Mr. I Don’t Know

Automotive repair has its ups and downs, just like any other trade does. Problems crop up on a car and mechanics fix them. There usually are only four types of repairs.

One - Where something has failed due to normal wear and tear or accident related.

Two - A manufacturer defect.

Third – Mother Nature’s lends a hand, either from natural elements or one of Mother Nature’s numerous friends, i.e.… bugs, deer, snakes, rodents, etc....

Fourth - The most common one, and regrettably sometimes the hardest to solve … somebody has worked on it before without knowing what they were doing.

You can sort out these different types of repairs at the front desk when a new customer arrives to drop their car off. It just takes asking the right questions. Most people when asked a few basic questions like; “What brings you here today?” or “What seems to be the problem with the car?” are generally straight forward with their answers. They’re usually very cordial, friendly, and quite sympathetic to the car’s condition and to the mechanic they are entrusting their pride and joy to for repair. Sometimes they’re just repeating what the last shop told them was wrong with, but that’s OK, it just might take a few more questions to get on the right diagnostic page. It doesn’t take long before you know what kind of repair you’re getting into. But, like anything else… there are extremes.

Two fellas walked up to the front desk and were met with the customary hellos and what brings you here today type of greetings. They seemed like nice guys, nothing out of the ordinary, but instead of answering with a description of their problem it was, “I don’t know.” It kind of threw me for a second, but I gathered my thoughts and proceeded with the typical evaluation questions to see if I could get an idea as to why they were here.

“Does it drive differently than it used to, or is there any warning lights on?”

“No.”

“Is this something to do with it not starting?”

“I don’t know.”

Just to lighten up the situation, I tried joking around a bit to see if it brought out a different type of response, “Do you need wheel bearings or a battery? Maybe the wipers aren’t working? I’m running out of ideas here fellas, how about some hints as to what might be wrong with the car?”

“It has a problem.”

“What kind of problem?”

“I don’t know.” (I asked for that response, didn’t I?)

“Well, I need some clues as to what part or section of the car that isn’t working correctly. It’s not like I can check everything. Well, I could, but that would be rather expensive.”

“I don’t want to spend any money.”

“Then why are you here?”

“The other shop said you could fix my problem.”

“That part I can do… I can fix just about any problem… BUT, what is the problem?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can I call the other shop and ask them? What’s the name of the other shop?”

“I forgot their name.”

This went on for what seemed hours. Back and forth with the “I don’t knows” and not once did I get any idea as to what I was supposed to be looking at. It didn’t matter if I mentioned something about the check engine light or whether or not his bumpers were on straight it was the same answer. “I don’t know.”

I got a feeling this other shop that he unfortunately forgot not only the name of but where they were in town sent this guy my way just so they didn’t have to deal with him anymore. (At least it seemed that way.) This whole situation was getting way too bizarre even for my wacky standards. Time to send these guys packing.

“Sir if and when you finally decide on what needs repaired and realize no matter what is wrong with it that you’ll being spending a few bucks to get it tested and repaired then and only then bring the car back. Since that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen today I’ll have ask you to leave because I have other customer’s vehicles in the shop that have problems and who are willing to pay for my services. You’ve wasted enough of my time already.

“So, you’re not going to fix my car?”

“No.”

“Why is that?”

(My turn) “I don’t know.”

With that the guy and his buddy headed out the front door and drove off. Haven’t seen them again since. Just goes to show, if the information from the customer doesn’t lead in any direction or there isn’t any clues that a good detective/technician can use as a guide in finding a solution and they’re not willing to pay for your services… it’s time to move on.

This was an extreme situation to say the least. Even in some of those real odd ball problem descriptions it does get pretty tough to find the right questions to ask in order to get the root of the problem, but it can be done. Sometimes just getting the customer to tell you the important facts can be harder than repairing the car.

How often has this happened before and will it happen again? Hmm, let me think on that for a second. How about I give you my best professional answer on that one… … … “I don’t know”.

Mechanic’s Eye

When your livelihood is primarily working with your hands, they become an extension of your eyes. Feeling around corners, finding odd placed bolts, and examining the area where your eyes can’t reach are all part of the job requirement in the automotive field. Learning to “see” with the tips of your fingers is a trait every seasoned mechanic is familiar with. Being able to place an open end wrench into a cavity, and only use the tip of one finger to locate the nut or bolt are just some of the ways mechanics for generations have solved, or perhaps cut the hours on a job.

The mechanic’s eye isn’t just at the tip of his fingers; it’s the ability to reason through a problem, and come up with a solution that will get the job done faster and more efficiently than what is described in the service manuals. If mechanics always followed the engineering instructions on how things needed to be removed or replaced, there’s a good chance a lot of repairs would have been slowed to a crawl. As a mechanic, I appreciate the efforts of all those dedicated engineers, but in the field some things work better when we, (mechanics)… well… let’s say… cut a few corners.

I don’t like to call them “short-cuts”, they do save time in most cases, but it’s more of a way of examining a problem and figuring out the easiest solution. There are several reasons for all of this fuss. In some instances it’s to avoid marring the paint or finish to the car, or causing more problems with the number of other unrelated components that need to be removed. I, for one never like those jobs that require the mechanic to disassemble an entire section of the car just to change one component. Finding ways of combating these before they become issues is part of having that “mechanic’s eye”.

Here’s a simple test of your “mechanic’s eye”. Stand at a doorway where you can reach around to the opposite side of the wall. Stand close enough to the edge of the doorway trim where you can still reach both hands around the corner. Now take a bolt and nut, place the head of the bolt flat against the other side of the wall from where you are standing, and with the other hand screw on the nut. Don’t look around the corner, don’t lean around the wall… you stay on one side, the bolt and nut on the other. Can you do it? I know you’ll try it. If you have to fumble around a bit… you need some practice. If you can do it on the first try… you’ve got that mechanic’s eye for sure.

Some time ago, well… many years ago, the old Camaros had an issue with the blower motor when it came time to replace it. The blower motor was actually tucked in the far corner behind the inner fender. (Several other GM products were like this, too.) You could possibly get all the bolts and screws out of it, but it wasn’t going to come out of the hole. By proper procedure guidelines you were either to remove the fender, or the inner fender to gain access. In those days the inner fender wasn’t plastic like they are today, and it took a lot of effort to wriggle that hunk of metal out of there. So, what did the mechanic come up with? Cut an access hole into the inner fender and remove the blower that way, then make a patch for the inner fender. Soon after this became the standard practice, a patch piece was developed (I suppose by the engineering department) with detailed instruction on how to cut out the inner fender.

Nowadays, it’s plastic, plastic… and more plastic, and even more hidden components than ever before. That “mechanic’s eye” is just as important today (if not more) as it was back then. Plastic has a tendency to snap, not bend out of the way like the metal body parts of the older vehicles, which makes the job even tougher when it comes to moving things around. Just the other day I had a 2001 Cadillac in that wouldn’t change from the floor vents to the defroster. It was the mode actuator acting up. From under the driver’s side of the dash I could just make out the mode actuator, but only a glimpse of it. If you look up the labor time on this job you’ll find it requires removing the entire dash out of the way. (Practically an all day job.) However, if a mechanic has some dexterity and willing to reach you can do the job in no time. You just have to have that “mechanic’s eye” to get it done. Like many of these situations, you have a pretty good idea of the location of the screws, the shape of the part, and how it comes off, but ya just can’t see the screws or the part. You’ve got to trust the end of your fingers, as your mind’s eye puts the puzzle together.

After taking the three screws out that secure the actuator to the housing, the only thing left to do is remove the radio and use that opening as a way to pry the old actuator off of the housing using a large, flat screw driver. Mind you, the tension on which part of the plastic parts, and where you are placing the tip of the screw driver is all done by feel. Is this technique by the book? Nope. Can it be done? Yep. Just takes that mechanic’s eye on the tip of your finger to do it.

There are so many examples of reaching into an engine cavity or behind a dash that it’s impossible to list them all. Any seasoned tech can probably tell you a thousand ways they have worked on a project, and then suddenly have a “Eureka” moment of a way to simplify the repair, even though it isn’t mentioned in the step by step procedures. It could make the entire job easier, and all it took was some good old fashion ingenuity.

I’m constantly listening up for any new techniques that other mechanics have come up with to solve some sort of problem in the field. Whether it’s from an internet forum, convention, trade magazine, or emails … anything to make my job easier. The more you know, the better prepared you’ll be to tackle some of these odd problems. As a mechanic we all have the same goal in mind, “Finish a job as efficiently and as quickly as possible with the least amount of disturbance to the rest of the vehicle.” And that takes a little more than just a quick glance at a problem… that takes a mechanic’s eye.

Interrogations

Diagnosing car problems in this modern world of electronics is what I do, and I do it quite well thank you. But on occasions I'll have a customer that I've never seen before that comes up to the service counter not just to have their car repaired but to interrogate every part of my process in finding the solution. More times than not they're a referral from another repair shop or previous customer, why that is, I just don't know. I seldom get this kind of reaction from someone who has seen an advertisement or drove by the shop and stops in for repair. I know they don't mean to come across as some interrogator from the German Gestapo, but the electric shocks, brass knuckles, and bright spot lights are all that seems to separate their questions and re questioning from the interrogations scenes in those old WWII movies I occasionally watch.

My guess is the customer probably went to the first shop or friend for advice, and had all intentions of that particular shop to be their primary car care facility. But, when the first shop (or friend) refers them onto another shop their suspicions as to the second shops abilities become their largest concern. I refer work all the time and I always tell the customer about the place I'm sending them to. I also tell them they shouldn't have any concerns about this other shop. I assume the other shops that refer their customer to me have probably said the same thing to them as well. (And, I'm sure this same thing happens everywhere else in the country too.)

“As a consumer myself, I tend to think when the first place referred me to the second place, the first place has trust in the second place to do the job correctly... or they wouldn't have referred them in the first place.”

That doesn't seem to be the way it works around here. As soon as they get to the counter it's as if they brought their own large spot lights, black jacks, and any other paraphernalia along to badger me into submission to their way of thinking. It's even worse when they bring “friends” as material witnesses. Now I've got to answer not just to one person but to several. I didn't know I was on trial, I thought I was gathering information on the symptoms of a car problem, not explaining Ohms law, my mechanical and electrical background, how I got started in the business, have I or am I planning to use a scanner to diagnose their car, or recalling the first wrench I ever used....!?!? (Yes... yes they have asked those very questions before.) Do ya ask this stuff of the clerk behind the counter at the grocery store? I'll bet … not... !

It reminds me of the old news reels from the 50's when they had big name actors and actress answering questions in the McCarthy hearings about their loyalty to the US government. There was one line that I'll never forget, “I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of the Communist party. These questions have no bearing on the subject at hand.” I really want to answer one of these interrogative “Gestapo” questioning sessions at the front counter with that same line... just once. Doubt I ever will, they wouldn't get the joke anyway.

The questions vary but ultimately end up meaning the same thing. “So, do you think you can fix this?” or “I was referred over here, they said you could fix this, can you? Are ya sure? Have you done this before?” Almost always this is followed up with a stack of paper work, jotted notes, and internet information dropped on the counter for me to read. Which I partially look at and tell them they can take all this stuff home, because I do have my own information and diagrams. That just leads to more interrogations. Asking all kinds of questions from, where I get my information, to how much it will cost and how long it will take. (I wonder when a patient is referred to another doctor does the second doctor have to go through this with the new patient??) And you know…, before I even get the car in the shop they have to repeat everything they just asked, told, and informed me about … … all over again. (Like I didn't get it the first time??? Believe me, I did...)

Eventually the interrogation turns to how much they already know about the problem, and how much they can help me to solve it, since their buddies have all been under the hood studying this weirdness. Which, not that it matters... isn't a concern of mine at all. I’m pretty sure I can take care of this problem myself. (You know…, I know you know… just so you know… I know, I know… you know?). Furthermore, “I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of the “SAPI party” (Slap-A-Part-In party) and these questions have no bearing on this subject.”

“Well, I just need you to check it out, and not spend a lot of money on finding the problem. Because we've (The owner and his brewskie friends) already spent so much time on it that if it gets too expensive to find out what is wrong, I'm not going to get it fixed,” they'll tell me.

Here's something to think about; Any good mechanic/technician out there if given the symptoms, the diagrams, and the needed tools can solve any problem on a car. The biggest question is time, money, and parts. Just because the novice hasn't figured out anything beyond where the gas goes in and where the exhaust comes out doesn't mean the modern mechanic doesn't understand everything else that is going on in between. This is a highly skilled trade not just a bunch of guys and gals that learned “lefty loosey-righty tighty”. We do know how to repair this stuff, and chances are it won't take a trained mechanic very long to sort it out.

It just makes my job harder when I have to deal with these interrogators. Always questioning what I'm doing, always trying to answer their own problems with their own brand of logic. (Garbage in... garbage out.) Someday I'd like to reverse the interrogations a bit. Set up a small desk and a single chair in the middle of the lobby, shine a bright light right at them, and ask them a series of pointless questions.

Every job has potential problems; every aspect of car repair is no different. There are a lot different types of car repairs that other repair shops refer to other shops. In the business, we (mechanics and shop owners) all know who's the best in town for certain types of work. That's why we refer work from one shop to another. If you trusted the first shop there's no reason to doubt their ability in referring you to another shop with the same kind of integrity. The car, we can interrogate it… we can make it talk; just leave the other interrogations to those WWII movies.

They Come In Threes

Good things, bad things, they just can’t show up all by themselves; not just once, hardly ever twice, nope… always in threes. At least it seems that way. Why, I don’t know… it just does, I guess. Whether it’s a great day of easy going jobs at the repair shop, or something at the house, you can almost count on the threes. It’s like there’s some sort of buddy system going on with all this chaos.

Take the other day when I got my big mower out of the garage. I always make it a habit to check the tire pressure, oil and gas before I start mowing. Sure enough, I’m low on the go juice, well… might as well fill it up, oh wait minute… that tire…it’s not low… it’s flat! Oh geez… Ok, gotta take care of that too. Oh, no… what’s this? It’s a broken stabilizer bar for the mowing deck. Now how did that happen? Sheared the bolt clean off. I’ll have to weld that back together before I go anywhere. As usual I had a few choice “words” to say about the whole thing, which brought the wife out to see what all the commotion was about. She just shook her head as she walked back inside.

