Roy - "Like Maggie Mootie's pooty" (your guess as to what a pooty is)

Something that is hard to find;

Roy - "It's like looking for hen's teeth" (hmm, can't say as I've ever found any hen's teeth myself…)

When you really don't care about something;

Roy - "I couldn't give a rat's ass" (I'd like to know, how is it that you obtained a rats butt. Where did ya get it, and why in the world would you even have one to give away. The big question is; what will that rat do if you gave away his backside? … I just don't get it. There's an answer here… but I'm not sure now what the question was.)

Some absolutely useless item;

Roy - "Like a snow plow in summer" (Ok, a snow plow… it's not used much in the summer, I got it… So… what's useless in the winter time?)

When something is not really needed right away, but you would like to keep it handy and easily attainable;

Roy - "Park it in the north 40" (Only my Grandpa would park something in the north 40, but that was usually something he wasn't ever going to use anymore. Sometimes I wonder if Grandma wanted to put Grandpa out in the north 40.)

After he learned something new about a car, or saw something that didn't need any more explaining;

Roy - "Don't do any good to blink, seen enough the first time." (He's done, don't explain it again. It's not worth the effort.)

When asked about beer (his favorite subject);

Roy -"You should never drink and drive… … … … ya might spill some." (I'm sure Roy could put a few away on the weekend.)

Quitting time equaled;

Roy - "Beer thirty" (Too obvious…)

When he was sick, and not coming into work that day, he would call and tell me;

Roy - "I feel like Hammered sh$t!" (Now I'm asking a simple question here, how… um… did ya … um … figured out what hammered sh$t felt like? Hopefully not by example…)

Explaining an oil change to the new intern;

Roy- "An oil change is just like using the "john", it ain't over till the paper work is done."

Yep, that's Roy… quite a character.

Like I said, there are hundreds more… but I won't go there.

I'm sure a lot of us know a Roy, and I'm sure if you're like me, you've had to sort through their tales of tales. Amongst all the vernacular of phrases there's a heart of gold.

Even with his choice of comments he still was a good hand and truly a good friend. He doesn't work at my shop anymore, he moved back to his home town some time ago. He stops by now and then just to check up on me, and even then he'll spout out another phrase or two while he's here.

Everybody should know a "Roy" at least once in their lifetime. He's a different sort of character… one you'll never forget.

While putting together a story for this weekend I was going thru my various lists of ideas. I kept going back to this one that I started several years ago. I thought it was something everyone else would get a kick out of reading it. Let me know, I always love to hear from everyone. Gonzo

Diamond in the Rough

I seem to run across the same type of people over and over again who think the great deal they got on this used pile of junk is the best thing since sliced bread? It doesn't matter what year the car is, or what kind of car it is… if the deal sounds too sweet it is probably going to sour your pocketbook. It's not hard to spot these individuals in a crowd. They're usually beaming with pride, and even prouder to tell you what they just paid for the latest conquest. I find it rather comical in a way to see how they are so eager to tell me all about their "high value-low cost" wonder of the auto world.

There have been several of them over the years, more than I can even remember; some have been bought without having been looked at all, or the price was so good the new owner didn't seem to care what was really wrong with it. I've had expensive cars to cheap runabouts dragged, pushed, and shoved into my service bays over the years, only to find out the real issue with these gems is something so serious that the car should have been sent to the salvage yard in the first place.

One time it was a little Honda that a new proud owner brought in to me. The car was really clean, well kept and looked like it had a lot of new body parts added along with a fresh paint job. (He bought it at an insurance auction, by the way.) The only complaint was a thump when you would take off from a dead stop and a constant rubbing noise coming from the engine. The new owner was told it only needed a new motor mount. I wish they would have checked with me before they bought it but, you know… it was "such a good deal" why bother with having it checked out.

The new owner put it to me this way, "I can't go wrong for the price I paid for it." Hmmm, I don't think his good deal would cover a broken engine block right where the front motor mount bolts onto the engine. Awe, too bad… another diamond turns into coal.

Then there was the guy who bought a 4 year old Cadillac out of state-never seen it, and drove all the way there and back. The previous owner said he wired the coolant fans so they would stay on all the time, and that it wouldn't take much to repair it if he knew a good electrical repair shop. He came straight to my shop, and was I in for a surprise! It wasn't only the fans that were wired up direct, but practically everything under the hood. The engine compartment had been on fire, and the entire engine harness and lighting harness was wired with one color wire…. black. Every splice was taped together without any solder or protection. How this guy made it as far as he did was a miracle. Needless to say, the repair was going to be more than the guy wanted to spend on it, so he decided to sell it to the next gemologist that came along.