After I finished mowing and put the tractor away, I couldn’t help but notice a strong fuel smell coming from it. Oh geez, the gas cap is missing. Crud, I didn’t screw it back on tight; now I’ve got to take that long slow walk through the yard trying to find the missing cap. (More grumbling and choice words again). I found the cap lying on the ground just a few feet from where I filled up. (Lucky)

Anyway, that ended the debacle at the house. It’s Monday morning again, and I’m back at the office. Cars were already lined up outside. I was expecting a pretty good turn out this morning. Based on all the calls I received the week before, I was counting on a pretty productive day. The very first job was a no start on a 2006 Chevy truck with an 8.1 liter. The scanner was my first choice, since I could hear the fuel pump hum as I turned the key. The Tech II beeps were loud and clear in the still morning air as I stood out in the parking lot gathering the information. I went straight to the service codes section … “No Codes Present”.

I thought to myself, “What in the world is going on here? No codes?”

I cranked the engine again… nothing. Ok, now what!? Back up a couple of screens to the data section and crank the engine again, this time watching the cam and crank signals. Neither budged. It’s probably a bad crank or cam sensor… or both. Might as well run back in and grab the scope to check the wave patterns, since this truck’s computer seems to think everything is just hunky-dory.

I’ll bet if this PCM could talk right now it would probably be saying something like, “Hey, what’s your problem? Everything is fine here; me (the PCM) and all the sensors are just sitting around have a good time. Don’t see what all the fuss is about.” (Stupid computer…! Doesn’t even know when it should be telling me something important. A service code would be nice right about now. But, no… that would be too easy.) Well, it did end up being the cam and crank sensor, even though that pesky PCM didn’t seem to care.

It didn’t stop there. Later, another job came in with an A/C problem. This one was a 2008 Acura. The pressure levels were good enough to kick the compressor on, but no clutch engagement. I’ll try talking to this car with a scanner. Oh, would ya look at that… it says, “Everything is fine, no codes here. Don’t know what your problem is, we’re all having a great time under the hood.” (A few choice words seemed appropriate right about now.)

This is crazy; two jobs in a row where the computer is supposed to be helping me diagnose the problem are both saying there is no problem? A little more checking and a few more choice words I had it solved. (Had to go through the instrument control module that’s where all the A/C information was at. The prints referred to the instrument cluster as the “Instrument Control Module”. As if checking for an A/C signal by way of the cluster wasn't confusing enough already, you had to go and rename the dang thing.) It turned out to be bad compressor after all of that. Still no codes, though.

I thought I was done, done with all these weird problems… but no… they come in threes don’t they? Now it’s this 1998 Chevy van’s turn. This van had the propensity to shift all the way to high gear, before it even passed 30mph. It wasn’t a harsh shift, it wasn’t a slip… it just shifted super-fast. My buddy Jeff, over at the transmission shop checked it out earlier, and determined that it was an electrical problem. This didn’t sound easy to diagnose… but like Jeff said, “If it was easy, I wouldn’t be bringing it to you.” (Remind me to thank you later, Jeff.)

The first thing I did after a test drive was scan it. Oh please…not again… are you kidding me? It’s another no codes present scenario. I swear I heard a little snicker from this van’s computer.

As if it was saying, “Don’t know what to tell ya, we’re all fine in here.” (You know there are times I think those little electrons are just laughing at me.) At this point I’m thinking an internal computer glitch, but I better play it safe and try to recalibrate, or at least see if there’s an update for the PCM. There was, so I downloaded the info into the van’s PCM.

Another drive test… no change. Codes? … Seriously you thought there would be codes? NOT! After removing the PCM it wasn’t hard to spot the water damage inside the unit. After installing the new PCM a code popped up. Wow… a code? A real code! Hmm, transmission TCC solenoid. The Tech II couldn’t activate the solenoid either. I better call Jeff. By now we both had enough of this job, and after a brand new (not reman’d) PCM was installed, neither one of us were thinking it could be a bad computer… must be the solenoid. But, it wasn’t the TCC solenoid; it was the brand new computer. (Choice words again… they seem to be popping up more frequently, have ya noticed?). Another computer, another reprogram, (Third time programming the same van, by the way) … finally… everything is working.

What should I expect next? Maybe some more brand new “bad” parts? Maybe it’s Jeff’s turn for wacky repairs. Maybe … it’s another lawnmower fiasco? Maybe I should start triple checking things instead of double checking. Who knows? But, like my buddy Jeff tells me, “Whatever it is… good or bad. They come in threes you know.”

Smoke Signals

I've been to numerous lectures, classes, and seminars on advanced automotive training. These classes not only show a technician the ins and outs on the latest systems, but also the technical skills needed to properly diagnose and repair today’s cars. I consider it a must for any diagnostic or line mechanic to attend these events. You’ll learn so much from them. But there is one side of the business that doesn't get any class time, (at least none that I've found.) and that’s how to deal with the complexities of what’s behind the steering wheel… the driver. That, I'm afraid, is something that only comes with experience. A lot of times the owner can be harder to diagnose than the car. So I pay attention to anything that might be of potential help in diagnosing the car, or that will help me figure out what angle the owner is up to.

Any given day at the shop I can find instances where reading the signals is just as important as performing the repairs. I've had all kinds of crazy smoke blown in my face after running a repair shop for so long. From a guy who wanted me to back date his invoice for two years ago. (Puff, puff… the smoke is in the air.) That way he could avoid paying any penalties for not getting the car tagged. Ha! Nope! Ain't happenin’! To a lady who searched through the city business owners records at the court house, so she could find my home address and bring her car over to me at 2 o’clock in the morning…. Because it was making this strange sound, but she didn't want anyone to know she was driving such an old beater. Seems she was trying to keep up with high society, but wasn't doing such a good job of it. Going to the shop during business hours made her vulnerable to her rich friends’ prying eyes. Yes, there were some smoke signals to pay attention to… (Could be what she’s smoking ?)….and no, I don’t fix cars at 2 am especially at MY own house!

Another good example was this couple who came in with a 25 year old Cadillac that they had taken to several different independent shops and to the dealer as well. All I heard was how much they spent, how much things costs, and how it never got repaired. The more they told me, the more the smoke signals grew. They clearly didn't understand how their car works, or cared to learn how it works, or paid any attention to anyone with said knowledge of how it works. Their mind was made up as to what was wrong.

First thing they told me was how the dealer was too expensive, and how they had been given a laundry list of things that needed repaired. Instead of deciding which was the most important or the most critical to repair they stuck to their own homemade diagnoses; … Every problem with the car was related to one thing. But, they didn't know what the one thing was… that’s why they brought it to the dealer. (The smoke is getting pretty thick right about now.) They expected the dealership to wave their magic wand and all would be perfect again. (Didn't know the dealership had one of those... gotta get one for myself.) My guess is that these folks have been misled somewhere in the past, and now they aren’t buying any answers from anyone.

Some of the issues could be related to a no start condition, like... the bad battery, faulty starter, loose clamps, or even the factory security systems not working, while other problems were a result of age and poor maintenance. The car wasn't in pristine condition, as they led me to believe. I would say it was more like barely hanging together, and that’s only because the rest of the bolts haven’t fallen out yet.

From one shop to the next, on and on their story went. To make matters worse things like the alternator and the starter motor were of such low quality that their condition was always in question. Now I've got to explain to the owners not only the difference in the quality of parts, but how lumping all these problems from the squeaking driver’s door to the front end rattle are not related to each other, but are separate problems. (I’m seeing smoke far off in the distance… troubles comin’.)

By now the smoke signals are telling me, “You will see this car again... and they are NOT going to be happy customers.” A few weeks later, I was right, and an aggravated owner called to give me an earful, “It's doing the same thing.”

Once the car was back in the shop it was clear it wasn't doing the “same thing”, but was another one of those long lines of issues that needed attention. I've gotta admit, I did expect it though. Those smoke signals were very clear that I would have another clash with this couple. Eventually, after a rather lengthy Powwow the smoke did clear, and all is well now.

There’s no doubt these smoke signals come in all kinds of various ways. Sometimes it's an old customer that you've known for years. They saunter up to the service desk, and tell you they took their car to another shop, but after spending a ton of money the other shop couldn't fix it. Now they’re back to have you take a look at it.

I'll ask, “Why didn't you bring it here in the first place?”

Their answer, “I was trying to save some money on the car repair. Some guy (there's that some guy again) told me this other shop had pretty good luck fixing this sort of stuff, and they were cheap, too. But now I paid them for all these parts that they put on, and it still doesn't work.” (??? “LUCK” ??? Seriously, that’s this cheap shops niche? Luck? I guess analyzing, diagnosing, and correcting the problem isn't part of their business strategy. He’s lucky I don’t have smoke coming out of my ears!) There’s a huge billowing smoke signal in the air on this one. It’s saying, “I don’t have enough spare cash to fix my car correctly, so I was gambling on the results at the cheaper shop… and I lost.”

It does take a bit of effort to read between the smoke and haze sometimes. But, doing so, you might find yourself better prepared, or in a better frame of mind to deal with the next situation. Classes are great to teach a tech. how to do this job, but life itself can teach a lot more about the people around you. It’s when those smoke signals are saying … “There’s a Loose Nut Behind The Wheel” … you’ll be glad you paid attention to the signs.

No Pain, No Gain

Pain is a great motivator to seek medical attention. I should know… a few weeks ago I had a kidney stone crying to get out. OK, it wasn't the kidney stone that was crying. One tiny pebble of discomfort turned me into a complete basket case. That macho-tough guy exterior I thought I have (had) completely vanished when I was in the emergency room, curled up into the fetal position moaning and groaning. Man… that is without a doubt the worst pain I've ever felt. I've had a few broken bones, cuts, minor burns, a surgery or two, but nothing compared to the agony of a kidney stone.

They gave me two shots of morphine, just so I could lie down long enough to run me through a CAT scan. That way they could get an idea of the size of the stone, to determine if surgery was necessary or not. It didn't even begin to knock the pain down. But, the third wiz-bang shot did the trick. Oh yea…I’m in Happyville now…there’s little blue birds singing cheerfully and fluttering about, pink flowers floating in the air, and little fairies dancing around my head with wisps of shiny stars following them. Kind of like those Disney movies I sat through with my daughters, and later my granddaughters. (Bambi and/or a kidney stone will bring a tear every time). It was several hours before I could go home, but the pain and the kidney stone did pass. (Thank goodness)

I wanted to relate this experience to cars, but I didn't know what angle to approach it at. Then it came to me…it’s the pain… or the lack of… that dictates car repair. Obviously, cars don’t have pain like you and me, but in a different way. It’s actually vocal, and not a “physical” pain. There is something to be said about a screeching belt or the teeth chattering, scraping noise from a worn out brake pad. It’ll get your attention for sure. When most people hear these strange noises coming from their car, they immediately take it into the repair shop. While others, just turn the stereo up louder. With the onset of the computer age, a car’s condition has not only become more vocal, but also visual. A check engine light and the other various warning lights could be considered as a car’s pain indicators, too. (These visual and vocal cues are just some of the ways a modern mechanic determines the condition of a vehicle.)

An old customer called me the other day to tell me her car was in pain, and was making some very strange noises. I had to laugh, because it was the first time I ever heard anyone describe their car as being in “pain”. She was serious though. She’s the kind of person who dearly loves her car, and treats it as if it was part of the family. Sure enough, it was making some awful noises. It turned out the torque converter bolts had worked loose and needed immediate attention.

“See, I told you she was sick. My little baby needs some comforting,” she said while caressing the front fender.

It was an easy fix, and it wasn't long before I had her back on the road. Her little car was out of danger. No more pain, as she liked to refer to it. Even though a car is just plastic, glass, and metal, to her it had the ability to feel pain. I’m not going to argue with that logic, it’s her car and if it feels pain, that’s OK with me. I’ll still cash the check.

But, where would the medical field be without pain as a diagnostic tool? So many symptoms and so many diagnoses are based on where or how pain is felt. What if we didn't feel pain at all? Would we ignore any obvious signs of pending problems? That is until the problem escalated into an even larger problem, or one that couldn't be ignored? Pain is our body’s way of informing us there’s something wrong. It’s our own personal “Check Engine” light. As much as I hate pain of any type… it has its reasons for being there.

As I sat in the waiting room filling out the paper work my pain threshold was reaching its limits, in the meantime, my wife handed me a pen and points, “Sign here, here, and here… oh, and twice on this page.” Quite frankly I had no idea what I was signing and couldn't care less. I didn't care what it cost, I just wanted the pain to end, and like - - Right Now! But, procedures are procedures. Even then, while trying to find a comfortable position in that waiting room chair I was still thinking about cars. A question came to mind, what if a car really could show pain? What then?

Maybe the lack of “pain” is why some people let their cars fall into such disrepair. Countless times I get a car in the shop that’s just a few years old that looks like it’s been used in a demolition derby. A quick examination under the hood shows a lot. An oil leak here, an oil soaked sensor over there, which ends up turning on the service light or perhaps creating an engine miss. Broken brackets, missing parts, poor connections, exhaust leaks… the list goes on and on. All these signs were there to let the driver know the car was having problems. The service light, the engine miss, the smell of burning oil, the rubbing inner fender, etc… but, some people would rather ignore all that and keep driving. Since the “pain” isn't directed at them personally, the warning lights and strange noises are more of a nuisance than anything else. Eventually all the warning signs aren't enough to get the message across, and the car ends up on a hook or on the back of a wrecker being towed to the repair shop.

Once the car is at the shop a different type of pain becomes apparent. It’s not the car… it’s the pain in the wallet. Unlike the ER, you’ll only get one bill from the repair shop, so you don’t have to worry about new invoices popping up in the mail from the radiologist, lab department, and so on. (Remember those papers ya signed when you were in the waiting room?)

Well, I can’t prescribe any high powered pain killers to ease the owner’s misery. I’m not a doctor, but I just might have something for their ailing car. That’s what I do… I fix (heal) cars… not people. I’ll leave people pain to the doctors and nurses. One more thing, after my little “adventure” in the ER I figured out something else, too. My pain is their financial gain. They take care of the pain, and I pay for their services. (Ugh…and how!) I guess the same can be said about the automotive repair business too. Even though there’s no physical pain involved with a car, it still hurts to pay for those repairs.

No Pain, No Gain….

Never Enough Tools

Ah, tools… one of my favorite things. Tools are what separate us from the rest of the planet’s occupants. You know, we’ve all seen some primate on a nature show use a stick to get at some food, or otters use a rock to break open an abalone shell. Chances are you might have even seen a bird that has figured out how to use a small stone to break into an egg. But, none of them can match the ability of man and his far reaching capabilities to mold his environment with his creative mind and opposable thumbs.