Then, just this past week, I had a real gold digger make his way to my shop. Not only was this jacked up Dodge diesel pickup a banged up brute, but the guy took it to a transmission shop to have a new transmission installed… AND… he hadn't even bought it from the previous owner yet! So here's a guy buying parts for a vehicle he doesn't even own. Unbelievable… Oh, but it gets better… the transmission wasn't the only thing that was shot. The reason it was shot is because it's stuck in limp home, and the previous owner just kept hammering the pedal to the floor. That big Cummins engine just tore the transmission up. My job was to find out why it was in limp mode. Not only was it in limp, but there wasn't any communication to the PCM. One look at the harness told the story. This truck was a 98 model and had seen better days a long time ago. Looked to me as if somebody thought they could get real creative with the wiring, and had more spliced in goodies everywhere I looked than I've ever seen on any other vehicle before. Well, so much for this repair job. You know this is going to be more expensive than this guy wants to spend.

Now what does the fella do? He doesn't own the rig, but he's put all his money into the transmission and has nothing left to finish the job… and… he still has to pay for the actual truck. I guess it's time to head back to the diamond mine and look for some more sparkly gems.

After all these years, I can't imagine looking at something as expensive as a vehicle, a house, or other big ticket item that I know nothing about, without consulting an expert.

There's no diamonds in the rough, people! Oh there's the occasionally "little old lady left me this car stories" but for the most part… cheap deals are not cheap, especially when it comes to cars. There are so many moving parts and problems to be considered, you just can't use your wallet as the deciding factor whether or not it's a good deal. Use some common sense, and don't just buy it because the price is so good.

My shop offers a "Pre-Buy" check up just as many other shops do. I'd take advantage of it; it's well spent money on a used vehicle, and not a wasted effort on your part. Look at it this way, the only thing you're out is the cost of the "Pre-Buy" you're not stuck with a diamond in the rough that is more than likely just another piece of "fools gold".

When a customer comes in and tells me they are looking at a new ride, I offer to do a "Pre-Buy" checkup on for them. If they refuse, because they don't want to spend the money with me to have it checked out, I just smile, and tell them…

"Good luck fella. You're going to need it. I'd bring your diggin' tools… 'cause I can almost guarantee that this diamond in the rough is going to have you digging one deep hole in your pocket."

I tell the stories about our daily lives in the automotive industry. You like them, let me know. As well as being a shop owner I'm also a monthly columnist for several trade magazines. Your input helps me decide which stories I send off to the editors. So in a way, everyone here at ASO gets to decide which stories go into print. So here's your chance...leave a comment... I really appreciate it. (In fact if you follow my column you get to see how much the editors change the stories from what I started with and what actually goes into print.) Gonzo

Once, Twice, Three Times

Have you ever noticed when explaining something to a customer who doesn't like your answer, you end up explaining things at least 3 times? Why is that? After all these years I still haven't figured it out completely. I feel like I'm talking to my kids when they were younger. My kids would argue over the silliest things. Mainly, because they thought they were right, even though they never had a clue what they truly were arguing about.

I could explain things in several different ways, and they'll ask their questions in several different ways. None of it ever worked. Because, it didn't matter how they ask their questions, the answers always came out the same.

Take for example this "not so interested in spending a dime with me customer" that came in. Seems he had a problem with one of his grandson's cars, and Grandpa was one of those guys who kept the kin folks cars up and running. He wasn't about to bend and let somebody else fix one of the family's personal rides… that was his job. But he was stuck on this one, he didn't have an answer to the problem it was having.

He carefully explained to me that the wiper motor was running but the blades weren't moving. But rather than asking me what I thought was wrong with the wipers he asked a direct question to which I was to give him a direct answer.

"Is there a shear pin on these wiper linkage arms?"

Now I know there isn't one, they haven't used a shear pin in years. I haven't seen one used in a decade or so. This guy was so sure of himself there was no need in asking me anything in regards to what was wrong with the wipers, he understood how they worked he just wanted his question answered. His question was so direct and said in such a "direct" way… I gave him his direct answer.

"No sir, there is no shear pin in this wiper system."