In a mechanic’s world tools are everything. From the roll around floor jack to the high tech scanners we use. Tools are everywhere, and most mechanics have more than a passing interest in them. There’s hardly a mechanic I know who doesn’t like taking a little break from all the grease and grime for a browse through the tool trucks. At times, just to get a glimpse of some of those shiny new wrenches in their little boxes is enough for some tool connoisseurs, while others want to collect them all. There’s a tool for every conceivable job, and as a mechanic you’ll more than likely use most of them at some point in time. Sure, once in a while you’ll lose a socket or manage to break something. All that means is another trip to the tool truck to find a replacement, and an even better chance to gaze at all the other tools you’ve just got to have.

It doesn’t take long before the investment into tools and tool storage units becomes astronomical. I know my collection has far surpassed my meager tool box. I’ve ended up with several separate tool boxes just to keep everything in order. There are things I just don’t have room for in a tool box anymore, I keep the scanners in one area, and there are shelves for all the ball joint tools, radiator pressure tools, A/C refrigerant identifiers, leak tester, compression gauges, strut removing clamps, axle bearing pullers, and the countless other specialty items I use from time to time.

Although it might seem like I’ve got every tool I’ll ever need, (the wife thinks I do) hardly so; there’s still gadgets that I don’t have… or can’t bear to spend the cash on some of those super expensive tools that you just don’t use but once in a while. So what do I do? The same thing most everyone else does in the business… you fabricate your own. I’ve got some rather creative homemade tools stashed away in a few drawers myself. Some I’ve used several times, while others were made for just one special job. One particular tool is the door alignment tool for GM trucks. The tool is really expensive, and it’s not something I need every day, but when the need arises it’s nice to be able to realign a sagging door for a customer. I made one out of a small diameter axle shaft, and with a little welding and bending, I made an exact copy of one. It works just as well as if I had bought it off of the tool truck. (Looks just like the real deal too.)

While some homemade tools were created to save a few bucks, other homemade tools just seem to work easier or better for me than a store bought tool. Like the heater hose release tool for Ford products. I’m not sure what they were thinking when they put those blasted connectors so close to the firewall and then give you this little piece of plastic to wedge in there to release the retaining spring. I wonder if those engineers have ever tried to stretch across the top of the engine with their feet dangling in midair, while wrestling with that confounded contraption. I took a piece electrical conduit about the same size as the heater hose lines and cut it lengthwise, then welded the two pieces onto small swivels which I then welded to an old pair of brake spring pliers. Now I can simply lean over the fender slip it over the heater hose, clamp down on it lightly, and with a little push and shove, off comes the hose. Works better than that @?#A$! piece of plastic!

Of course there are those cut down sockets, bent wrenches, ground down screwdrivers and countless other wacky things you have to come up with to get a certain job done. The only problem I have now is that I look into the drawer full of this stuff and I’ve forgotten what some of them are for. It doesn’t matter, chances are they will get re-bent, re-ground, and re-welded into some other useful tool. Needless to say, I hardly ever throw any tool out… broken or not, you never know what you might need next.

When it comes to electronic tools, well… that’s a whole different scenario. Kinda hard to repurpose some of those, but I’ve managed to give a few obsolete tools a second life. I had an old (very early) Bosch injector tester that was missing most of the special cords and manuals. It sat in a dusty corner for years. Then one day when I had nothing else to do I tore it apart and used the large volt meter out of it as a wall mounted meter behind a work bench. Handy for sure, and it’s large enough to read from across the table. (It’s still there by the way.)

I know I’m not the only one out there who tries to make do with whatever you have on hand rather than buying every conceivable tool there is. An old friend of mine who owned a VW repair shop was like that. This guy had the knack of creating some of the goofiest looking tools I’ve ever seen. If you didn’t know any better you’d think some of his creations were just a piece of junk with a couple of screws welded onto it. But you’d be wrong. He had a hand made tool for just about any situation you could encounter on those old bugs. To me… it was pure genius at work, a real marvel of mechanical aptitude and homegrown savvy. If he had an idea that might make a job easier, that was more than enough incentive for him to create some new gizmo for the task.

Tools… … … the right tool, for the right job, it’s a never ending quest for the professional mechanic. You’re always seeking something that will make the next job easier; whether you buy it or make it yourself, there’s one thing for sure… you never have enough tools.

Who's The Boss

Running a business is similar to a marriage. It all starts with communication. Communicating with the shop employees, the front office, and the customers are all part of my daily tasks. Failure to communicate with your spouse can end up with one or the other upset about something, or reading into a situation something different than what has actually happened. Sure, there’s a boss in every family, and sometimes you might think it’s you… but, your spouse may have a different opinion about that.

Countless times I've had a car in the shop where a wife or husband has dropped the car off, the repair is done, paid for, and sent on its way, only to have the other spouse call and give me an earful because they weren't told what had transpired. (As if that’s my fault!) Whether it's because of the cost, the time it took, the work that was done, or the fact they weren’t informed... somehow, I'll be the person blamed for all their misfortunes. As we all know... the spouse won’t admit to their better half they said anything to me at the counter similar to, “Yes, I told him to go ahead and do it.” or “I didn't ask him how much, it didn’t matter to me. I told him just get it done.” Yep, heard it all before.

On one particular occasion I had a car in for restoration. These “project” cars come in all kinds of various conditions. Some are a complete car, and the owner has a clear idea what they want done, while others literally come in baskets. This particular job was a basket case for sure. The car had been taken down to the last nut and bolt nearly 5 years earlier, and by the time it made it to my shop nothing but the steering wheel was in place. No doors, no glass, no deck lid, hood, interior, dash, seats, or an engine.

“I need an estimate on what it would take to rewire this car,” the owner tells me.

All I had to go on was the year, the make, and the condition to evaluate what it would take. The car was an older VW Super Beetle, which from a wiring stand point isn't exactly rocket science, but it can get a little complicated if you don't approach the job right.

“I see you've got an aftermarket harness in this box, but it's not complete. Do you have any of the other harness sections for it?” I asked.

“They don't make a harness for it, this is all they offer,” my new customer told me.

“Well, I think there are some better choices than this aftermarket harness you've brought. This is a harness for a dune buggy, and not for a street car. A lot of things are omitted on them that you'll need for a street driven car. Such as turn signals, horn, etc...”

I gave him a price based on reusing the original harnesses that were bundled up in another box. I pulled them out of the box and was in for a shock. They were all cut into several small pieces rather than in the usual sections. I quoted for installing a factory harness… not building one! I needed to find a better way of doing this. In the mean time we went up to the front desk to fill out some paper work. While he was busy with the front office paper work, I got on the internet and did some of my own searching for a replacement harness. It didn't take but a few clicks before I had a “useable” harness that should work... with a little adaptation to the Super Beetle fuse box and ignition.

“Once I see this kit I can give you a better idea of final cost,” I told him.

A week later he was back with the aftermarket harness. The harness wasn't a perfect match, useable yes, but it would need a few modifications. No biggie, just a lot more time involved vs. putting a good factory original harness back in. (It would have been a lot easier to leave the original harness in the car, wadded up out of the way and then reattached after painting.)

I gave him an updated estimate for the work, which in turn, he gave me the go ahead to get started. A few more days went by. I had already started putting in the front harness and part of the interior wiring when he showed up with his wife. I knew something was up.

“I think I'm going to take the car. Your price is too high,” he told me.

It was about then, the wife jumped into the conversation.

“My husband told me you raised the price on him once we got you the harness you wanted,” she told me.

“Yes, the original estimate was to put a “factory” harness in. Now I'm putting in an aftermarket harness that I have to make do with. Rather than try to find a perfect fit, your husband said to go with this. So I did, in fact I've already started on it.”

That's when the husband jumped back into the mix with his two cents, and proceeded to tell the wife how the car was going to be restored with his methods.

The wife turns to me, (ignoring her husband), “How long will it take you to finish it?”

“I figure a week, maybe sooner.”

The husband then gave his wife another lashing about costs, and how his five year long attempt at doing it was only a minor setback in the restoration. She, on the other hand, was about to blow a gasket, but not at me... at her husband. She leans over the counter to me, “Here's my personal cell number and my name, and from now on you call me direct. This has taken far too long to get done, and I want my car back together.”

Ok, I see where this is going. The wife wasn't told the whole story, and what she did hear from her husband didn't add up once she heard it from me.

“Did you bring him any of the lights, dash gauges or any of the other electrical stuff so he can see if they work? NO? Well, you're just an idiot!” she snaps at her arrogant husband. (I could tell me and the “Mrs.” were going to get along just fine.) Totally ignoring her husband, she pulled out a pad and pen and starting jotting down notes on what components I needed, and told me she would have them over to the shop that afternoon and out of her house for good.

After all was said and done, they ended up with a pretty cool restored bug out of the deal, and I got one happy customer... maybe not the hubbie... but, I’m pretty sure I know now … … … who’s the boss in their family.

Questions, Answers, and Questions

A question and answer discussion starts the minute this fella walks up to the service counter and asks, “You guys do electrical repair, right?”

Katie, my service manager answers, “Yes, it's our specialty.”

“Well, I've got a problem you've never seen.”

“Really, that would be different. What's the problem?” Katie questions him.

“I don't know, I saw smoke coming from the starter, then the alternator, then the fuse box, so I disconnected a bunch of wires. It used to start, before I pulled the wires. Must be something else wrong with it now,” the guy tells Katie in detail.

Katie asks, “What kind of car?”

“It's a 1978 Subaru.”

“Not a very complicated car to have such an unknown problem. We can call a tow truck for you, and get it checked out.”

“Yea, but I doubt he'll know what's wrong with it, if it doesn't start.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. He's pretty good at it, and I've seen him take some really bad looking situations and turn them into gems before.”

“Yea, but this is something he's never seen, so I doubt he'll know how to fix it.”

No matter what Katie said, or how she explained it, or how she pleaded, he wasn't buying it. Later, when she told me about the conversation I gave her my list of the common reasons why people like him ask these types of questions… make it sound impossible to fix… answers their own questions…then convinces themselves they already know how to repair it and wasted their time coming here. (All within the time they walked in the door)

#1 It's going to cost a lot... because, I don't know how to fix it.

#2 Electrical systems, they’re impossible to figure out. That’s why I can’t do it.

#3 Obviously, this shop doesn’t know, or they would have told me how to fix it by now.

#4 I could do the work myself, just wish I knew how.

#5 It's an electrical problem. I can't find it, and I know they won't be able to either. It’s too involved, so the best thing is to replace “everything”. Now I just need to know how much, that way I can tell if this shop is on the level or not.

I've seen this so many times. I'm surprised Katie lasted as long as she did with this guy. Well, it could be when you put a pretty girl at the front counter you might find some guys spending a lot more time there than if my ugly, old mug greeted them. Besides, she's a sweetheart, and I'm more of a growling bear.... (She gets a lot more of them in the shop than I do).

From time to time one of these guys will ultimately leave their car for me to work on. Chances are, as in past encounters, if their explanation is short and quick... the problem is involved and lengthy, but if they have to explain things in detail, with lengthy descriptions... chances are the problem is quick and simple. (Happens all the time). When they get the invoice and find out it didn't cost an arm and a leg, they're in shock. Once in a while I have to explain things back to them in detail... in extraordinary detail... because they can't believe it was that simple. Other times, they make a run for the door, as If I had made a mistake on the final bill and want to get out of there before I change my mind.

Although, I'd love to lean on the counter, hand on my chin, and smile as they explain things, it would probably look rude, and they'll probably get upset. My standing there with that quirky smirk, anticipating the next chapter in the life of their car might not look all that comical to them. They’ll likely think they either have just met the goofiest mechanic in town, or some certifiable wacko with a box of wrenches. I'll admit, it would be hilarious from my side of the counter. I already know where they're going with their saga. But, they don't know where I'm going...Oh, they will. Probably about the time I'm standing at the door with that big smile on my face, holding the door open and saying, “You have a wonderful day, and I hope you manage to find out what's wrong with your car at the next shop you end up at.”

Here's the deal. I don't know where or how in the vast history of the auto business any and all repairs can be answered in just a few minutes of discussion at the front counter. Or, just because you don't know what is wrong, doesn’t mean that “I” don't know what's wrong. But, that doesn't mean I’m going to tell you what's wrong... well, I will... only after I get the car in the shop. If I did tell you what I think it is, I may only gain the admiration of a prospective customer... who, in theory... will only show up the next time he/she has a problem that needs my expertise, and is going to do the same thing they did the last time… ask then leave.

I read a lot about how certain repairs should be a “no charge” from these so called “Experts on customer relationships”, or that mechanics shouldn’t charge for every little thing they do. At times I think these fellas who come in asking questions, and then answering their own questions are more worried about cost than they are of what is actually wrong with the car. I certainly understand that cost is a factor, but professional care of any sorts isn’t going to happen at the corner “discount auto center”. On the other hand, for those folks who don’t know the solution to their problems and their mechanic can't tell them, they tend to think nobody knows. It just might be that the mechanic isn't going to tell you... it's his/her job to know, to repair, and get paid for it.

It may seem like we’re concealing answers, it might seem like I'm being careful with my responses... and you're probably right. The automotive repair field takes constant renewal and dedication to the trade to keep up with the training and changes. It's not cheap either, and the thought that any mechanic, (dealership or independent), is told by their boss, or a customer, or for any other reason to do what he/she is trained for without any monetary, or satisfactory compensation to me is an insult to the profession.

I've been behind the service counter a lot longer than some of these “in and out the door” customers have been thinking of their questions and their anticipated answers, (even though I haven't answered a single question). So don't be surprised if I’m at the service counter with this quirky smile and my hand on my chin... because I've seen it all before, and I already know the routine. My advice; try not answering your own questions with your own answers, it just leaves more questions without answers.

It Still Ain’t Right

A car arrives at the repair shop, another cranks but no start job. The owner has his own ideas as to what’s wrong as well as how to make the repairs. Some folks are like that. It could be from previous run ins or just their personality. I try to put myself in their shoes and do my best to understand why they are so insistent on telling me what to do rather than let the diagnostic results dictate the repair.

“I need a new starter.”

“Has it been tested?” I tell him.

“I’ve been fixing my own cars for years and I know what’s wrong.”

“I would rather check it out and find where the problem is than just start hanging parts,” I said.

“You don’t need to get all your fancy meters out to tell me something I already know,” he answers.

Along with diagnosing the car I also have to diagnose what kind of person I'm dealing with. To combat this I have to turn detective and sort through the facts and fiction. Granted, I’ve got the bedside manner of a wolverine, and my bark is far worse than my bite, but after all these years of dealing with cars and their owners I get a little thick skinned when it comes to their demands. I just want the facts and I’m not about to soften the reality of the repair with some highbrow comeback. That’s just not my style.

Cars are built on an assembly line and they can be complicated pieces of modern machinery to figure out … people … that’s a whole different story. It's a matter of communication that makes things work better, the better the communication the better we’ll get along.

The actual repair was no big deal and had nothing to do with his starter, so it wasn’t long before I had the car back to the owner. Now, most of the time I’m done, but a few weeks later the owner called and you could tell he wasn’t the happiest motorist on the road. Seems the car is having another problem, and the owner has made up his mind (again) that he knew exactly why. (The last time he tried to diagnose things himself it didn’t work out so well, so I’m not putting much faith in his skills this time either.)

“It still ain’t right,” he banters.

Apparently, the “no-start” condition still hasn't solved his issue with the power seat. Power seat??? - - - really? This is the first time I’ve heard of this problem. I’m not sure where this is going… but I know it’s going to be my fault somehow.

As a mechanic, I find it difficult to keep my cool, be professional and remember to look at things from the owner’s point of view when the insults start flying. (This is where those companies that show shop owners how to better their business by being more customer friendly would help. I may be a good tech but I’m lousy with people. I have to wonder though, how many of these “experts” have actually experienced these types of encounters…at the counter.) As with most of these situations where everything and anything wrong with the car is now lumped into one, the first thing they’ll tell me is “NOT” the condition of the car but… how much they have already spent. (I’d still like to see those “experts” spend a few days behind my counter and deal with stuff like this.)

As the story unfolds, I’m busy trying to put together the series of events that leads up to a non-functioning power seat and a “no-start” condition. I'm even more perplexed as to how the owner who said he knew exactly what needed repaired, (even though he was entirely wrong) has somehow incorporated whatever is ailing the car this time into one giant raging volcano of insults, slanderous remarks, and obviously… my incompetence. (I’m cool; the blood pressure hasn’t gone up yet… keep this up … it will.)

I make it a point (especially when my mechanic’s sixth sense starts tingling) to dot every “i” and cross every “t” on every invoice, and with someone like this I’ll go that extra mile and document even more. There are telltale conversations with a customer that can give me a few clues. Such as; “I had my tires rotated and now my wipers aren't working.” or “My brakes are still squeaking even after I had the oil changed.” and my all-time favorite, “I sued the last shop that worked on my car.” These are the ones I tend to pay a little more special attention too, or escort them to the nearest exit.

I don’t know why, for some people anytime you sew your name onto a shirt, buy a big tool box, gain the experience and knowledge needed to do this job, somewhere, some way, somebody is going to lump you into that category of an incapable idiot that couldn’t get a real job. Well, I've got a big tool box, I've got my name on my shirt, and I've got that type of experience... guess I'm one of them, and by the way… this is a real job. Furthermore… there are a lot of families that go back generations doing this very same type of work.

I often wonder why after getting something repaired and something else goes wrong that it must be the mechanics fault, maybe it’s the shirt, could be the tool box, maybe it’s the stereotypical misconceptions from years ago. Just to set the record straight… this isn’t Mayberry, and my name isn’t Goober or Gomer.

In the meantime, my main goal now is to explain...in detail...how a no start condition and a faulty seat motor are in no way connected to each other. (Stranger things have happened…but not this time.) If after explaining things I still have an upset customer, (Who isn’t going to pay for any additional service.) it leaves me with only one option.

“Sir, I can't help you, even though I would gladly do the repairs needed I just can't do them for nothing. There's a point where what was originally wrong with the car and what is wrong with it now doesn’t add up. This one is one of those times.”

At this point, whether or not I retain the customer or they walk out the door is entirely up to them. If they leave, there’s no doubt, sooner or later I'll see them back at the shop. I'll ask where they've been, they’ll answer, “Oh, I was using another shop but they ticked me off, so I'm not using them.” Hmmm, that's funny... that's exactly how the last repair ended here. (If he can pick his mechanic, I’d sure like to pick my customers too… I’m dreaming again.) For now he has decided to put a little more faith into my abilities … at least one more time.

Understanding cars is one thing, understanding the different personalities you meet is another. I’m grateful for another chance to show what I can do for this guy ... but honestly… it still ain’t right.

Innovations

We have entered a time in which the car is no longer a car. It’s an extension of ourselves with the capabilities to think, park, drive, maintain a proper distance from surrounding vehicles, hold a set speed, and provide a climate controlled zone, with all the amenities of our home inside the passenger compartment. It’s truly a miracle of modern science and engineering.

These feats of extraordinary mechanical and electrical achievements are a result of years and years of research and development, along with a lot of good old fashion hard work. We are witnessing a technological explosion on today’s highway and byways, all because of some innovative thinkers from automotive history such as Harley Earl, Henry Ford, Lee Iacocca, Daimler Benz, Ferdinand Porsche, and many others.

These forward thinkers led the way to early concepts that are now part of our automotive culture. (Imagine what they could have done if they had today’s electronics incorporated into their ideas.) One way to experience the way things were back then, is to go where these early innovative ideas are found now… at a museum. If you get a chance to go through an automotive museum take a long look at the design features. If you start to compile a list from the early 20’s to today, you’ll find more than a few mechanical and electrical changes over the years. I like to focus on what brought on these improvements, or what the designers and engineers were thinking when they came up with these concepts. At the time, they were “state-of-the-art”; now we look at them as stepping stones of technology. Some innovations were accidental discoveries; some came about through testing and engineering, while others were a result of economical or governmental intervention. But, there are those engineering attempts and designs that failed miserably. They’re just as important to keep in mind when reviewing the history of the automobile.

Some of those “bad” ideas went into production, and who was the guinea pig for most of these flawed ideas???… hmmm… Oh, that’s right… you and me… the driving public. Maybe we should consider those failed attempts as a brief interruption into furthering the auto industry into the next decade, or perhaps a slight miscalculation on their part. They could say, “Oops… sorry about that.” It’s just a little late to hear that after you’ve figured out you bought a lemon. Some of these ideas you can’t blame on engineers though. A lot of them were brought on by those pencil pushers in the Ivory towers. After doing all their calculations, some things were deemed too expensive to put into production, while other “cash-saving” ideas went straight to the production line, regardless what the engineers said.

Do you remember in the 80’s when a cash strapped GM unloaded 350 V8 gas engines blocks with diesel heads on them? They were trying to keep production up, but somebody neglected to check if the standard gas engine, with its eight head bolts, was strong enough for the increased diesel engine compression. Oops, slight problem here. An engineering nightmare and a mechanic’s job security all wrapped into one.

If you were turning wrenches around the same time, you might remember the Variable Venturi carburetor that Ford came out with. This was their quick fix answer to the emission requirements, just before the CFI system (fuel injection) was out in full force. They slapped these gadgets on, and sent them down the assembly line. It didn’t take long before they failed. Now, some guys managed to make them work… me, nope…never had that kind of luck. I opted for the replacement Holley carburetor. The customer had to deal with the downtime and cost.

Seems every manufacturer has had their own poor designs or crazy ideas that didn’t make it. I just mentioned these because I worked on so many of them. Which leads me back to today’s cars… are we in for another “Oops”? Has someone thought through the possibilities of these drive by wire cars getting out of control? Gee, I hope so. I mean, I don’t want to sound like our forefathers when the horseless carriage first came out and you were required by law (in many states) to have a man holding a flag, while walking so many paces in front of the vehicle to give warning for horse and buggies that a car was coming. But, when I start to think about these cars flying down today’s highways and no one behind the wheel, a flashing light on the hood to let me know you’re not driving doesn’t sound half bad right now.

Granted, engineering has come a long way from the early days of experimentation. The difference in just the last ten years shows how much the engineering has improved. A decade ago I was changing alternators, starters, and wiper motors practically every day. Now, I rarely see a failure. We still have failures, but the rate of those failures has dropped off tremendously. Most engine failures I see are brought on more by lack of maintenance than poor design or engineering. Mileage on the engines has increased far beyond my expectations. But, that doesn’t mean new cars are foolproof, not hardly, there are still plenty of issues to deal with on the modern car, mechanically and electrically. (Anything mechanical can and will break down at some point in time.) Something else to think about is with all these innovations the way a mechanic tackles some of these problems has changed as well. For example: head gasket replacement on some trucks can only be accomplished by removing the entire passenger cab off of the chassis. (Yep, finally used up ALL the room under the hood.)

Recalls are still out there, warranty repair is still a concern, and cars still need maintenance and repairs… that will never change. Are they building them better? Of course they are. Is the engineering better? Absolutely it’s better. Can we expect cars to drive themselves and never forget where they are supposed go? Oops, can’t answer that one yet.

Will the future generations comprehend that someone actually drove those old cars found in the museums? What do you think they’ll say when they find out you had to use your hands and feet to operate them? And we used gasoline? How barbaric!

It seems to me, each newer generation has more faith in electronic assistance for everything. Just the other day I was at a store and the young gal behind the counter had a problem with her register… it wouldn’t show her what the cash back amount was… she had no clue how to make change by hand. The manager had to come over and reset her register. The whole time I’m thinking… “Is this another sign of the next generation putting too much trust into those electronics? Maybe the best innovation is to reinvent physical effort.”

Should I be worried? Should I be concerned? History has proven that not all things man made are without fault. That leaves me with one thought, “Will the driver of the future car know what to do if the systems fail?” Only time will tell.

CRYSTAL BALL DIAGNOSING

A seeker of knowledge climbed a narrow staircase up a very remote mountain side, high into the clouds, and arrived at the temple of all answers. The swami, wearing his pearl white turban, is sitting in the lotus position surrounded by large red velvet curtains with plumes of smoke obscuring all but a brief glimpse of the room. There in front of the swami is his crystal ball, which with a mere glance he can give you the answers you seek.

The question from the traveler is put forth, “Why doesn't my driver's window go up and down?” He peers into the crystal ball; his eyes grow ever more

intense as his gaze reaches deeper into the glistening orb.

He answers, “Probably a switch or a motor.”

The seeker's eyes roll back into his head in disbelief. Already frustrated, the seeker answers angrily, “Nope, that’s not it. I already tried that. You mean to tell me I climbed all the way up here, and that's your best answer?”

The swami calmly answers, “All will be revealed after proper diagnostic tests have been completed.”

“I'll bet that ain't cheap either!” the traveler says.

“You are quite right,” the swami says, “Long ago such things could be obtained without fees... those days have passed as well. Today’s cars are far more complicated, which requires more than a mere glance into the crystal ball to solve the problem.”

The now aggravated seeker of knowledge (who had no intention of paying) storms down the same long winding path to begin their search for another swami who might provide an answer to their quest without any monetary exchange.

Ok, I'm no swami, I don't have a pearl white turban, and even though I've looked high and low... I can't find a crystal ball anywhere. From the very first day I stood behind the service counter there has always been someone who wants to pick the swami’s brain for free information. It’s no surprise to me that I've heard the same thing over and over again.

“So what do you think it is?”

If I give them my best guess, there's still a chance their rebuttal will be, “No, that ain't it, I tried that already.” I'd like to say, (but I keep it to myself), “Why the hell did you ask for my opinion if all you’re going to do is get all huffy with the answer I give?” What I end up telling them is, “Sorry, but that's my best guess without my crystal ball, or actually testing it.”

Even though the cars have changed tremendously over the years, I still have to diagnose and repair them just as before. Guesses are great, and sometimes it's the best way to tackle a problem. But I still prefer diagnosing it first. I could resort to calling out some witch doctors to parade around the car in a counter-clockwise fashion, during a full moon, holding onto a dead chicken while chanting at the top of their lungs. But, you know, they’ve got better things to do....besides, I can't wait for the next moon cycle for these guys to show up, and neither will the customer. I've got to fix these cars now. (Impatient world we live in, you know…)

Just like the swami situation, the one thing that hasn't changed is how some people will drive clear across town to ask about their car. I can appreciate the time and effort they’ve put into tracking me down, but that doesn't change the fact that I still have to test and diagnose a problem to find out what is exactly wrong with it.

Even if I had a crystal ball I'm sure I'd still want to test things before swapping parts. Mind you, there are common failures and common results, but I'm completely dumbfounded that some people think I've got the answer to every sort of problem logged into memory. The truth is … no, I don't. Because even with the simplest sounding problems, some things can lead to drastic results with greater complications than anyone can imagine.

I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be better to answer these questions like this: “Nine out of ten mechanics said your alternator is what's wrong with your car.”

Now when they blurt out their response... “I tried that already.”

I can answer them with, “You're going to have to go tell that to at least eight other mechanics... because we all agreed that was the most common problem. Until it is tested there is no way of knowing beyond that.”

There are times that even a glance under the hood doesn't answer a thing. Their questions might be on the right path to enlightenment, but they neglected to mention that they've reengineered the car to their own set of specifications. I call them “Heinz 57” cars. These are the whimsical dreams and creations of backyard mechanics who have installed different engines, wiring harnesses, computers, etc. Sure, they've accomplished a lot on their own. Installing engines and harnesses from cars 10, or maybe 20 production years apart. They may have the ability of making the thing start and drive, but they just can't seem to get some of those basic essentials to adapt to their new found aspirations of driving excellence.

It might be the wipers, or the HVAC, maybe it's the door locks, or the instrument cluster and gauges, or the brake system or perhaps the suspension. Sometimes it’s just a stereo system they installed that’s causing a problem. Their "engineering" is usually not to any professional standard, but thrown in with the wires all wadded up behind the dash. Then they expect the mechanic to look into his crystal ball and give them an answer as to what it would take to get all those little details working, and how long it will take.

It all seems simple to them; it can't be that hard. They've already spent hours upon hours slicing and dicing the car to create their contraption, surely all this “other” stuff isn’t that big of a deal.

After the mechanic comes out of his transcendental state and delivers the news, they’re probably going to be in shock at the answers. (Staring under the dash or hood at some of these creations is what brings on the trance.) Honestly, if there was such a thing as a crystal ball I would have peered into it and stopped some of these backyard creations from ever being created. It would have been a lot better if they would have climbed up that narrow pathway into the mountains and sought professional wisdom before attempting these engineering debacles.