I find it very interesting how people will explain a system in such detail, and then almost get to the point of solving the problem without even realizing it. Some people will get stuck on one issue they are "certain" IS the problem, and will not budge off of that topic.

"Well, there must be…. because the blades are not moving."

"I could get it in the shop and diagnose it for you."

This isn't the line of questioning he wanted any part of. He wanted free answers. Oh I'll give him answers, but only to the questions that he specifically asks. The solution was a simple one… let me diagnose it…, but he didn't want that at all, he wanted his question answered.

I guess I could have told him what was actually wrong with it, but why? Why am I unlocking the door to the shop every morning? Why am I standing here with grease under my fingernails a couple of scanners and dollar after dollar wrapped up in diagnostic information? Oh, that's right… I'm an auto mechanic; I fix cars for a living. You know, I'll bet this guy gets up in the morning and goes to work too. But for some reason some people don't make the connection between paycheck and the automotive mechanic. I've even been told that I make more than they do, and that isn't right. Really? So my choice of professions should be offset with your choice of income? Let's not go there people… I guess they never heard of overhead costs, equipment costs, payrolls, etc… etc… etc….

Each time this fella would ask about the linkage, the wiper motor, or the blades he eventually would come back to the shear pin again. Around and around it went. I wasn't budging or offering any free advice and neither was he. I finally told the guy, "Look, I'm not looking at your car for free, and I don't feel it's my place to tell you how to fix it… this is what I do for a living you know."

"Oh, I understand, I wouldn't ask you to do it for nothing… but what do you think, replacing the shear pin would fix it right?"

Do I need to write this down for this guy? I know I'm past the 3^rd time of telling him… there is no shear pin, and NO, I don't think he understands that I charge to fix cars. I can't get it through this knuckle head's skull. I'll fix the darn thing in the parking lot with one turn of a wrench, if this guy would stop trying to insult my profession by asking me to tell him how to make the repairs vs. my getting paid to do the same.

I guess he finally realized I wasn't going to solve his shear pin problem with a conversation in the front office. Out the door and down the road he went. A few days later he was back, book in hand with the pages marked.

"There's no shear pin in this wiper linkage. But I still don't see the problem," he tells me, "Can you fix it? I brought the book for you, I even marked the pages."

"I'll write it up and have it done in just a bit. You can wait in the lobby for it."

He agreed, and I went straight to work. It took me longer to fill out the invoice than it did to tighten the nut on the wiper arms. I marked the page that showed the nut and how it held down the wiper arms for him. Hopefully, he'll understand the repair now. Oh don't worry, I "did" charge him for my time, not much mind you… I wanted to prove to this guy that it takes more than a book to fix a car these days. (Even though this didn't take a whole lot of brain power to solve this simple wiper problem.)

Every now and then this old timer will come back to the shop. He does the same thing over and over each time. He'll try to solve the problem with his own logic, and then get frustrated with me because I won't tell him how he can fix it at home. A few days go by; he'll cool off and leave me the car. You'd think once, twice, maybe three times of my telling him, he'd get the idea… but no……………………………………..

He'll keep repeating the whole process… over and over again.

As always these stories are here for your enjoyment and before final editing. Your comments are a part of the process to tell which stories make it to the editors desk. It's your comments that help decide which stories actually get into my columns across the country.

Take a moment, leave a comment... it always helps.

Wacky Customer Responses

The things people will say....

Did ya ever notice some people just have an excuse for just about anything? Did ya ever notice how some people can have a quirky explanation of the problems with their cars? I sometimes wonder what some of these folks would think if they actually could understand it from my side of the counter. I've heard it all… nothing surprises me anymore. (Or at least I think I have.) So, I thought I would jot down some of the wacky problem descriptions and customer requests I've heard over the years. For those who work on my side of the repair counter… see how many of these you've heard before.

Here's a few of my all time favorites:

"I've got a shortage in my car." (What are you short of?)

"I drive my car a lot, and it does this every day; last time was a month ago."

"My car, it's going to blow up… I heard it ticking."

"Every time I shut my car off, it won't start."

"My valve stems won't stay aligned."

"The tail lights went out on my car." I answer, "When did you notice they were out?" They'll answer, "At night."

"My brother used to be a mechanic, so he knows everything."

"It's not intermittent; I know it does it sometimes."

"I don't want this car to last forever, I just want this one to last long enough until I can afford one that will."

"I only drove the car a few miles since I left your place, so it's still under warranty." (Funny, we always record the odometer when a car comes in the shop… hmmm, seems like this mile is about… 5000 + miles long…)

"I can't afford the repair, so just fix what's broke."

2 weeks after a customer has called, they arrive at the shop and tell you… "I'm the guy who called yesterday."

"I'm not in a hurry for it." (A sign they'll be calling in less than a half hour to check on it.)

"I have a relay switch going bad." (So which is it, a relay or a switch? Can a relay switch be going good?)

"I need to pick it up today." (Closing time comes along, and they are nowhere to be found.)

"I lost my voltage in the car." (Well… go find it…!)

On Wednesday they drop the car off and tell me, "It only acts up on a Tuesday."

"Is it cheaper if I help?"

A lady drove up to the door, came into the office and said, "I can't have you fix my car right now, I'll have to come back… I'm waiting on a call from the aliens." (There's no way I could make this stuff up! I had never met this lady before, and she never came back. I guess the aliens got her!)

"I don't care what it costs, just fix it." (Sure ya do…)

"My car is having issues."

"I'll have to wait on it, even if it takes you all night to fix it."

"Here's a 10 spot, put my car ahead of that other guy's." (But the last guy gave me a 20… now what? Start a bidding war??)

"All you mechanics are alike!" (Hmm, so you've met the twins?)

"I should have learned to fix cars, so I could tell you what's wrong with it."

"I was told at the last shop that I have a controller bearing out of sync." (When you sync the bearing… what does it control?)

"You'll have to work around my dog, he stays in the car."

"I already know what's wrong with it; I don't need you to tell me what's wrong." I ask, "So what's wrong with it?" Their answer… "I don't know…"

"I sued the last mechanic who worked on my car."

"Call me when you're not busy. I'll bring it then, so you can get right to my car." (I wouldn't be sitting by the phone waiting for that call…)

"My car goes, chug, chug, chug, pippity pop, pop… and that's just to get the driver's door open. You should hear it when I start the car." (More door noise or the engine???)

"You don't expect me to pay for that? Do you?"

"I could have fixed that myself, if I knew what was wrong with it."

"I want to speak to the mechanic who worked on the car. Oh you did? Then I want to speak to your boss, oh, you're the boss, well then I want to speak to the owner. Oh, you're the owner, then I want to speak to someone in charge."

"I saw smoke coming out of my vents, so I poured water down them. Now when I turn on the blower motor it gurgles in the car. Did I do that?"

"What kind of guarantee can you give me that I won't be back?" (And here I was thinking I wanted repeat customers… this one I just don't know about…)

"Are you busy now? No… I'll be right over."… 3 days later… "I'm here"

"Here's the keys. It's the blue one sitting out front." (There is only one car out front… and it's blue…)

"So everything is working now, and I'm not going to have any problems with my car ever again… right?" (Dangerous question to answer yes to)

If this doesn't fix it, can you recommend a better repair shop?"

Ah yes, never a dull moment at the repair shop, that's for sure. Oh, there's more wacky comments I could add… but I think I'd run out of room to write them down. I'd like to think each and every one of us at some point in time said something stupid to a service person… I know I have, and I'm sure with my wacky sense of humor they'd be talking about it for a long, long time. You know, ya just gotta laugh at the comments after awhile. You can't take it seriously, or you'll just drive yourself crazy. Next time you get somebody at the counter and they want you to take a guess at a repair rather than actually diagnose it… tell em' what I tell them. "Sure, I'll take a SWAG at it." and when they ask, "What's a SWAG?" You can tell them.

"Scientific Wild Ass Guess" … Best diagnostic short cut I've found to lighten the tension in the front office. Hey, they ain't the only ones who can use some wacky terminology… I can too.

You Want Fries With That?

I often wonder if some people think car repair is like a fast food drive up restaurant. They must be thinking it is, because it's the only way to explain their actions and questions at the front desk. I've even had people pull in front of the shop or right in front of a bay door (blocking any progress I was making) and expect me to do whatever it is right then and there.

Where in the history of auto repair did this ever get started?

Some of these "hurry-up-get-it-done-now" people just don't get it. They seriously think there is a magical scanner that will not only diagnose, but also repair their car in 15 minutes or less. Now, I pride myself on diagnosing most problems within a given time period, usually 10 minutes or less, to no more than 45 minutes for some stubborn type problems. If it takes longer than 45 minutes just to diagnose it, I'm either doing it wrong, skipped a procedure, or I've finally met my match, and it's time to go flip hamburgers for a living. But if we are talking about the actual repair … that can take a lot of time.