Let's face it, there is no magic machine with the answers. There's no crystal ball, and sad to say, I’m fresh out of witch doctors, too. True mechanical and electrical repair on today's cars takes a dedicated individual with the right equipment and knowledge, not a swami on a cloud covered mountain top. Not much is free these days, but go ahead and ask your questions. But until they are tested and diagnosed, they're still just another glance into that crystal ball.

Leap Of Faith

Even with the best information available to the professional mechanic there are times that some things just don't add up or seem to have been forgotten to be mentioned in the description of how a certain system works. Sometimes the relationship between these systems have so many crossing paths that even with diligent efforts from the engineers it still leaves a few unforeseen problems that no one has experienced before. Dealing with all these complexities ends up in a never ending stumbling block of false leads, misguided diagnostics, or for the lack of better term... a typical “SNAFU”.

There are a lot of situations where the mechanic just has to trust their own judgment and go with what seems right, rather than what all the information is telling them. Call it a gut instinct, dumb luck, or maybe a professional guess, but that may be all you have to go on. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of “mechanics” faith that you might be onto something and disregard the diagnostic results.

Case in point; A bodyshop sent over a Dodge pickup with the “Check Gauges” light stuck on. The gauges checked fine, no service codes, and no apparent reason why the “Check Gauges” warning light should be stuck on. Everything from segment tests on the individual gauges, to the values from each of the gauges. They all matched their actual readings. The gas gauge was spot on, water temp, charging system, etc... nothing looked out of place.

I called the bodyshop and asked them what they repaired and what components they changed. Turns out it was a rather light hit on the driver’s side front fender area. No frame damage and no major components were replaced. With my initial tests completed, everyone was leaning towards a problem with the dash cluster itself. Even though the test results lead that way I wasn’t convinced. Since it was an insurance job the pressure from the bodyshop and the insurance company to find the answer was pushing even harder to just replace the cluster than it was to challenge the results.

For me, it comes down to test, retest, and test again. I just couldn't bring myself to replacing the cluster just yet. I wanted some definite proof before going through all the hassle of reprogramming, setting the mileage, and security system. If the gauges tested good… how can I justify calling them bad?

The more I tested things the more confused I got. I poured over the description and operation information of how the “check gauges” functioned. I was hoping to find some clue that might tell me what I was missing. Nothing stood out... absolutely nothing. I checked with the various resources on the internet and a lot of other techs that have seen other bizarre problems, but everyone kept going back to the cluster as the source.

Even a call to the owner didn't help matters. He insisted that it was in working order before the wreck. The owner was more than happy (of course) to have the cluster replaced. Sure, why not... the repair costs would eventually end up getting kicked back to the insurance company... not to him. There again, I wasn't willing to make the swap. I wanted solid proof it was bad, before I tried another cluster.

I needed to take that leap of faith that I was right and it wasn't the cluster. A big gamble I’ll have to admit. I stuck with the idea that the tests were accurate and the problem had to be around the damaged area. There again, not knowing what I was looking for put me in the position that it was all blind faith that my tests results were right, that I was right... and there was something else wrong.

After removing the inner fender I found a two wire connector dangling all by itself. As I moved the wire through the space, using the wire length to kind of give me some idea as to where it might go, it ended up at the bottom of the battery tray. It’s the battery temperature sensor connector. I've run across these being disconnected on older models before but it’s always associated with a code, not this time.

After plugging it in the “check gauges” warning went out. Just to verify the whole thing, I unplugged the sensor and tried it again, sure enough the “check gauges” warning light stayed on. I do believe I've found the answer to this weird problem. I still think it's pretty odd that in all the operation descriptions there was never any mention of the battery temperature sensor as part of the “check gauges” warning system. Go figure…

It's not the first time I've run into something that didn't make sense or wasn't explained in a way that I understood what the engineering was behind it. It's one of those many times when there isn't any information to let me know what to do. You'd like to think that every possible scenario has been checked and double checked by the engineers, or the at least mention something about it like, “Oh yea, we tied the battery temp. sensor to the check gauge warning light, thought you might like to know. Oh don’t worry… the gauges are fine.”

Not to be outdone, a GM came in with the air bag light stuck on. The air bag module and all the components had been changed and calibrated with the latest software and verified. After going through the operation/description information several times I still didn't have an answer. Then I stumbled onto a small note on an obscure page of information, it read: “Note: this condition can occur if the seat belt warning system is malfunctioning.” Malfunctioning? Like “how” malfunctioning? No answer to that question of course. Of all things... the bulb was burned for the seat belt dash symbol and once I changed the bulb... the air bag light went out. Now tell me... why in the world didn’t you mention that on the operation and description page? I would have appreciated it… seriously.

It seems that with all the sophistication we've added to these modern cars there are still some things that haven't been fully explored as to the possibilities that could arise. These “leaps of faith” in today's marketplace doesn’t leave any room for exploratory surgery to isolate these problems, times money, and unless you knew about these quirky problems before hand your diagnostic time may get lengthy.

I can’t say every answer is in a scanner or manual. Mechanics have always had to find solutions to a lot of problems that were not even thought to be problems when these systems were created. Especially when a certain circuit or communication line gets crossed up from someone monkeying around with it that probably shouldn’t have been.

As a professional mechanic you have to stick to your test results, even though it may not be what everyone else thinks. Have faith in your own abilities and gut instincts. Sometimes being apparently wrong is the right thing to do, and once in a while you might have to take that leap yourself.

It Doesn't Matter

My wife, who's a very accomplished longarm quilter, author, and quilting teacher, came home from one of her trips to the local quilt stores to check out the latest fabrics, and to drop off some quilts she had finished for her customers. While she was there a lady walked up to the counter person and asked if she knew anything about longarm machine quilting.

"I don't have one in my store,"the counter lady told her, "But that lady over there (pointing to my wife) is one of the best long arm quilters in this area. You could ask her."

I've been married to my wife for a longtime, and I've seen the type of work she can turn out on her big machine. It's stunning to say the least, and to be recognized by fellow quilters is as important to her as it would be to any mechanic out there to be recognized by their peers as well. Her years of skilled artistry were showing through her story as she began to tell it. (Just like any other skilled job, when you meet a true professional… you know it.) It's not the first time she's been stopped to answers questions, and she's more than prepared to answer any and all questions regarding the type of work she loves to do.

Oh, the tales she can tell! It wasn't hard to relate her story to one of my situations, and I certainly could imagine the whole thing as if I was talking to someone about car repair. But, I'll let her tell her story first.

The lady approached her and said, "Yes, I'd like to know what you do with those long poles."

My wife answered, "Poles? Are you referring to the long horizontal poles you attached the quilts to?"

"Yea, yea, whatever, but that doesn't matter. Which one is the first one?"

"Which machine do you have?"

"That doesn't matter, they're all the same."

"No, actually they're not," my wife told her. "Some have 3 and some have 4 poles."

"That doesn't matter. Where do you start?"

"That would depend on which side of the machine you're standing on," my wife said, trying to make light of the situation.

"Oh, that doesn't matter which side...so which is the first one?"

There was no getting around the "doesn't matter",and it was soon apparent that not one question could be answered without it in the answer. After a while the lady moved on through the store. She seemed a bit miffed that her questions weren't answered by this so called "expert". The lady found another patron just around the corner of a big display, and in a loud voice the lady told the other patron in the store. "As you can tell I'm obviously not going to get any help here. I asked another long arm operator at another store the same questions, and would you believe, she wouldn't tell me anything either. Do you know of any experts that would tell me a thing or two?"

Both the shop owner and my wife just bit their tongues at that point.

My wife, who definitely knows how to deliver a sarcastic come-back said to the shop owner in a whispered voice, "Whoever she asks, it doesn't matter."

I find the same kind of situations at the repair shop. There are a lot of times someone will call or ask for some obscure part that I just don't have a clue what they are trying to describe. Maybe some people can't grasp the concept that all cars and all parts are not alike.

Standing at the service counter while talking on the phone, and staring at the computer I've got to ask the questions that are in front of me on the screen. The first question is, "What kind of car is it?" If the response is, "That doesn't matter, they're all the same", I know it's going to be a long day at the counter for sure.

I wonder if this would work at a restaurant when ordering a glass of wine? Just try telling the waiter it doesn't matter which bottle they bring.How about when you're at the doctor's office, talking to the plumber, or let's not forget… talking to the judge?!?! I would think facts and information matter in those cases. I can only imagine what the outcome would be if after you're pulled over and the police officer asks you, "How fast did you think you were going?" If you answered, "You know, it really doesn't matter how fast I was going", you might be looking at a long stay in a small cell for the evening.

Oh,and it doesn't matter that the engine is covered in an inch of grease and grime. Heck, I'm a mechanic… I'm supposed to be covered in grime. Huh? Where did that notion spring from… does it matter? … You bet your spark plugs it matters! I prefer a clean work surface,… you… Mr.Unconcerned on the other hand… obviously… it just doesn't matter to you.

It's those perceptions of how something works, or is figured out by the professional, that is misconstrued by the novice. It all must look so easy from the other side of the wrench, or in the case of my wife's little story… the longarm machine. I have to admit my wife had a smile from ear to ear, because she knew she had stumbled upon a situation and experience that I tend to write about. The smile was contagious, and soon I wanted to hear all the details of her adventure.

In rare cases, you know, it really doesn't matter. But try ordering a part for a car and not have all the details that the counter person has to answer. Sometimes, the questions seem like they are way off in left field. Like, "Is it a 4 door or a 2 door?" or "Does it have 13 inch rotors or 12 inch rotors?" and to think all I wanted to order was a tie rod. Even though their questions seem so far-fetched, there's probably a good reason why they have to ask those questions.

Just once I'd like to push things to the limit. You know, like when the wife asks me what I'd like for dinner, I'm going to try the "it doesn't matter"approach. (Just to see where that gets me.) I'm betting I'll probably end up with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Well, I asked for it. Oh sure, I was thinking maybe meatloaf, or a nice Italian dinner... but "It doesn't matter" got in the way of the decision making.

So the next time I try to get more information,the right type of information mind you, and they say, "It doesn't matter" I'm going to ask them why? Just to see what they'll say.

Chances are they won't know why… but I guess that doesn't matter either.

Perishable Goods

I talk to a lot of new technician/mechanics coming out of the tech schools or starting their automotive careers at small shops and dealerships. They all have that same look. You know, that fresh, green, and full of spunk "take on the world" attitude and appearance. Most are still on their first set of wrenches, all shiny with the engraved wrench sizes still visible on them. (Not like most of mine that I can barely read the size anymore.) They're all eager and can't wait to be a part of the next project.

Electronics have changed the caliber and education level of the modern technician, and these new fresh wrenchers are well aware of that fact. After talking to a few of them, boy do I feel old. I start thinking back ...way back to when I first picked up a ratchet. My first recollection of working on a car had nothing to do with electronics and more to do with hanging over the fender watching my dad. Since then, there have been a lot of changes in the automotive world.

Training is one thing, knowing a few tricks of the trade helps even more. Like most mechanics, young or old, you find a rhythm, a sense of awareness of what needs to be done. You stay up with the technical changes, and keep what you already know tucked away for future reference. It might be a certain way to do to a diagnostic procedure, or perhaps what wrench worked best for a certain project. You develop these skills, and strengthen your knowledge base with every new encounter. It's what makes a seasoned tech so important to a shop and to the customers they serve.

There's so much to know, so much to comprehend, and for the new tech it can be overwhelming. Some of it can't be taught in books, or by watching an instructor. There's a lot of that "doing it yourself" kind of teaching where you find out firsthand what works, and what doesn't. Those traits come from years of experience, and with that experience you start to master the trade.

You have to keep up with the changes or you won't last long in this business. As the cars age so does their relative technology. Then it becomes apparent that the cars and their technology are all perishable goods. Old technology is just that… old. You can't compare the technology in a 1950's car with a 2012 car… it's just not the same in anyway.

Knowing some of those old out dated procedures is still important though. That knowledge will come in handy when you least expect it. One day you'll be working on a fairly new model, and then the next day it could be a 30 or perhaps a 50 year old car sitting in the service bay. You can bet a mechanic will have to stare under the hood for a while, scratch his head a couple of times, and hope it all comes back to him. You'll find yourself jogging the old noggin for some of those old tricks you used to use.

Scanners were never heard of back in the day.These young hot shots, fresh out of school guys and gals have all grown up with the internet, have always had electronic ignition, and a computer is as common to them as a toaster. Like one old timer used to tell me, "These youngsters wouldn't have a clue how to fix a car without a trouble code." I don't know about that, but some of those old cars are museum pieces to them. Oh sure, those young guns will take a few stabs at it, but you know... somewhere there's an old, grouchy, sour attitude,crotchety mechanic with the disposition of an alligator sitting in the back corner of the shop who has probably seen it all before.

I'll bet most older techs can remember using a matchbook cover as a quick points gap check (Let's see one of those youngins try to find a matchbook cover these days). Ask an old mechanic what the timing setting is on a 327, or what the three pedals on the floor of a model T are for. They probably know it. But, when is the last time I needed to know that stuff? I don't know, haven't a clue. Maybe I like to hang onto that sort of stuff just to show those fresh techs that us old guys still have what it takes.

The old mechanic may not move around as well, his skills may not be as fresh, but he can still get the job done. Are they stale, out dated?... probably not. What does that older tech have that only experience can bring? He has that knowledge. His knowledge is something that doesn't rot away with time; it's not like perishable goods at the grocery store or those cars that fade into history. Knowledge can't spoil, you might forget a thing or two… but it's always there. You gain it with experience, you store it away for a later date, and if all goes well, it sticks with you your entire life. At least I hope so...

There's no doubt the fresh, educated, and modern technician will someday be the norm, and the age of the shop mechanic will shift directions from where it is today. But experience still prevails you know. As along time Master tech told me years ago when I was still wet behind the ears,"I've showed you everything you know, not everything I know."

The older groups of techs have seen the changes from points and condensers to full on electronics. The new mechanics will no doubt will see even more changes in the future, and most likely those changes will happen even faster with future advancements in electronics.

Even the modern car technology of today will eventually reach old age as well. The technology that's developed for them will also become part of the perishable goods as well as the cars. New technology will move forward with even better, fresher ideas than today. Just imagine what changes are in store for the next generation of mechanics.

As a mechanic… I perish the thought.

Geek With Attitude

Now I realize I'm only a mechanic, and not an Ivy League scholar, and I may not qualify as the next inductee into MENSA, but I'm still a pretty smart guy. Oh, I may not know all there is to know about every single make and model out there, but I have enough background and technical ability to solve just about anything that goes wrong with the modern car. But, for some people the mere thought that a mechanic might actually have a few brain cells just baffles them to no end.