But as far as what it means to a service tech when somebody wants to wait while hovering over them like a vulture… well, it usually means (to me), they don't trust the technician. Maybe they just want to learn something… Really?… Learn what? How to fix their car so they don't have to bring it into the repair shop next time...? I guess that would speed things up a bit. But I'm not there to teach, I'm there to fix the car. I'd like to tell them they should go stand over the cooks and watch how they're making their next burger … yea; I can see that going over real well at the restaurant.

There is also another type of person out there that not only has a great deal of miss-trust for service people, but their personal lives are so hectic they can't slow down to watch a sunset. They expect everything in their life to snap to attention when they say go, and nobody better slow them down.

They'll wait in the lobby or waiting room for only so long, and then they'll start to pace around like a thoroughbred race horse anxious to get out of the starting blocks. First in the waiting room, then into the front of the office, finally their pacing reaches out into the parking lot, and up and down in front of the service bay doors… usually with their cell phone stuck to their head, trying to find another repair shop in the area that can "get-to-it" quicker than I can.

By the time the pacing has reached the service bay level, the waiting is usually over, and they'll come up with some excuse like, "I just need to check on a few things across town. I'll be back in an hour or so" or "I forgot something at home, I'll be right back. Save me a spot OK?" Sure … you forgot something … Oh don't worry, I've saved a special spot just for you.

Now really, do ya think I just fell of the proverbial turnip truck just yesterday? I guess you think you've come up with this grandiose idea of how to graciously back out of waiting all by yourself, and nobody has ever tried that line on me before. Right, you keep thinking that… … and of course, they never make it back… they're gone… gone for good.

My wife will always tell me, "One car at a time, honey." I know, I know… it still bugs me that people can't be patient. I guess I'll never understand.

Maybe what I should do is buy an old fast food restaurant with a drive up window, and set up a menu board with a selection of different types of auto repairs on it with prices clearly marked. Forget diagnosing cars, forget verifying complaints, and just fix whatever they order through that scratchy sounding intercom. I'd do all the money transactions at the first window, and then motion them onto the next window where a team of techs would jump out with little paper hats on and go at it with the speed of a pit crew. Wrenches flying, impacts at the ready, timing belts flying through the air and landing in the engine with every tooth precisely in place, and… before you know it… the car is back on the road.

Wow, what an idea…

Rush, rush, rush, rush… hurry, hurry, hurry… that's what it's really all about. I'm rushed enough anymore, I don't need any help from a cell phone carrying customer pacing in front of my service bays. It should be pretty simple to understand if all the bays are full and people are busy it's more than likely you're going to have to wait. You know, we all can't be first in line… quit shoving; you'll get your turn.

What's really funny, well sort of funny… is the car in question isn't even in the service bay yet. We haven't even begun to see the fun we'll be having with Mr. or Mrs. Hurryup especially when you finally get it diagnosed and you tell them it's going to take a few hours to fix their car.

I'd like to think I can help anyone who comes to my door, but you know, I've been at this a long time. I know better. Trying to please everyone is never going to be possible. I'm better off standing at the front desk and taking down their information and when they tell me… "I need this done right now!" I'm going to answer them with;

"Do you want fries with that?"

and see what kind of response I get then.

Earning Respect at the Parts Store

When your actions can affect their reaction

I started my shop like a lot of other guys in the auto business. Not a lot of startup capital, a hand painted sign, a box of tools, and a dream. Boy, was that a long time ago. I still have the tools, but the hand painted sign is long gone. One thing I didn't have was any track record of paying my bills with the parts stores. People knew of me, but not well enough to put a lot of trust into my business just yet. Believe me, it was a struggle to get things started.

I was buying parts from any local parts store or warehouse that would let me. A lot of the parts stores wouldn't even give me a line of credit, and others would only give me one week or so on credit. So every Monday I would have to make good on the parts I had bought the week before. I can't blame them; it's quite a risk for parts store to let their products go out the front door to an unknown without any track record.

I wanted to do whatever it took to make my new business thrive. Back then I would do as much as I could in the way of in-house repairs, or rebuild as many components as possible. In fact, a lot of the components back then could be taken apart and rebuilt. (Not like the glued together components we see today.) I would rebuild switches, window motors, starters, alternators, or anything else that I could take apart and replace internal components on. It wasn't long after I opened that I ran into a little problem with one of my suppliers. It was on an IC-type Delco alternator that had a bad rectifier in it. Simple repair, I could knock this job out in no time.

I ordered a new one from my supplier, and got to work tearing the alternator down to install the new rectifier. Once I had it back together again, I installed it back onto the car. As soon as I reached for the battery clamp and touched it to the battery, Z-ZAPP! Sparks flew in every direction. What the…!?!? What did I just do??

I disconnected everything I just put together. With the alternator disconnected the problem was gone. I must have screwed up…or at least that's what I was thinking at the time. Guess I'll take the whole thing apart and check my work. I went through the alternator with a fine toothed comb. Nothing looked wrong; everything was in its proper place. I got out the ohm meter and started checking things. Sure enough, the rectifier was the culprit. The diodes inside the rectifier that I just bought were installed from the factory … … … backwards! I called the supplier and told them the situation.

I'm busy explaining to the parts store what I found out, but I could tell something else was wrong besides the rectifier. It was me, let's face it, I was young, a new shop owner (only in business a few months) with no track record, and nothing more than my word that the part was bad. The big problem was getting the part store convinced that I wasn't just another idiot with a box of wrenches trying to run a repair shop. I'm sure that's what they were thinking. I'll bet they've seen a lot of shops come and go … and there's no doubt I probably sounded like another "wanna-be" shop owner to them.

I went into great detail how I discovered the backwards diodes, but what did you expect, I'm still that green kid with a multi-meter… they didn't believe a word of it. I had to buy a second one. Because it was an electrical part, and of course… I must have screwed it up, and as their store policy was "No return on electrical parts", I'll have to eat the first one, unless I can prove it was faulty. Their reasoning was simple, although buying extra parts wasn't in my budget at all.

I have to agree with the parts store though, it doesn't take much to screw up an electrical part by an amateur installing it wrong, I might have been new at this shop ownership, but this wasn't the first time I installed a rectifier in a GM alternator. I knew what I was doing… I just had to gain their respect and confidence.

When the replacement part showed up I checked it "before" installing it. Well, what do ya know, this one is backwards too. I called them back again, and now they were even more suspicious. Since I was the "new" guy on the block, I think they wanted to be sure about my results first. This time they sent another one down to me, and had me check it while the parts driver waited (I think they wanted to see if I was actually testing them)…..same thing again, it was backwards also.

That's when I told them that I thought they had an entire order of these rectifiers built wrong, and to send me a different brand. There again, I'm the new guy, it's another case of "I have to buy another one." On their fourth trip to my shop the parts store brought one from a different manufacturer and this one checked out perfectly. In order to get my money back on the faulty ones, they had to send them back to their supplier and have it verified, before they could get their money back and of course my money back too. Unfortunately this took awhile.

That was many, many, years ago. These days it's a little easier for me to return an electrical part if I need to. I very, very seldom ever do. My track record speaks for itself. Years later that same part store and I are old pals. The store has changed owners several times, but some of the same counter people are still there. Anytime they have a question on an electrical issue they'll usually call me first. I guess I've earned their trust, their respect, and their admiration. In fact, I've helped bail them out of a few situations too.

I look at it this way, we have to provide some amount of trust in everything we do in life or business. Whether that trust is directed to a customer or a supplier, you still need to gain their confidence. Just because you think you know something… doesn't make you right… ya still have to prove it.

Thanks for reading "Gonzo's Toolbox" these stories are here before anyone else sees them. Final editing and actual publication depends a lot on your comments. Not all my stories make it out there into print, but you can help decide which do. Leave a comment and let me know what you think of it. It really makes a difference. Thanks again to ASO Gonzo

LET'S MAKE A DEAL

You know everyone wants a deal, something cheaper, something "thrown in" to sweeten the pot. Money (as always) is always the driving force, and I don't think that will ever change. A deal is a deal, but if you can't make a deal… well, then, deal with it.

One bright morning, a mid-90's Subaru showed up at the shop on the back of a wrecker. It's one of my regular customer's young teenager's car. The phone rang, it was the dad, Oh, and did he have a story to tell… a real whopper of a story.

"My son told me he was driving along when the car bumped the curb and flattened two tires. I haven't seen the car, but my son said there wasn't any real damage. So, I don't think it should take you very long to get it back on the road. Do what you can, and call me with the estimate."