A few weeks ago I got a call from a guy, who (to the best of my dim witted abilities could tell), was having a problem with his truck. He told me that he pulled all the fuses, and was still having a battery drain issue he couldn't find. He even took it to another shop and wasn't happy with their results, so he was going to give me a chance at it based on a friend's recommendation.

"Bring it in tomorrow, and I'll get it checked out for you," I told him.

The next day a 98 Nissan pickup with 150,000 miles on the odometer was waiting for me. After getting the owner's information, I went over what he wanted me to do. Little did I know this guy had all the answers already. Not only the answers, but several ideas as to what was causing his problem. This particular guy was a full-fledged computer geek with more than a little attitude to go along with it. Not only did he think he was dead right about everything, but that every mechanic out there was nothing more than a knuckle dragging grease monkey with the IQ of a walnut. The more he told me about the problem the more I knew I was in for a long afternoon. Seems everything that was ever wrong with the car from the day he bought it was leading up to the moment the battery went dead. But, of course, it's not dead now... that takes a month before it would happen.

"A month?" I asked.

Oh, he had an answer for that too. It all started with the front crankshaft seal. The seal was leaking, and it leaked all over the alternator, so he had the seal changed along with a new alternator and battery. (Both the alternator and the battery came from one of those cheapo depot places; imagine where the seal came from.) A month went by before the car wouldn't start again. The seal was leaking too, but not nearly as bad.

"Hmm," I said, sitting at the service counter thinking this whole thing through, "You say it takes a month before it won't start? Are you driving it much?"

"Yes," he said, "Every day."

This didn't add up, something else is wrong with the car. As I tried to explain to him that if a car is driven every day, and starts perfectly fine,but then all of a sudden it goes "click-click" it tells me there is something else wrong, and it's probably not a battery drain issue.

"Leave it with me, and I'll check it out," I told him,

Apparently, Mr. Geekdumb doesn't have a clue how a car works, other than where to put the gas and which way the key turns. Not that I'd hold that against him, a lot of people don't know a thing about their transportation. It's just that most people don't try to sound like they do, especially while standing in front of somebody that just might.

Once I had the truck in the shop it turned out to be a classic problem; the battery bolts were tightened down as far as they could go, but I could easily pull the cables off the battery without any effort at all. The charge output and parasitic draw tests showed no signs of any problems. As for the seal leak. Well, if you've been around cars with high miles and poor maintenance you've probably seen this before. The PCV valve was clogged. Without that, no ventilation for the lower end, and of course, a back pressure builds up and that pressure has to go somewhere... usually out a seal, and the front seal is one of the usual places for it to go.

Explaining all this to the computer nerd turned out to be a whole lot tougher than I thought possible. How one person can act and think that they are so smart, but can't see the logic behind the explanation is beyond me. The more I tried to explain, the more this guy asked even more bizarre questions.

I gave him the run down on the battery clamp issues, "Yes, a loose battery clamp can make the car not start. Sometimes you'll get one quick turn of the starter then nothing, not even a dome light. Other times you'll get a "click" which is what your car sounds like. This can also stop or restrict the alternator charge output from entering the battery."

"So, that's why my dash lights don't work?"he asked.

"There's no relationship between the charge output and the dash lights. That's a separate problem. Most likely the rheostat," I said.

"Well, what about the switch on my dome light, it doesn't work. I'm positive that is due to the front seal and the PVC you mentioned."

"Sir, it's a PCV not PVC, "Positive Crankcase Ventilation" is what it stands for, and no, it has nothing to do with your dome light."

"So I have two PCV's in the car?"

"No, just one."

"So where's the PVC?"

"That would be in your house most likely. Most homes have PVC plastic piping."

"So, now you're telling me I don't have two PCV's?"

"I never said you had two."

This went on, and on. My frustration level was getting to my MAX level, and I'm about to tell this guy just where he can put his PCV and his PVC. But, after lengthy deliberations he eventually decided to have me at least fix something...one thing…change the battery clamps. He had the solution for the dash lights, dome light, PCV, and the front seal. I apparently don't understand,or fail to comprehend how all his other problems are related to the dead battery.

He showed up later that day to pay for the clamp replacement, and it wasn't hard to tell this guy had an ego driven "micro"chip on his shoulder. He wasn't about to have some lowlife mechanic explain the physics of the internal combustion engine to such an astute individual as himself.

His parting comments as he walked out the door said it all.

"I work on highly technical and advanced systems on home and business computers that are far above the complexities of anything you'll ever see. I'm better off fixing my own car, because I have a degree, and my intelligence level is far superior than any mechanic."

Really? That's the best you got?

Better luck insulting me next time, fella…leaving is probably the smartest thing you've done so far… don't let the door hit ya on the way out.

Have a Great Day

I've seen mechanics, service writers, (and me) get upset over the stupidest things. Everything from each other, customers, the wrong parts showing up, stubborn bolts that won't turn,to "Who used the A/C recovery machine last and didn't bother to fill it backup?!" Things happen, and sometimes we should just let it go, and not let it raise our blood pressure to the boiling point.

Sometimes it's best to remember those days when every repair and every customer situation went off without a hitch, and to remind ourselves there is a lot more of days like this than we care to admit. But, like a lot of hardened veterans of the wrench world we tend to see nothing but the gloomy side of the repair business. It's the car problems,or a few goofy explanations about those problems, and then we have to sort the mall out with logical explanations. This usually puts us (mechanics) in a mood where we tend to believe everyone around us must either be incompetent or lacks trust in our abilities. I wouldn't doubt that police officers,paramedics, or firemen develop a certain attitude when confronting the next traffic situation, drug dealer, or burning building. It's part of the make-up of the job. Not that anyone ever started out in their profession that way; it's something we all developed after years of experiences from countless situations.

Sometimes, it's a good idea to just take a step back, no matter what's going on, and just have a great day. Put a smile on that old mug and say thank you and good morning to everyone you meet. Take the time to say, "Hi, how are ya?" to the mail person, the guy in the next bay and so on. Maybe it's the little extra time you take to say, "And, how are you?" back to the teller at the bank drive up window when they greet you with their customary introduction.

Maybe spreading some of that old fashion common courtesy would be in order too. Opening the car door for the Mrs. or rushing to the restaurant door only to hold it open for the couple behind you. Some of us do all that and more without even thinking about it. But, there are many of us who need to be reminded about it. I fall in that category of; "needs to be reminded" more often than I'd care to admit. At times I do, and other times, I wish I would have thought to be more courteous before going on my own thoughtless way.

There are days at the shop when all the money in the world doesn't add up to the joy of doing a good job and the admiration from the customer. If I had to put it in other terms, it would be like an actor on stage. They do their craft for the applause at the end of their performance. That simple act of acknowledging a job well done makes all the difference in the world to them. Similar acknowledgments do happen at the automotive service counter as well just not in the same way. At least I haven't had a customer stand there and applaud over an oil change… yet, but they do show their appreciation in other ways, and quite often.

Over the years I've witnessed some of the generosity people have for their automotive repair person firsthand. From cookies and cakes brought in by an appreciative customer, to showing up announced just to say Hi. Once in a while it's tickets to a ball game,and others it's something they know I would probably would be interested in. I've even had a customer come in and present me with a handmade ball point pen. (Really cool pen by the way) and I've had an older gentleman bring my wife's flowers on her birthday. (Thanks for the reminder... I almost forgot that year.)

Ya just never know, obviously, we do touch our customer's personal lives with our efforts. And for that we should all be grateful. It's not the kind of thing you think of when you make the decision to go into the automotive repair business. It's something that happens because you are doing a good job in business and touching so many lives. Great customers are like my extended family,and I'm glad to call them a part of it. Maybe as the shop owner, the technician, or the service writer, maybe,we should all stop what we're doing and applaud our customers. They're the real stars of our world.

So, no matter the faults or misconceptions of car care, it's a good thing to be a part of it. Because, like a lot of us in the business of fixing cars even though we may not outwardly show it, we really do care. Yes, we need your business and your support;we appreciate it even though we may forget to say so. Sometimes we all need to be reminded of not what we do, but how much what we do effects everyone around us. So if you haven't already, now is a good time to start... mechanics, technicians, and everyone else out there.... Have A Great Day.

Be Professional

The definition as Wikipedia describes it: "A professional is a person who is paid to undertake a specialized set of tasks,and to complete them for a fee." That's true, and "professions" are associated with some sort of recognition that quantifies them as a professional, such as a diploma, certificate, or degree.

In the automotive field an ASE certification, manufacturer certifications, or years of service are just some of the ways to distinguish one as a pro vs. a parts swapping wanna-be mechanic. But the mere fact of calling oneself a professional doesn't always add up to the degree or certificate that says you are one. In my opinion, handling yourself as a professional matters just as much.

I try to approach each and every job as a professional. These include detailing your results and striving to make each repair look as neat and orderly as possible. (Sloppy work usually means sloppy results.) It doesn't matter whether the job is for a customer off the street or for another repair shop… you do the best professional job possible.

I recently got a car from a small motor swap shop that I used to see once in a great while. They never sent a lot of work, but their techs would call me constantly asking for information on how to repair something. Very rude, and definitely a second rate repair shop. Grudgingly, I told them I would look at this car, even though it didn't sound like one I wanted to deal with. The car had a zillion miles on it with a turbo/intercooler engine under the hood. The car definitely had seen better days, however this was the typical type of car they were likely to get in their shop.

Under the hood I found a lot of new parts slapped on and several things out of place,most of which were not fastened down correctly with their retainers or clips. What wasn't broken or out of place was coated with oil sludge and dirt. You could tell they had no idea what was wrong or what they were doing, and were only throwing parts at it hoping it would start.

The first thing I found were several wires that were poorly spliced together, and most of the relays were dangling off their brackets. I had to fix the wires even before I could check the rest of the systems. The main complaint was the fuel pump wasn't coming on. They had already changed out the fuel pump relay, and even though (at the relay) it had all the correct signals, it refused to cooperate. What I found was something I rarely see, but it does happen… the relay was built backwards. For now, the easiest solution was to reverse the leads at the relay. Once I switched it over, the car started. It ran terrible, service light was flashing,and a misfire code was stored.

Upon further diagnosing, I found a broken wire at the no#1 coil. The front cylinders were a little easier to get to, but the no#1 cyl. was in the back,covered by all the intercooler and intake tubes. I had the O Scope hooked up to a pressure transducer, and it was showing some weird exhaust pressure readings. Sure enough, a compression test on one of the front cylinders confirmed my suspicion: the converter was clogged as well. I wasn't surprised that the sparkplugs were, at best... finger tight, and every single intake bolt, intercooler bolt, and fasteners had never been properly tightened. Instead of pulling the intake section and intercooler lines off to get to the no#1 cylinder and fix the wire, I thought it's time to call these guys and give them the news.

"We can handle it from here," they told me.

They paid for my time, and as expected it wasn't long before they needed more help. They had already fixed the wire on the coil and replaced the converter.It started, but died shortly after that. They were at a loss, so naturally I got a call. I could tell there was already some tension from their end of the phone, and I was going to be the scapegoat for this car's demise.

"I'd check the fuel pressure... sounds like that might be part of the original problem, before all this other stuff went wrong," I told him before he rudely hung the phone up.

I went over my test results again. My guess is they probably broke the wires while changing the plugs, and only made things worse by changing the relays. More than likely the fuel pump was the original problem all along, with a slightly clogged converter.

I always thought these guys were a little shifty, and it wasn't long before I found out for sure. Their tech needed to save face with the boss,so he proceeded to tell him I didn't know what I was doing, and never did anything to help the repair along. The owner turned out to be just as unprofessional as his hired hands. What was my clue? He stopped payment on the check.

You bet I was furious... but, let's cool down a bit and not stoop to their level… let's be professional about this. I kept my cool and called them, "I'm not here to lie, cheat or steal...and I've never-ever done that to you or anyone else. I'm here to do a job… a job I do with the utmost of care. Your lack of handling things in a professional manner only shows me what caliber of a person you really are. If you had a problem, call me or bring the car back. But trying to save a few bucks on your part after the efforts I put in this is uncalled for. I don't want your money. I also don't want your techs calling me to pick my brain for answers. It's not about the money now, it's about the principle."

I said my peace, and hung up the phone…case closed. Shops like these give the rest of us a bad name. They'll deny everything, charge for anything, and never do any service on a customer's car in a professional manner. I could tell they expected an argument once they realized who was on the other end of the line, but they weren't expecting the response I gave them. It's as if they hada lot of practice arguing with customers over repairs… I'm not arguing…

Actually, I felt a hundred percent better after handling it this way. I didn't see any reason to stand there toe to toe, and try to get compensated for my professional time. My professionalism means more to me than a few bucks. Let's face it, for a repair shop to insult another shop, especially when they couldn't figure it out shows their true nature.

The Wikipedia definition of a professional needs some clarification. It should have included not only doing a task or job for compensation… but acting like one after you've written the check.

Who loses out with these poor repairs done by mechanics who only know how to swap parts? …unfortunately, the customer.

Knock-Knock– Who's There?

Trying to find odd noises, squeaks, rattles, and groans on a moving vehicle can be absolutely frustrating. There are several different methods you can use to find these noises, and even more bizarre results of those noises. Some mechanics prefer the old "bounce on the bumper" and listen for the squeak method. Others opt for the sophisticated microphones that can be placed anywhere on the car, then the tech listens to a recording, or live while driving the car. But, it never hurts to have a helping hand(ear) along for the ride, while you drive and they listen.

Nowadays, most mechanics use a stethoscope made especially for the automotive field, but I'll still grab an old screwdriver first... just a habit I guess, you know, old school stuff. Holding the tip against the engine and the handle against your ear will still work just as well as some of those modern devices. Sometimes a light tap with a small hammer can help find the source, or swinging a door open and closed will give you a clue,whatever seems appropriate. It's the creativeness and ingenuity of the diagnostic mechanic to find these bothersome unwanted clicks, rattles, and squeaks that still amazes me.

One of my all-time favorite noise safari adventures was on a car that had a tap-tap, knock-knock sound which would come and go. It was from an old customer who just picked up a sweet deal on a used car. As usual, those sweet deals usually involve some wacky problem that no one has solved yet. He said he couldn't reproduce the sound because he was never sure what was causing it. Now it was my chance to try and find the source of this annoying noise. Ok, sure why not, I'm up for a challenge; it's been a while since I've had to trace out a strange noise. Besides, the shop was a bit slow, and I had the extra time to spend on it.