I only saw the driver's side of the car when the tow truck pulled up. The tow driver came in and tells me, "Wherever you put this, you won't be able to move it again. You'll have to drag it or put it on "dollies", it's pretty messed up. If I were you, I'd stick it directly on the lift."

Ok, ya got me, no real damage aye? But, the tow driver tells me differently… now I've got to go look for myself.

No real damage? Hmmm, let's see…the whole passenger side of the car looks like someone tried to peel the sheet metal off with a can opener. Underneath the car was even worse. The upper and lower passenger side control arms are bent. The wheel, spindle, and tire are sitting on the oil pan area. The sway bar looks like a pretzel, both rims on the passenger side are beyond reuse, the tires are torn apart and shards of rubber are peeling off of the steel belts, and the transmission has been ripped off its mounts.

Yea, you're right……he just bumped the curb……..yea sure he did. Looks more like he rode the edge of the curb like a bucking bronco for a long-long way. My guess is somebody was trying to drift around corners or slide it sideways with the emergency brake on, and probably took out every bus stop, park bench, and light pole for a block or two. Ok, the tow driver gets a "thumbs up" on this one; let's put it on the lift.

I told the customer what I had found and the estimate for the repair, and as always I let him know about any "hidden" problems that might be lurking under all this stuff. He was not as shocked as I thought he would be even after I gave him the price for all the work that needed done, but definitely concerned. He kept hinting around as to what I thought might have caused the problem.

From the conversation on the phone he was hoping I would say something like… mechanical failure, slick road conditions, defective part, or something like that. The farthest thing in his mind was that the kid might be the problem. I told him what I thought had happened, he didn't want to believe it, but he was going to check into to it. In the mean time, order the parts and start getting it ready to get back on the road.

Several days later all the parts showed up, and I could get a better idea of the damage with parts that weren't bent like a pretzel. It wasn't long before I found a few more flaws in the little "Scooby-do", nothing major but the kind of thing that should be replaced. The extra parts were just a few brackets that were bent, but I knew dad's pocket book was getting tight.

His main concern now was how much I was willing to chew off the original bill to help him out, and to my surprise he confirmed my suspicions as to what caused the accident. Oh yea, the kid was trying to drift the Subaru. (DAH! Now how do ya drift a front wheel drive car… ah, slide with the e-brake???)

Now I can do a lot of things, and lower repair costs in order to save the customer money is one of them. Money, or not, I think there is a lesson to be learned here. I thought it was appropriate to make a small request to good old dad. If he wanted a cut on the price of the job, then let's make a deal.

"You bring the little ridge runner to the shop dressed for work. He can earn his keep and save you a few bucks in the process. Maybe even take a different approach to driving in the future," I told the dad.

My customer was a little taken back by my deal to save him some money, but it sounded like a good idea. Now his only job was to get the lad down to the shop ready to fulfill his part of the bargain.

Work stopped until I heard back from him. In the mean time, the car is stuck on the lift with no wheels and only half a suspension. With a service bay tied up, it's starting to cost me money. 2 days go by, then 4 more, another week and still no answer.

Finally on a Monday morning when I reached the point where I wasn't going to wait any longer… the dad calls, "Just fix it, and call me when it's ready. My son doesn't want to do it, and I'm not having much luck in getting him to your shop to help at all. So I guess I'll have to deal with the cost of the repair instead."

A little different deal than I expected. Well, a deal is a deal. I'll handle my end of the bargain, and old dad has decided on how to handle his. There's an old saying that comes to mind, it goes like this; "If you want to save a dollar … do the job yourself, but if you have to pay someone else to do it… don't ask for cheap work, unless you're willing to share the cost in some way."

After another day of getting everything back into place the car was ready for the road again. Sure there are few battle scars still showing, but mechanically the car is in great shape. That only leaves one more deal that's not quite finished.

… … the father needs to deal with the son. . . .

As always, these stories are here before final editing and publication. (You'll find the edited version in several trade magazines across the country.) Your feedback here at ASO helps me decide which stories go to the editors. So, in a way, YOU, actually decide which stories are sent to publication. I really appreciate your comments. Gonzo

Tweaker

I was busy with the morning paper work when the front door swung wide open, as if a strong wind had just come up. A fumbling young lad comes bolting through the door like a linebacker. Two steps into the lobby and he trips over his own two feet, stumbles and manages to catches himself with his chin on the bar stool at the front counter. He took a few seconds to compose himself, then pops up straight and tall, and does a full body shake like a dog after a bath.

"Hi, how u doin'?" he says, still adjusting his jacket from the collision with the bar stool.

Quite a first impression, don't ya think? Trying to keep my composure I answered, "Just fine, you need some help there, buddy?"

"My truck, you know… that red one out there in the parking lot."

Now, I've heard some stories in my time, but this guy had a good one. His Chevy truck problems seemed to run the gauntlet of weirdness. One blank work order wasn't enough to write it all down. I ran out of room rather quickly and resorted to a yellow legal pad. It was turning into a full blown novel.

It's the headlights, no… it's the blower motor, no not that either, it's the wipers, oh, wait a minute it's the transmission… wait, wait… the door locks. Nope, must be the engine, could be the radio, shucks no… it's the HVAC. I can't tell. The more he talked the more I kept writing. I wasn't sure if he was only adding as many things as possible so he could get it ALL looked at one time, or he was just making stuff up as he went along. I don't even know if he was keeping track of what he was actually talking about. It didn't matter… the weirdness got even weirder.

"They've been tweaking my truck," he tells me.

"Tweaking? What do you mean by "tweaking" and who was doing the "tweaking?" I said. (Bewildered and confused, but I had to ask.)

"The guys who stole my truck, they were tweaking it."

"Sorry to hear it was stolen. Did the cops get it back for you?"

"No, I found it."

"That's super, where did ya find it?"

"At my friend's house, I pulled it back to my apartment with my motorcycle." (I would have loved to have seen that!)

This keeps getting stranger and stranger. My legal pad was filling up. I gave up writing things down, and decided I'm just going to listen to this debacle for awhile, see where it leads. You know, sometimes I think there should be a psychiatrist on call for people like this. I think this stumbling-motorcycle-towing-tweaker needs a little tweaking of his own.

"So …," I'm hesitant to ask, "You want me to "un-tweak" the truck?"

"No, I need you to tweak it better. You can do that right?"

Now exactly what this guy is referring to is still a mystery to me. At this point, I think Mr. Tweaker has gone from just plan nuts to certifiable.

Not only did none of it make sense, but this guy didn't even want anything fixed. No seriously, he didn't…. Because, oh you'll love this… all of the systems he mentioned … WORK! Everything was fine; what he really wanted was his truck to be better than factory. The stolen part was as bogus as the rest of his story; he was using that as an excuse to gain an advantage over his insurance company. Oh sure, the car was at his buddy's house, and I think he did tow it back, but after talking to him it sounded like he owed his buddy some money for doing some repairs. ("Tweaking" I guess.)

Not only was his suggestion of claiming it stolen questionable, old "Tweakie" forgotten a few important steps to his master plan. He didn't file a police report, notify his insurance company or… pay his last premium. (He told me that after I informed him his plan wasn't going to work.) So not only was his little caper to turn his truck into a Chevy pickup on steroids by "tweaking" the factory specs an idiotic plan, but his method of paying for the whole thing was completely illegal.

"Ok buddy, you're done here. You can take your truck and head down the road. I can't help you with your silly little adventure. You've got more issues than I care to deal with, and most of them are not with your truck."

He stood at the counter for awhile as if he was in shock. Blinking several times like he was staring at a bright light, then shook his head as if he just took a huge shot of 100 proof Scotch… stared at me some more, then looked at me as if I was the crazy one. He stepped straight backwards into the same bar stool he just hit his chin on. With some not so graceful moves he spun around the bar stool, clanking his shoes against the legs, and made his way to the lobby door.

I stood there about to break into uncontrollable laughter watching this klutz fumble with the front door trying to figure out which side would swing it open. When he did get it right, he threw the door open with all his might, swinging the door wide, and glared at me as he barged through the opening, only to have the door swing back at him nearly smacking him in the head.

After jumping into his truck he backed out of the parking space and dropped the clutch to lay some rubber. The tires gave a quick little chirp just before the truck stalled. Then I heard… crank, crank … crank, crank … crank, crank… vroom!!! With the motor still coughing from the rich mixture, he crept away from the shop bucking and jerking till the engine cleared its throat, and then drove out of sight down the road.

Oh, the wonders of the automotive driving public in this world we live in will never cease to amaze me. I hope there are a few more "tweakers" out there who haven't made it to my shop yet … do me a favor… stop on by… I really enjoy a good comical start for a morning once in awhile.