"The previous owner had it at several shops, and nobody has even come close to finding it," the owner told me, "and I don't want to start throwing parts at it, unless you're pretty sure it's going to fix it."

I'm not one to just slap parts on a car anyway, so at least the owner and I are on the same page. Looks like it's time for a test drive around the block. Maybe a couple of times around the shop will do the trick, and see if I can recreate this unwanted sound. I went around and around...and around… nothing, not a sound, no creaks,no groans, no tap-tap, and no knock-knock coming from the car. The owner decided to leave the car with me for a few days so I could drive it off and on, hoping after a few more test drives I might have an idea.

After numerous trips I did manage to find a way to create the tap-tap, knock-knock sound. You needed to be almost through a 90 degree turn, with a slight bump during the turn, and be slightly heavy on the throttle. It wasn't easy and the conditions had to be just right, but I was able to repeat the noise almost every time. Just to be sure, I had the owner come along with me to verify this was the exact noise he was hearing.

"That's it!" the owner of the car said enthusiastically, "What do you think it is?"

"I don't have any idea, yet. But now that I can reproduce it, I have a wayto narrow it down to the source," I told him.

Another day went by, test drive after test drive, up and down off the lift, flashlights beaming in every direction under the car, still nothing. It just didn't add up. Ok, it's about time to start getting creative. One of the guys in the shop volunteered to be a live hood ornament. (Good, cause I ain't doing it…) He would hang out the window while I juiced the gas pedal and sped around a corner. (Talk about strange diagnostic efforts, but ya gotta do… what ya gotta do.) I'm glad we didn't have any cops close by. There's no doubt this was an entirely unsafe way of finding the noise.

First, we tried hanging out the passenger window, then the rear windows, but that didn't work. He wanted to hang on to the hood and try it,but I had to draw the line on that one; that's just a bit too far on the dangerous side. So instead he sat on the driver's window sill with his feet in my lap, while holding onto the top of the door and leaning forward towards the front bumper. I set the car in motion, hanging onto his belt... "Here we go....!" I yelled out.

As we rounded the corner I gave it the gas. With the engine rev'd up, and him hanging on for dear life, the knock-knock-tap-tap was unmistakable. He shouted, "I got it! It's right here, it's on this side and behind the tire!"

We drove back to the shop (with him back in the car of course), excited that we narrowed it down to one location. After a bit more head scratching we both decided it had to be coming from the inside of the fender area. Now it's time to see (who's) what's there. When we took the inner fender down there was a lot more in there than we expected to find. Bolted to the fender support bracket and hanging from a nylon string was a large nut, along with a message written on the inside of the fender. The message read, "Ha, Ha, how long did it take you to find me?" Yea, we found the noise alright. Looks like some wise cracking bodyman is having a little fun with us. Hmm, let me think about this… several drive tests later, one guy with his butt hanging out the window, while I have a hold of his belt, and gunning the engine on a hair pin curve… Oh yea… real F?#@?FUNNY!

I've heard rumors that somebody tried this on a car while it was on the assembly line, but I kind of doubt that actually happened. There are too many inspectors and too many people around who would probably notice it. But, I could see it happening at a body shop. I guess it was my turn to be the recipient of this old practical joke.

These days when it comes to finding squeaks, clicks, knocks, and other strange noises you can bet I'll look behind the inner fenders. Ya got me once… but not twice. You can call me paranoid, you can call me cautious, call it what you want... I call it practical experience, and that ain't no joke.

I'll Bet Ya!

A passenger bus arrived at the shop one afternoon that was used for transporting people back and forth from hospitals, assisted living homes and weekend outings for the elderly. It was seldom idle, and the owner wasn't your typical owner/driver, he was a very quick to judge, no B.S., overly self-confident, brash and even more hard headed than me kind of guy. The van had a terrible smell emanating from cabin, which the owner had made it a point to tell everyone that looked at it that it was a fuel related problem. Nothing was ever found wrong with the fuel system; however his insistent nature that something was wrong with the fuel system was really rubbing everyone involved the wrong way.

I could see why after meeting this guy for the first time. He wasn't one to take no for answer or listen to any criticism, without a doubt he was the most overbearing, and demanding person I have ever met. Now I'm stuck with this putrid smelling van and this overzealous owner at my shop. (Sometimes I think when other shops give up on things or the customer is too demanding... they mention my name... gee...thanks.)

The odor wasn't sulfur or raw fuel in my opinion. It smelled more like an old high school gym locker to me. All the previous attempts at other shops never found anything wrong with fuel lines, tank, or any venting problems with the fuel emission systems. It seemed either everyone was overlooking something or I was as baffled as they were. Then again, it might have been the owner's attitude that was making the decisions and not the results of any diagnostic work.

My first walk through of the van was enough to make you gag. The smell was horrendous it seemed to be coming from everywhere. Outside the van there was only a trace of the odor, but inside... oh man... it was unbearable. The owner was still convinced that it was fuel related, so much so that he wanted the entire fuel system ripped out and replaced. I wasn't convinced, I was on a mission to find the source before going to the extent of removing "all" the fuel system in this big van.

After a few basic checks and a bit of snooping around my conclusion was that the smell was coming from the carpet itself and from the large air conditioning unit mounted in the back of the bus. My suggestion was to have the carpet thoroughly cleaned and disinfected as well as the vents for the air conditioning system.

To my surprise I got a stern reprimand from the owner, "You'll do what I tell you to do and not tell me what you think it is!"

Seriously? You don't want to take a simple approach to the problem but would rather jump right into a huge repair job? I'm not in any way convinced replacing the entire fuel system will solve the problem.

"You want me to drop the fuel tank, filter, pump, lines, and injectors and replace all of it?" I asked.

"Yes, that's what I want... no...,that's what I insist you do!" he said sternly.

I did my best to talk him out of it, but he was stuck on this idea that this would fix his problem. But, maybe there's another way of talking him out of this, maybe if I add up all the parts and labor to do what he's suggesting maybe it will convince him to try something else.

To my surprise, it didn't. He's still convinced. I'm going to try another approach to this stinking mess then. There's one thing that I've found out over the many years of dealing with people and their vehicles, if the amount of the repair hasn't scared them off, somebody has already given them an even higher price. So you're either stuck doing what you estimated it as, or find a way to solve the problem without them knowing what you're actually going to do. This time, I'm taking the chance that I'm right and he's wrong and have the van cleaned first.

"Ok, leave it with me; it might take a few days. I'll find the source of the problem. As long as you're willing to put that kind of expense out I'll remove the odor one way or another," I told him.

He agreed and with that he left the van. Before he even drove off I picked up the phone and called a good friend of mine that owns a carpet cleaning business. I might save this hard headed owner a lot of cash, grief and down time if I'm right. Maybe even win over a new customer to boot.

"Hey, bud can you bring your big machine over here and do a little job for me?" I said to my carpet cleaning friend.

"Sure tomorrow morning," he told me.

The next day his crew arrived and gave the entire interior a super cleaning, windows, trim, seats, carpet, vents, the works.

"I'd leave the windows open for a day to let it dry out. But, I think you were right about the smell coming from the carpets. After years of cleaning stuff like this you know when you're lifting the smell out. This was no exception," my buddy told me as he packed his things up for the next job.

The interior sparkled like new, smelled fresh as spring meadow; even the air conditioning didn't have that horrible odor in it. I'm convinced... problem solved. Now to break the news to the customer.

He was quite skeptical, so it took a bit of unorthodox convincing. "I'll tell you what I'll do," I proceeded to tell him, "I'll bet you if you drive it around for a month or so, run a few tanks of gas through it, and make a couple of long trips the smell will stay gone. After a month you bring it back here and the two of us are going to inspect it. If the smell is still there... I'll give you back your money and do what you originally suggested. If the smell is gone... you owe me an extra hundred bucks."

He took the bet, and a month later...He made good on the wager. I thought I'd never see the day this guy would smile, but having that odor out of his van put a grin on his face from ear to ear. He proudly walked up to me with that big grin, swung his hand down for a firm handshake and handed me that crisp new hundred dollar. Seems I've made a new friend for life.

Several years have passed since then and he still brings a lot of work to the shop and never misses a chance to refer me to everyone he meets. Oh, he's still stubborn, head strong and quite brash... but a good guy none the less. His story of the stinky van and how an even harder headed mechanic stood up to him is still one of his favorites. As he likes to tell me,"Sometimes, the customer isn't right after all."

Experts Among Us

Recently I had a problem with my home laptop where everything worked correctly, except for internet access. The only way to get on was to continuously disconnect and reconnect, especially if I was switching pages. Very frustrating, to say the least. On the evening before it had gone bonkers, I finished an article that I was going to upload Saturday morning. What normally takes me a few minutes took me hours. Talk about a long morning.

Eventually I did get it uploaded, and then spent the rest of my morning trying to solve the problem myself. First check for a virus, reboot the system, rerun the virus protection... over and over again. Then, as most parents with teenagers will do... I called the kid over. Mitch (my son) worked on it for a bit and got it to working temporarily,but he did tell me, "Dad, it's going to come back. It's "self-generating", and I'm not sure it's a virus. You're going to have problems until you can find out what it is."

He was right about that. The very next morning when I turned it on it was back to its old tricks. There wasn't much else to do except send it to the computer shop for repair. If it was a car I could probably tell you what to do with it, but not this. It's beyond me. In the mean time I went on with the rest of the weekend and left the computer alone. We had plans to see a few friends for lunch that afternoon, and as casual conversations go I was soon explaining my frustrations with my computer. Everybody had a solution to the problem, and I'll have to admit some of their solutions sounded pretty convincing, but after being in the repair business as long as I have, I knew better. At least the best advice given was where to take it. I knew seeking professional help would be better than all of this arm chair diagnosing.

I hear the same kind of thing when I'm behind my counter. Someone will come in with a problem and sure enough they have already talked to a friend or relative who has the ultimate answer to their problem. And, of course, I'm supposed to use that information and make the needed repairs. Because… well… you know why…their friend is an "expert". I'll admit once in a while they've got it right, but more times than not it's"control-alt-delete", and start all over with the original symptom. Too many times the symptoms and the arm chair expert aren't on the same page. I'm sure when I take the laptop in it will be the same story there as well. So I'm going to approach this laptop debacle with as much care as I can, and see if informing the person behind the counter the symptoms I've found, and answer his questions as best as I can, and not add my own two cents worth of arm chair diagnosing.

"Hi, can I help you?" the guy behind the counter said.

"You sure can. I'm having a problem getting on the internet with my laptop. Could you check it out for me?"

He informed me of the initial examination fee and what he was going to do. He said he would call as soon as he knew something. Now with what limited knowledge I have, and from what my son could figure out, along with all the input from friends and other arm chair techs it appeared to be a cut and dry "remove a virus" and all would be well. Now that the expert has it we'll find out soon enough.

The next day I got the call from the computer repair shop. "Well, there's nothing wrong with your laptop, sir. It doesn't have any viruses, and it looks like someone has recently cleaned up the hard drive," the repair guy tells me.

"Really, hmm, so what's the reason I couldn't get on. My son did a bunch of clean up stuff before we brought it down to you, but even then it wouldn't get on line," I said.

"Chances are it's your server or your router acting up. I'd take it back home and hook it up directly to your server and bypass the wireless router. Then see what it does."

I paid the man for his time, even though I was somewhat skeptical of his results. Probably no more than some customers are when they leave my shop after I tell them what's wrong with their car. But, I'll take the experts' advice and do as I was told. When I got home both the wife and my son had their laptops out and were pluggin' away on the internet. I might as well try mine before proceeding with the repairman's instructions. Sure enough it still had problems getting on the internet.

"Mitch, let's try what the guy said to do," I told my son.

We disconnected the wireless (after mom got to a stopping point with what she was working on) and hooked his laptop up direct, and as expected it worked just fine. Then it was my turn, sure enough it worked perfectly. Turns out the guy was right. It was some sort of glitch in the wireless router. I did call down to the repair shop to tell him the results. He wasn't surprised;he knew… he's the expert.

He went on to tell me, "Since all the other laptops are working, and it's just yours my guess is the configuration between the two is not compatible. Put your son on the phone, and I'll walk him through how to check the configuration on both laptops and router." (A true expert knows who to talk to.)

All said and done with, a new wireless router solved the problem. So what did I learn from all of this? That expert advice is far more reliable than arm chair diagnosing. You may think you know what's wrong, but an expert in the field will most certainly have a better idea of what to do than yourself. Telling the technician what the symptoms were without adding, "I think it's this" or "My friend who works on computers told me it's this" really added to a quicker solution in my opinion.

I wish this happened more often at my service counter. (But I won't get my hopes up.) Everyone has somebody who's experienced a similar car problem, and will usually add their own "expertise" to the conversation. Occasionally while I'm at a restaurant, a ball game, church, or a school event I'll catch a conversation about a car problem from the next table or from a group sitting close by. Sure enough someone will have an opinion of what's wrong. That's all fine and dandy... but let's keep that for friendly conversation and not part of the explanation to the expert. Granted,there's some so called "experts" in every field that aren't experts. It's bound to happen that you'll run into one.

To find a reputable shop, ask your friends, your relatives, etc... Their opinions do matter, just not when it comes to being an expert, unless they are one themselves.

Pilsner Payment

When I first started out I had a small 2 bay shop in a strip center with a large parking lot in the middle of it. All the buildings and garage entrances faced the parking lot. My space was small, not a whole lot of room for car doors to open in the service bay, but I managed to make it work. Across the parking lot was a larger shop area that bought and sold vintage cars. The owner used the service bay area as his showroom so during regular business hours the doors would be up and the inside of the shop sparkled as much as the cars.

He had a young guy working for him who would do minor repairs, buff the cars, change a carburetor, you know… stuff like that. He definitely didn't have any formal training in automotive repair, but was handy enough to keep the repair costs down for the owner, and he wasn't afraid of tackling any kind of repair.The big issue was that any repair work had to be done after they closed for the day or at least on a day he wasn't expecting any customers. That way none of the mess from spilled fluids, air hoses, etc…, was around while trying to show the cars.

On one occasion they had an old Ford pickup truck that needed a new automatic transmission. From my vantage point across the parking lot I could watch the proceedings as if it was a live stage show. This was one of those days and jobs that the owner wanted done as quick as possible so he had his helper start on it even though it was during regular hours. Being the meticulous shop keep that he was he had several pieces of cardboard to protect the floor, a mop bucket handy, several rags, and a whole lot of attention into keeping any grease or grime away from all the other cars.

The helper started off well, he put the car up on stands and began to remove the transmission. I'm pretty sure he didn't have a manual or any background in removing one before, but like I said, he'd try any kind of repair. As the day progressed I would occasionally glance out my bay door to see how things were going over there.

It was closing time for me, and when I looked over there I notice he finally had the new transmission in. I heard the engine start up, then rev. up, then stop, and then restart. He would look under the hood, pull the dipstick out of the transmission, shake his head, throw his arms in the air and try it again,but the truck never moved an inch.

By now my curiosity was more than slightly aroused. I wasn't in a hurry to get home that night because I had a buddy of mine coming over to the shop that evening. So instead I thought I'd leave my garage door up, find my mechanics stool, sit myself down with an after work refreshment and watch the show. Just about then my bud showed up. He grabbed another roll-around stool, made his way to the shop fridge and then joined me for the evening's entertainment.

The sun had gone down more than an hour earlier and the light from the drop lights gave off an eerie glow from under the car. As he would crawl around the light would shine in different directions making for a really cool light show. If we kept quiet you could hear everything they said from the other side of the parking lot. I'll have to admit… as a technician it was quite comical to watch and listen to how a novice came up with their own solutions to the problem.

The owner kept himself busy off to the side wiping down the other cars. He wasn't the kind of guy that ever got upset about anything, he patiently waited while making the best use of his time doing odd chores, adjusting the sales placards on the windshields, and cleaning up around his helper.

My buddy on the other hand kept asking me what I thought was wrong.

"Oh, I know what it is," I told him in a whisper, "Just hold on and watch a little longer. Give the guy a chance to figure it out."

Another hour or so went by; the brews were all but gone. My anxious buddy still wanted to know what I thought was wrong. So I clued him in on how this whole debacle started. I began the tale with; He drove the truck in, jacked it up, and pulled the transmission.

"Yea, yea… OK, but what's the problem?" he asked.

I went on, "Then he put the new transmission in."

"You're not telling me anything I don't already know!" my brewskie buddy sternly informed me.

"Alright, I'll tell you what's wrong with it. Now quit bugging me… and watch the show," I said rather… ahem…a little too loud.

That's when the helper perked up and headed in my direction. You could tell he had about all he could take trying to figure out what was wrong with the truck.

As he got close to us he said, "You got some idea what's wrong?"

"Yea, I do."

"So, help a guy out. What's wrong with it?"

"Here's what I think ya did. When you stabbed the transmission you didn't push the converter back into the transmission all the way or you didn't have the pump splines lined up. Because I think you broke the front pump in the new transmission."

By now the owner had walked across and heard the whole conversation. "Can you fix it?" he asked me.

"Sure, we'll push it over in the morning."

The next morning I replaced the pump and drove the truck back over to his shop. After that, the owner made it a habit to walk over with a cold one and asked me questions about car problems before he let his helper tackle it. After a while the shop fridge was getting pretty full of those after hours brews.

Eventually I moved to a bigger shop. The car lot owner didn't make it by as often, but when he did his method of payment never changed. My buddy on the other hand, got to be a regular at my shop, especially if I told him the guy across the street stopped by for more repair information. I guess he liked the entertainment too. What a minute… come to think of it… it may not have been the entertainment at all… he might have just shown up for those free beers. What a pal….

I Must Be An Antique

One weekend my wife and I decided to take a detour on our way home and stop by some of the local antique stores. She was looking for a piece to put in her quilting studio, and since I was driving, I grudgingly tagged along. Window shopping isn't one of my strong points. I'm more of the "Get what you came for, and go home" type. Although a little quality time with the Mrs.is something I didn't want to pass up. There wasn't a whole lot that interested me, other than the architecture, but on we went from store to store.

We came across a store front that had the charm of days gone by. Inside was a long counter that was as antique as the store, full of all kinds of items. The ceiling was original with an ornate tin embossed design that stretched to the back of the store. The entire store was as much an antique as the wares for sale. By now my curiosity was in full swing to see the rest of the building. It originally was the town's hardware store from around the turn of the last century, and the décor hadn't changed from its early beginnings.

We made our way around the displays and meandered to the back of the store. Here the store divided into an upper and lower level. She asked me, "Do you want to go downstairs and check it out?" Sure,might as well take the grand tour. The rickety stairs creaked and moaned with every step, and as we reached the bottom floor a large room opened up with what can be best described as a tool guy's paradise. Hanging from the rafters and on every shelf were tools of every description. Wood, concrete, railroad, gardening, big, small, tools and more tools, and yes… row after row of mechanic's tools. I must be in heaven. I've never seen such a variety of tools in one place before. Shelf after shelf of every type of tool you could think of. Some looked as worn and tattered as the old building, while others looked practically new.

In one corner of the basement were several timing lights of different types and sizes. On a hook was a well-used dwell meter hanging by its cords, as well as multi-meters and amp gauges. As I walked around staring at all of the history on these shelves I couldn't help but smile. I could recall working under the hood of a car with these very same tools, and here they are resting in the basement of an antique store. It was like I stepped back in time, and was reliving all the work I've done with them. I couldn't help but feel nostalgic about my chosen profession.

By now my wife had drifted off to another part of the store. I'm sure she knew where to find me. It wasn't likely that I was going to wander too far from here, at least not until I had my fill of looking at all this stuff.

"I'll come find you when I'm ready," she said as she headed back up those creaking stairs. I waved my hand in her direction as if to say, "I know, I know… go on…I'll catch up."

Over on one shelf was a small leather covered box. I opened it, and inside was a dial indicator …almost complete. It was lacking the extension rods. Not a problem, I just happened to have a set in my toolbox. The price on the sticker was… ten dollars! I've got to get this. On the very next shelf there was a well-worn piston ring groove cleaner. No price tag on it and it still had a layer of grime covering the cutting bit. Not that I'm going to be needing a ring groove cleaner any time soon, but it was one of those things that looked out of place on the shelf. It had to come home with me.

After what seemed like minutes, but I'm sure my wife would tell you it was more like hours,I thought I better go find her and take my new found goodies up to that old counter. On the way out I saw a large pile of snap ring pliers. One had the smallest tips on it that I've ever seen. Now, that's something I can use. The tag read… two dollars! Two bucks? Ok, it's coming with me, too.

I found the wife in another part of the store still searching for her one item, which she still hasn't found. She seemed a bit curious as to what was taking me so long. With a great deal of enthusiasm I proceeded to tell her all about them. Obviously my exuberant tale of my great finds didn't interest her that much. In a stern voice she said, "Can we go now?"

"Ok, let me go pay for these," I said with a gleam in my eye.

I put my best bargain hunter's face on, and laid my items down on the counter. "I found this dial indicator for ten bucks;it's missing a few pieces and this snap ring pliers for two, but this other thing you didn't have a price on it. It's kind of grungy, needs cleaned up, how about I give you ten bucks for all three?" I said with a smile.

The clerk looked at the items I had laid out, and then picked up the groove cleaner. She held it up to her elderly father sitting just off to the side, "What's this worth, Dad?"

He got up from reading the paper, leaned forward, and peered over his glasses, "Ain't worth a thing."

"Well this guy wants to give you ten bucks for all three of these things. I don't even know what this is, Dad?"

In my haste to make a deal I blurted out, "If you can tell me what this is, I'll gladly give you the ten bucks for all three."

The old man leans over the counter, squints a bit and says,"That's a piston ring groove cleaner, probably from the fifties. I've used one many a time," then sat backdown, "Sure I'll take ten bucks for all three."

With that I handed the cash to the little lady.

As I finished the transaction I walked over to shake the old man's hand, "Sir, there's not too many people who would have known what this is. You've made my day."

As we drove home, my wife curiously asked what was so exciting about looking at all those tools, especially since I handle tools all day long. With a great amount of ambiguity I said, "Well,they're tools, dear… you know… tools."

She may not understand my thing for tools, but from now on I'll keep my eyes open for another place like this and maybe pick up a few more treasures. It was about then, while driving home, I finally realized where I'd been… an antique store of all places… these tools are antiques! That's when I realized my own plight, its official… I must be an antique as well.

Ode to Santa and the Economy

There goes Santa, running for his sleigh;

He's gotta run fast, to get away.

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You see, the economy has struck the North Pole as well;

The elves are on strike, and his wife is givin' em' hell.

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These days when Santa appears at the local department store;

It's not just for fun or photos, but for gifts he needs to score.

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He'll check the store layout and make a quick dash;

Why even Santa max'd out his credit card and is low on cash.

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So off he goes, into the night;

To find those gifts, and get out of sight.

Now, he's not going to make a whole lot of stops;

'Cause look out Santa… here comes the cops.

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Santa leaps to his sleigh and flys far into the night;

Carrying all those gifts, on his yearly flight.

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Way into the morning, the police search high and low;

Only to find a few tracks left in the snow.

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You'll hear all the alarms blaring, late into the night;

But old Saint Nick will be long gone, and clean out of sight.

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Santa has to be quick, to have it done by Christmas Eve;

So many gifts, and so many places to be…

The presents will be wrapped, and the tags will be off; Cause old Santa is very careful, not to get caught.

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So check your presents, early on Christmas day; (Keep it hush-hush if they're from Santa, OK...?)

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Now, I don't know if Old Saint Nick, stopped at your house or not; But If he did … … … … …

.....THOSE GIFTS ARE . . . HOT ! !

PEACE ON EARTH, GOOD WILL TO ALL

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! ! !

Welcome To My World

In my world I run across a lot of people and their cars. For the most part, I really love the people and my job. But, occasionally I have one of those days that just doesn't seem like it's going to be a good one at all. Some days just don't start out that great. You know those mornings when you get up,and the first thing you do is wander through a dark house and jam your big toe into the ottoman, while trying to dodge the cat sleeping on the floor. Maybe it started out terrible with that aggressive driver who just had to pass you with only inches between the door handles, only to swerve directly in front of you… just to gain one extra car length, and by now you've spilled most of your coffee. Grrr… Definitely, not a good start for the day.

But be that as it may, I pull up in front of the shop, park the truck and start my day. I'm always hopeful the trend of my early encounters doesn't carry all the way to closing time. Ya just never know. But, the signs... those telltale signs... it doesn't look promising. Anyway, you square your shoulders, take a deep breath, ….and away we go.

Every day at the shop is another lesson in life you just have to experience, regardless how your day starts. You can learn a lot about people from standing behind the service counter. It might leave you shaking your head one day, and the next you're looking for something stronger than those aspirins you have in the middle drawer of your desk. Some mornings have started out badly, and only got worse as the day progressed. These sort of starts to my day make the rest of my working hours a challenge to keep my sanity. I thought I would tell you about a few of them.

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Unlock the front door, sit my stuff down, and the day has begun –

Ring, ring, ring, ring….

Caller: "Is my car ready yet?"

Me: "Which car is it?"

Caller: "The one I dropped off."

Me: "Well, I just got here myself. I haven't even looked at a single car yet."

Caller: "I know you had plenty of time already. I dropped it off after you closed last night."

Me: "Sir, just like you, I went home to my family after work. I don't stay here all night, nor do I come back after regular business hours to work on cars."

Caller: "So you're saying that dropping it off last night didn't give you enough time to get it done?"

Me: "That's correct. I haven't even brought it into the service bay yet."

Caller: "Well, alright then. I'll bring the keys to you about lunch time."

No keys, in a hurry, and I haven't even turned the lights on yet. It just keeps getting better... or worse, nice start for the day.

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Take this guy who showed up early one day.

Customer: "I need my brakes checked. Can you do that today?"

Me: "Sure. I'll fill out a repair order, where did ya parked at?"

Customer: "Oh, I walked here."

Me: "Ah, that's going to be a little difficult to check your brakes if you don't have the car with you."

Customer: "How's that? All I need you to do is tell me if I need brakes or not."

Me: "When you bring me the car I can check them for you."

Customer: "You're not much of a mechanic if you don't know whether I need brakes, or not."

Me: "I physically need see the car, so I can tell the condition of the brakes."

Customer: "Just never mind then. Do you know another shop that could tell me if I need brakes or not?"

I think I'll stop right here. I'm no expert on things like this, but I believe there's a lot more wrong with this character than his brakes.

But,life goes on. Can it get any crazier? Yes, yes it can. This next situation has happened more than a few times. Seems like a routine occurrence anymore. Routine for me, but the customer doesn't see it that way.

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Another early phone call:

Customer: "I'm having my car towed in. It doesn't start."

Me: "I'll get a look at it as soon as it arrives."

A few hours later the car shows up. The tow driver disconnects it and hands me the keys. It starts right up. Looking under the hood, and doing a few basic tests showed no reasons why it wouldn't start.

I called the customer.

Me: "The car started right off of the tow truck, sir."

Customer: "I'll be up later to pick it up."

Me: "No problem, I'll let it run for a while, and take it around the block a few times to make sure. In the meantime the only charges you have so far is the tow."

Customer: "It started, so I don't need to pay for the tow."

Me: "You still have to pay for the tow, sir."

Customer: "I'm not paying for it."

Me: "I guess I'll just keep the car then."

The customer makes their way to the shop, angrily pays for the tow, and drives off never to be seen or heard from again. I guess the best part was the car actually started, so I didn't have another confrontation in the parking lot. Yep, it just keeps getting better.

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Then there's this one... right at opening time … Monday morning...

Caller: "I want to complain about my car I had at your shop late Friday night!"

Me: "And how's that?"

Caller: "You couldn't get the part for my car!"

Me: "Yes, that's right, the part was only available through the dealer, and they were already closed."

Caller: "I had to take my car to the dealership and they promptly had it fixed!" (It's only Monday morning, how did they get to it so fast?)

Me: "Ma'am, that's where we had to go to get the part. It was late Friday night and the dealership was already closed. I'm sorry we weren't able to help you. Sounds like your problem is solved, so what is it you would like for me to do, ma'am?"

Caller: "I don't want your stupid apology! I can't believe you are refusing to help me!"

Me: "I'm not refusing, Ma'am.I just don't know what it is you want."

Caller: "Don't give me that! You're no help at all!" *hangs up*

Well, here I go again. It's only Monday morning...I'm going to need a lot more coffee. OK who's next? Bring it on! I'm ready for ya!

Working at a repair shop has its good days, and bad. If you don't think your day is hectic enough, or down right crazy at times, just head down to the shop and sit behind the counter for a spell. You'll see, after a few of these wacky mornings you'll know exactly what I mean.

Then, I can officially say to you ... Welcome to my world.